The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am grateful to those who read my pitiful post Christmas Day and took the time from your own lives to respond. I needed everything and still do. I made it through 5 hours of sleep last night, got up this morning, showered and dressed. That is a start. Husband ill and we must try to see his doctor today AGAIN. It is time for second opinion. I don't know whether to call my ex-DIL or not, but the plans prior to the blow-up was for me to keep the child while she works tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday (while she goes on an all-day, into the evening wedding). Relapsed son returned to work today, I guess. He never misses. So here I sit mulling it all around...what to do next, how to approach, how to fix it knowing fully well, I CANNOT fix a thing....etc. Then there is next week. NEW YEAR"S EVE and DAY....another huge 48 hours to get through. This site is so revealing about the holidays. How can anyone stand it? I am trying. The only thing I am not doing is attending f to f meetings; I've been there, done that. I absolutely hated the entire six months I did it. I read the literature, although I must say that GETTING THEM SOBER has been a real turn-off for me; and it is the most recommended book on this site. It does not apply to parents, in my opinion. Just lots of advice for spouses and basically how to get rid of the A. That is my take. And I am being truthful here. Anyway, I have read upteen books on A-ism, gone to meetings, gone to seminars, now have this site. Yet still I am not able to cope. I want to. When I look at what I really want out of life: I want to sell this house and move back to where we came from four years ago. We came here FOR this grandbaby and his parents. Now that has failed. I cannot bear to live here. My spouse doesn't want to "lose money" on the property....the real estate market is bad. See how the cycle of negativity just permeates EVERYTHING!! I don't care about money. I would walk away tomorrow from this. And at this very moment, I would just tuck the grandbaby and my memories and love of him into my heart and give it up. He won't remember me anyway except what he will be told. And that could be anything. I would make myself walk away from my son. Why not? Several of you told me to do just that....detach. The only way to do that is walk away. Misery....drinking is misery...hell on earth...heartbreaking....ruination....tragedy.... I can only hope that I can get better. Right now, it seems impossible.
Oh Omajoy, I was so overwhelmed by your post yesterday that I could not write anything, but just prayed for your safety and sanity, for hours during the long dark hours of the night.
So glad to hear from you today.
As Jerry said, let go of everything and everyone, YOU need to concentrate on you. Get the help for you.
I am a grandmother of four who has been denied contact and much more, but it is not appropriate for me to go into detail here. I am just wanting to let you know that I hear what you are saying and I can empathize with your situation for I have been in this situation and it was not until I hit absolute rock bottom that things started to change.
How?
I addressed ME. I screamed out for HELP FOR ME so that I could address my hurt, my hell, my heartbreak and ruination and tragedy and realised that I had to concentrate on getting help for ME 'toot sweet' otherwise NOTHING would change and I would simply sink into the mud and drown.
I had to change me first, and I had to GET HELP FOR ME, and I had to STOP BEING THE RESCUER and I HAD TO BE THROWN A LIFE LINE AND GRAB IT WITH BOTH HANDS, MY HEART AND SOUL AND MY WHOLE BEING.
It worked, even though it seemed to be only just in time, buy hey 'just in time' is better that too late, and I am now turning my world around. It is not altogether smooth, I have many down times, but I am managing better because I am focusing on me and my ill health, my unhealthy actions, reactions, thoughts and responses.
I am a typical 'work in progress'. Just for today I will put myself first and let others take responsibility for themselves. I will not be a rescuer, I will be rescued by what ever means and by whom it is appropriate for I am not fit to be trying to rescue others at this moment in time.
Does any of this make any sense to you? I hope so. Please, in my opinion, I feel you might consider concentrating on and getting the help and healing for you today.
hugs HB
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
addiction is addiction,whether it is a spouse,child, priest, etc.
diabetes is diabetes whether it is a spouse,child, priest etc.
If one hates face to face meetings, one hates the "truths" of the alanon literature, I would ask what makes a person hate it? Is this person fighting hard to NOT believe it? Is it so horrible a thought to accept?
And it is horrible. I believe even more so if it is your child.
Oma I can tell you love very strongly, care very much, and would do about anything, including risking health to keep trying. But hon it is a brick wall!!!
Our first step is we are "powerless"over anothers addiction.This being true,we then have to step back, and look at our "self" to see what WE need.
My same old analogy is trying to stop a river. Just me stopping a river. I have to accept I am powerless over it. Then why bother thinking about it anymore? BUT I still love the river, I still want it to go on.I cannot change the power of the flow and push of it. So I detach from fighting that, and just love it.
Until we master that first step,we are not going to get better.
When we get better, the A calls and we say oh honey I am so sad you are so sick.So what are YOU going to do about it? Not taking any responsibility at all.
The dil told you what she was going to do.I would ask myself,why don't I believe her? Then I would do as you did, get dressed, and put one foot in front of the other.
I hear your husband needs you. If it were me, I would take care of that which I can take care of, him.
It is hard to face the truth. I ask you Oma, what would happen if you did?
Aism gets worse,until we accept what AlAnon has to teach us,and apply it, we will get sicker, and sicker.
Do you really want your grandchild in this? Wouldn't you rather get well,and know you may be able to help your grandchild accept his father someday? If you did this, you would see the skills you would learn would apply to a child to his A father too.
I lovingly say to you,"please hear Al Anon" it is right here, waiting to accept you, and give you many miracles to help you with your loved one.
(((((((((((((((((((((Omajoy)))))))))))), I am so sad for your pain. I pray that you will find some peace for yourself. For me, I had to read and re-read and force myself to go to meetings for a long time. I did this long enough for some of it to start to make sense. I am very new to recovery, but I hope you stick it out, so you can see how this program can work. Don't beat yourself up. I had to stop hitting my head against one brick wall and start on what felt like alanon's brick wall. But it is truly different. For me, It started by me seeing the smallest glimpses of peace and serenity in others and in me. It was like coming out of a heavy fog and I am still coming out of it. I can see now that this program can bring peace into your heart, even if no one else changes. You can learn to change what you can...you. You don't have to be a victim of this disease anymore. I wish for you peace. You truly deserve it.
We are all resistant to change when we get here. There are things we just can't bear to look at too closely. Your HP keeps bringing you back here though. There's a lesson in it somewhere. Give the program some time and the chance to work. Keep reading and posting. We all know you are doing the very best you can at this moment. Our best does get better as we start to apply the program to our lives little by little. We didn't get here in a day, so boy is it a slow process out of the insanity.
I just want you to know that I hear you. Yes many of us are dealing with a Aspouse, but As may of us do, I have 2 brothers, mil & fil, 3 brothers-in-law, all of which are A's. This program works for all our relationships. I just have to look a little closer and be open minded about it.
Life can get better if we really work at it.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
