leaving Christmas - Al-Anon Family Group

omajoy · Senior Member

leaving Christmas

round3 · Senior Member

Omajoy - sounds like you're turning a little corner today. I feel it in your post. I know how hard these past days have been for you. I think the idea of attending a f2f meeting is wonderful. About attending where you have attended church before? Well.....there's certainly NOTHING wrong with that - but the main thing is that YOU feel comfortable. I work for my church - where we also hold meetings. I'm not sure that is the best meeting for me. Maybe it is......but I know I need to feel really comforatable and able to share without looking over my shoulder. Remember these meetings are confidential, and if someone sees you there......they're obviously there themselves! No shame in that! All that being said, just continue doing the next best thing to take care of you. I know those dark emotions you've been dealing with. I've dealt with them myself. But know you're not alone in fighting this battle. Be grateful that today your son seems to be okay, and that you will have your grandchild for a couple of days, and that you seem to have the strength and will to find a meeting and take care of yourself. What gifts these are!

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello omajoy,

I attend a meeting in the church I attend. I myself do not have a problem with anyone knowing that I attend al-anon, but also understand and respect those that value their anonymity.

In truth most of the people who come to my meeting do not even attend the church I do. They come there for the meetings. I do not know if that will be the case with the meetings at your church, however, I do not think that even if they are people you know from church that they will violate your wish for anonymity. It is the cornerstone of the program.

I recently had one of my old junior high school teachers start attending the meeting I attend. We recognized each other....and spoke after the meeting. But it changed nothing about our behavior in the meeting. Everyone is there for the same reason. To deal with the problems within themselves that have been caused by their reactions to people in their lives with whom we have problems dealing with due to alcoholism, drug use...or whatever!

I am glad to hear you are willing to give the ftf meetings another chance. I pray you make a connection this time with something that can help you in dealing with the issues you have.

And welcome back to MIP, glad you decided to give us another try as well! smile

Yours Still in Recovery,
David

-- Edited by david62 at 16:05, 2007-12-26

Heartbroken · Senior Member

Omajoy
Still praying that you will find enough strength and confidence in you to reach out for that help, wherever it comes from and wherever you have to physically go to find it. However, when you find it hold on tight.

I do not think that anyone could tell you it will be easy or changed overnight, but I think of it this way, a journey begins with the first step one takes.

I too am encouraged by your last post, keep breathing deeply and slowly and be kind to you.

Enjoy your grandchild and take comfort that the baby is with you for you to love and hug and comfort but reach out for that comfort and help for yourself too.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

I live in a small enough town that it is very common to see someone you know from outside the program at meetings - hard to avoid, in fact. I have never had a problem - as has been said, they are there, too! They are problaby just as surprised at seeing you, and, like you, they'll get over it.

One thing about meetings - when I first started going to me f2f, I thought "Oh these people don't have anything in common with me - this one's A was her father, this one is divorced from her A, this other's A is her son...." but, if the program is working properly, the details of why they are there should not be important. The focus is YOU, not your alcoholic.

Another thing - you are allowed to say what you think. If the others at the meeting dumping on their A's and blaming the A's mother is painful to you, then for Heaven's sake say so! You have just as much right to be there as they do, and just as much need for the program, and insight to give. You need to hear their stories, and they need to hear yours.

We contror out own happines - other people do not control it for us. Learning that was the most important thing this program has given me. I allowed the actions of someone else to determine whether or not I was happy for most of my life - yes, they acted badly, but *I* chose to let it control me.

greta · Senior Member

hi omajoy,

I have been away from my computer a few days. I just read through your last few posts. They speak to my heart. I have an addicted daughter and son and their father and I divorced after 20 years due to his drug use. The changes you are going through remind me so much of where my family was at. Though progress has never been as fast as I would have liked, things are getting better.

When I was first told to detach, I thought it would be easier to cut off my arm, these were my children. The center of my universe. I couldn't see detachment as possible. The only way for me to detach at that time was to cut off all contact. I don't know if that was really considered detachment with love or not, but looking back, it was a small baby step. It took quite a few months (years) but now I see, my childrens messes that they make for themselves are their learning experiences...I have had mine...now I must let them have theirs. I can talk to them so much better now. I can still see some areas of improvement they could work on, but now...I try to keep my eyes on my areas I would like to improve on. The thought that seems to save me is...They have their own higher power and that higher power loves them very much...I am not that higher power...At least I know someone is watching over them lovelingly.

It took me a while to get into face to face meetings too ..and since i live in a small town..I did not want to go to meetings here. The kids went to school here and all that. I didn't really want the neighbors to know. I went to meetings 20 miles from here for quite some time. I am just happy i went. Now I go sometimes to ones in town here but mostly to the one I first started at, it is where I feel comfortable. After I started going I went here there and everywhere. Now I go to the ones I like best. They just didn't all fit for me.

(((omajoy))) I am glad you came back here too. I feel so connected with your share as I quit and started many times. Sometimes mad as heck. I don't think we are the only ones. Might be why the slogan "keep coming back" is said so often.

You and your family are in my prayers. Take care of you!

Carol

omajoy · Senior Member

Thanks, everyone, for the insight about WHERE to attend. I wish I didn't feel such shame about having alcoholism to deal with. But there it is....I am ASHAMED. I feel that many people view alcoholism as a character flaw and do not accept it as a disease. I go from pillar to post on that one. I know my EX DIL absolutely does not view it as a disease. To her it was a weakness in my son, a liability to her. I think she is in total denial that this grandbaby, her child, could carry the markers for the same problem. That absolutely kills me. Anyway, it is dark now where I live....my hardest time of day. I prepare dinner for us and can barely open my mouth on the food for the lump in my throat. The tears sit behind the lids and often fall. I don't know what it is about the dinner hour, but I can not deal with it since all this family mess began for us two years ago. Does anyone else have a particular time of day which is harder for them? Just wondering. The dinner hour/dark thing just upsets my husband a lot. He knows how unhappy I am. I know he can't make me happy but I do wish he could acknowledge that I, for now, cannot control my emotions very well. Makes him nuts!! Make no mistake...he supports me and tells me of his love all the time. I am very lucky in that respect. But I know he wants me back to what he used to have before cancer and family dysfunction took me over. So much to think about!!

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Your name is so sweet to me. My Oma lived in Holland. Are you Dutch, by chance?

I just want to step in and encourage you to attend face-to-face meetings. My spouse and brother are my as, but what I have learned about all of us in al-anon, is that although our stories are different, our pain is the same. I know what you mean about the shame that goes along with the disease. I have it too, but am starting to let that go because for me, the relief and freedom that come with sharing the pain, is greater than the burden of keeping it to myself. It has become worth the risk for me.

I still sometimes feel weird at meetings and think my life must be more of a mess than the others, and then someone will share and I am gently reminded that the folks are not sitting in the room for entertainment value or because they have nothing better to do on a Friday night. They are there because they too have been negatively affected by aism in someone they love dearly, and they need and want the healing and fellowship that al-anon provides. It can feel sooooo good! You don't have to be alone anymore.

Just so you know, you can go to meetings and not share a thing about your life. Many people go a long time and just listen, and that is okay. The magic can still happen.

I am glad you are back. I noticed you were missing.

You have been through so much, Omajoy. I pray that you can find comfort on this board and in ftf meetings. You deserve much more than you are getting from life right now.

Blessings,
Lou

-- Edited by Loupiness at 19:48, 2007-12-26

cookie1971 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Omajoy)))))

Congratulations on choosing to attend a Face to face meeting!!

My first Al-Anon meeting was at the church where I attended all my life. I found that everyone was there for the same reason I was. Because their lives had been affected by an alcoholic.

For me it was my father, my husband, my sister my nephew and my stepfather. But it really didn't matter who it was. What mattered was that I was seeking help FOR ME.

Al-Anon has given me my life back. I am happier now than I have been in years, because I never fully undersood why I was so unhappy in the fist place.

Welcome back to MIP its good to see you here again.

Love and Blessings,

Claudia

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

what wonderful responses! Really nourishing for me to read. There came a point where I was in so much pain, I didn't care anymore about the shame. I did not care if anyone recognized me or my car, etc. I was at rock bottom. There comes a point where these things just pale in comparison to the pain you are in. I had tried everything. I just wanted relief. And I got it. It started pretty quickly, too- I honestly felt relief in around 3 months. I attended as many meetings as I could- 3-4 per week or more. I did not say a word for around 6 months but I started to feel better in 3. Only a tiny bit better but after what I had been feeling, it was like a massive watershed for me.

I am a very stubborn person and an intellectual. I detest groups, organized religion, etc. But there comes a point where all that becomes completely irrelevant. For me it had an actual physical feeling- like huge chunks of myself were literally falling off of me. I felt lighter on so many levels. This is pretty warm and fuzzy for someone like me, believe me.

Step one: admitted we were powerless...that is all- just admit that I am at rock bottom. I am powerless. i do not need to do a thing about it. All I have to do is admit it!! And boy was I ready to- (and most days I am also ready to, over and over again) when you are ready to, oma, you will, too. It will be a no-brainer. Now may not be the time, we all take our own paths and have our own timing. hugs and best of luck to you, J.

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

I wish I didn't feel such shame about having alcoholism to deal with. But there it is....I am ASHAMED. I feel that many people view alcoholism as a character flaw and do not accept it as a disease.

Omajoy: The truth of the matter is this IS a disease.

Here is a dictionary definition: A disease is an abnormal condition of an organism that impairs bodily functions. In human beings, "disease" is often used more broadly to refer to any condition that causes discomfort, dysfunction, distress, social problems, and/or death to the person afflicted, or similar problems for those in contact with the person. In this broader sense, it sometimes includes injuries, disabilities, disorders, syndromes, infections, isolated symptoms, deviant behaviors, and atypical variations of structure and function, while in other contexts and for other purposes these may be considered distinguishable categories.

What is important to realize..you DID not cause it. You can not CURE it, nor can you CONTROL it. What another person thinks is merely that, their thoughts. That doesn't make them right or wrong, they are just not where you are in understanding.

I think she is in total denial that this grandbaby, her child, could carry the markers for the same problem. That absolutely kills me.

Projecting is when we worry about our tomorrows, that's also known as borrowing worries. Rather than project what may be, could be, should be or would be...keep your focus where it belongs...on YOU and YOUR healing. If the grandchild does not have the disease, then you've worried for nothing. If the grandchild does have the disease then you've worried twice again over something you can not control. Did not cause, can not cure.

What is correct is the portion where you mentioned, this absolutely kills me.  Although I realize you used that phrase to express the depth of your pain, know this...it can do just that! It can kill you by eating away at your heart and mind and soul and cause illness and so much more. UNLESS you give it over to a HP who only wants the best for you, cares for you, gives you hope and trust and understanding to cope with the 'todays' of your life.

Shame is very common, misunderstanding a given when we first hit these rooms. Know this my friend, no one judges you as you judge yourself. Be gentle with you. This was no more within your control then the changing of weather, the turn of the tides.  It merely is what it is, a child with a disease.

Continue to seek wisdom and knowlege of the program, find out how you can find happiness in spite of the things that are out of your control. Plug into and pay attention to that which is in your control, mainly the precious gift that you are only given once...your own life.

Savor life for the good it contains, list your gratitude list each day. There is far more to be grateful for ...find those.

Your friend,

Peggy7

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.