The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ahsober is taking our three kids on a snow trip today. I bowed out a few weeks ago because he was being a jerk and I felt it was the right thing to do (and it still is), but not because I wanted too, and it hurts.
Went into Christmas with no expectations and was pleasantly surprised to have ah include himself in all the plans. What made it good is that I made no demands and there was no conflict and even some healthy conversation between us. It was a good Christmas for the kids.
When we got home last night, I was packing all the snow gear, surrounded by the mess of Christmas, and I cracked. I told my ah I was sad; that I was having second thoughts about staying home. He told me I was welcome to go if I thought we could be friends and wanted to know why I didn't want to go. In a nutshell, I said that he had told me (before recovery) that all time/vacations we had spent together were miserable, to which he responded that he would try to handle things different and be patient (?) Also, I covertly spoke of his affair, that I was fine when removed from him but wouldn't be able to handle his cell phone going off with messages or him needing to sneak off to use the phone or text. To that he replied that there was no reason that would be happening and the only "sneaking off" he'd be doing would be to go to meetings (he goes every day and will do so when there). He used the term of us being "friends" a lot and that bugged me. He was very nice, but almost in a patronizing way. There was more to it than this, but it came down to me really fighting with myself in terms of if I should go or not.
One of the huge issues is that my ah has been unfaithful, and until I am told differently, I can only assume it continues. I have been doing better removing myself from it and realized that by being with my ah for 5 days, I just may get too close to the situation once again. It truly makes me act crazy. Also, the kids are all exhausted, and in the past, my h has freely blamed me for thier behavior and criticized the way I handled them. Thus, if I am not there, I can't be blamed. He has never had the kids alone for an entire weekend let alone 5 days, post-holiday and in the snow. I think it will be interesting, to say the least. The kids are 14, 10 and 3.
The other side is that this would be a first when my ah is in recovery (52 days and truly working a program). I am seeing great growth in him. He is a calmer man. His outward anger and resentments are gone, and he is starting to acknowlege his defects and use the tools he is learning. Would this be a totally different experience?
So, after discussing it with my ah's sister, I decided it would be better for me to not go and wonder if it would have been a good time, than to go and regret it. It is upsetting to me, but the way it is. To go would be forcing something, I think, and would probably move me backward in the area of detachment that I have worked so hard on. I need to let his program work on him and mine on me. If things are to get better, they still will, and spending a long time together right now could do more harm than good.
I feel regret for letting him in on my pain. I wish I was tough and he thought I was holding firm and not wanting to go because I deserve better. Bottom line is I want him to want me to go, but not because I want to or because he needs me, but because he wants ME. And, that ain't gonna happen.
Admittedly it makes me sad that my kids don't seem to care that I am not going. Initially they expressed concern for me, but that has passed. Of course I don't want them to be sad, but I want them to want me to go and they don't seem to care. We've had some really rough moments the past few days (ok, years) and I am thinking they are thinking it will be a welcome break. That makes me sad, but I deserve it with the way I acted.
Another confession and continuation of sob story - even with all the crap and chaos that has gone on this past year, my ah is still the hero. He scored them a great surprise Christmas gift at the last minute and he is the one who made the arrangements for the trip (though the place was my idea). I just get to pack everyone up and be left with a messy house. Okay, I am done now....
So, I will try to enjoy the time alone. I am going to attempt to get to a meeting every day. I have much to organize and clean. I have gift certificates for a massage and pedicure. I have friends that want to go to the city. I will be okay, but I still feel really sad.
Thanks for being here. This too shall pass....
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
oh lou my heart aches for you. I hear ya saying and feeling that you need/want to be loved. And you want that from him, yet you know the truth of it.
Same with the kids,ya want them to beg ya to come, but yet you know the truth of that too.
paradoxes are not fun. It is all so very confusing. It is like circles.
I am glad to hear you will go to meetings. Maybe make plans for each day,even if it is just a movie and relaxing.
The good thing is he is taking the kids.That is so cool.
Ya know he is deep in his program it sounds like. He is probably scared to death of getting close to you again. He knows he has a long ways to go. They become tunnel visioned, or like they are a train on a track. If they divert even a bit they crash. In time and with AA program the will hopefully get more maluable.More able to take on more.
Sending you love, and hugging you for staying on YOUR program and making a good decision.
(((((((((Loupi))))))))))) Sending you my care and concern. I admire you for your honesty, especially with yourself. When I am in pain and can remember to do it, I repeat in my head that I am letting my HP take on this pain (over and over and over) until I can focus my brain on something else. I hope you don't regret too much letting your AH in on your indecision. You were being honest with yourself and with him and that is admirable. You were completely on your side of the street. It is okay to be vulnerable. Honestly, for me, it sucks being the strong one all the time. I hope you have a peaceful and restful time. Take care of yourself!
The greatest gift of love we can give is love of self.
Without love of self, love from others is a temporary 'good' feeling at best.
I find that my best days in recovery are when I focus on the moment in front of me, rather than wishing someone were acting differently and pondering all the 'what ifs'.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I was doing okay. I was happy and sent everyone on their way. Actually had myself convinced that it could have a healing part in our marriage. Then....
ah hugs me and ends with, "I hope you are not planning on creating any drama while I am gone" (referring to me calling his g/f last yr when he was gone on a trip), in addition to other confrontations I have had (while he was in town).
This pissed me off and all I could say was that he is responsible for his own actions and the consequences that result. Ooooh, I am mad! He sticks up for her, protects her! I just want someone to stick up for me!!
I need to give it up, I need to give it up, I need to give it up, I need to give it up....
Maybe between my massage and pedicure this week I should squeeze in a consult with an good divorce attorney.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Remember there's no "one right answer" here - you've made the one that's best for you RIGHT NOW, and that's okay. That doesn't mean it's perfect, or solves all problems - it's okay to be sad.
I think him having some alone time with the kids is actually a great idea. It also occurs to me that he could have been emphasizing "friends" because not too long ago there was a big concern that there would be pressure to behave like lovey dovey spouses.
For what it's worth, when I was about 12, my mom was gone for the entire summer, and the 3 of us kids spent time with different relatives. When she came back, all I wrote in the journal I kept at the time was "good to see her" - but the fact that I wrote ANYthing tells me I had missed her greatly. Parents can often be seen by their kids as part of the furniture - and I think what this tells you is that you are succeeding in being massively stable for them, their rock in a storm. They don't need to ask you to behave differently, or beg you to be there for them, because it does not even cross their minds that you will not. Well done. They'll eventually figure out you have feelings too - it'll just be a few more years.
Well, what a snide little so and so. several responses occur to me (I know, the time for responses is past), from snidely "gee thanks", to belligerent "I sure wish you'd thought of that before you created all the drama last year" to sweetly if sarcastically "I hope you're not planning on creating any drama, too," to pleasantly "I think we've both grown since last year, don't you?"
It helps me to remember - even now - that even when his impulse to say something is honorable, sometimes the wiring that turns it into words is working in alcoholic mode, and something comes out that could have been said better, and may not even mean what it sounds like to me. If I decide I want or need to, I can revisit it later... "you know when you said .....? Could we talk about that?" - or not. I do both, depending on how I feel. I try to make sure my motivation is about me, not about him.
I'm sorry things aren't the way you want them... but what is the way you want them?
Kids, spouse, past affair... who controls those things? That is a bunch of heavy cargo to LUG around, obsess about, and perhaps keep a person "toxic". Do you think the kids don't care? Well, don't guess, surmise, assume... ask them. Do you think the AH is manipulating with the "friendliness"? Did you ever have a friendship with him, prior to marriage/kids? Could he be working his program?
I only have control of my self, my thoughts, my actions... the rest just is.
take what ya like....
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
When my ex has said things like what your ex said I have responded in anger also, but mostly passive aggresive anger. I think an appropriate response to him saying that as he walked out the door would have been a slap across the face. Hard. How dare he bring up his affair, your reaction to it, after you let him into your heart. I don't care if it is the disease talking or just a serious jerk but I know it all too well and today, it makes me sick. I wish I were there because I would have let him have it for you. I cried reading your post, remembering those feeling you described, the confusion. Hon, you are no saint, you never will be. You are human, just like the rest of us. You are doing the best you can in a really heartbreaking situation. Your strength and courage amaze me. Your story is inspiring. I will bet your kids will miss you. I know when I was a kid and I felt like I had no control over my life I pretended indifference. I did it alot. Just so I didn't have to be disappointed and also to protect my mother from feeling bad for me. Does that even make sense? Anyway, nothing changes if nothing changes and you did it differently this time. Now, enjoy your massage, your time alone, your meetings, your clean,quiet house and give yourself a hug from me.
I hope while I am writing this that you are or have gone out and done something fun that you want to do. You are really dealing with all this in such a direct way, not our usual al anon circular thinking. Very strong and honest decision to stay home. But I also hear your pain and I hear how much you want your marriage to work .......until he made that last remark. I have to mentally walk away from the thought that wastes my time with getting angry about the same ole' thing time and time again. I think that it is the A's automatic behavior to say something, anything to make us squirm and proove to themselves they know where our weak spot is..... seems to me anyway.
So if I can mentally let it go and figgure out the first thing I want to do, I just don't let him waste my time over analyzing or problem solving what I should do next as a reaction. I just go and do what I want to do........ at least, I try to most of the time. (: I want to have fun and connect with people and get some emotional support from friends and have fun, did I mention that. lol
Also, I have found I get more phone calls when the ah has the kids on his own so I don't have to answer every call and when I do, I listen and say do what he thinks is best so I don't get pulled into the responsibility of messing something up & blamed when I am not even there!
Just my two cents, so take what you want. I double dog dare you to make this the best, most fun weekend you have had in a long time so you have things to share too when the family returns with all their stories. Manicure, pedicure, friends........sounds like a great start.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
52 days into his program, he is fighting for his life. We often have to ask ourselves are we jealous of their program? It's said they can't even think sober until after 365.
Say what you mean, mean what you say...don't say it mean.
Focus on yourself and your program, period. Projecting is simply that, guessing what the future may hold aka buying worries.
Unfaithfulness has massive consequences not only emotionally but physically, keep yourself safe, make sure you haven't been infected with any disease by his past behavior.
Expectations for past hurts and new beginnings is merely an exercise in futility, he hasn't even done his fourth step/ looked at himself.
I hear second thoughts but on many issues. Him with kids who are tired from celebrations and holiday activities, I've never met a child who wasn't up for more fun ...so cross that one off your list. Going along, you've already made your choice...so cross that one off your list. Seeing a divorce lawyer..is this what your second thoughts are about? Talking with his sister...is she in an alanon program too? Having fun and concentrating on yourself..are you feeling guilty about having fun? Wondering if you should have told him of your concerns...what was the motivation behind that?
Get a sponsor, stay in your program, take baby steps, pray or mediate for wisdom and continue reading your literature.
So glad you are sharing your thoughts and feelings here. No judgement calls just questions. Ones I have to ask myself daily.
There is no one right way ..there are however, good choices and bad choices ..keep doing the next right thing for you.
My thought was at least now you know for sure the affair is stil on. He just gave you the answer. Sorry you have to go through this. Try to enjoy your extra meetings.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
