The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been thinking about this sort of thing a lot, as we go through the first Christmas without my husband. In some ways I am so full of grief, missing him so bad. In other ways, it is so nice not to have his moods and instability to deal with. I do not miss the uncertainty of life with him - even with four years of recovery under both our belts, I was always slightly on my guard.
When I think of him and his death, I mostly feel the grim fist of grief around my heart, but the relief is there too, can't deny it. And then of course the guilt for feeling that relief....
I guess the reality is that he really was one hell of a guy, and I would give anything to have him still alive. But, Lord, was he hard to live with. And I need to accept that I have both these feelings, and that it is all right to have them. Pretending that EITHER side of this was not there would be denying reality, and denying my own feelings, not just now but from all the years before. Just because I feel one, does not mean that the other is not equally true. He was an inspired and loving husband and father, but he was also the monster who ranted and raved throughout so so many years - if my feelings were NOT divided, I'd be denying the reality of what our marriage was really like.
I, too, understand the "two people" thing. They can truly be two different people. And I was (and still am) ASTOUNDED at how I am two people when dealing with him. I'm two completely different people, depending on if I am having to deal with sober A, or drinking A. Lin - sounds like you have SO much recovery - and that gives me SO much hope. Sounds like you've truly come full circle and realized that your husband was a great guy with a miserable disease - and you can see both of those things independently. I'm sorry for your loss. Blessings to you.
Oh, boy, do I understand how you feel. People who know about my "double life" wonder why I stay. It is because I love the man he is some of the time. But, man, do I HATE the man he is some of the time. I DO feel crazy sometimes, because my feelings are so divided.....and he can change in a split second. I am always on my guard, too. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if I left, but I know I wouldn't stay gone, so for today I will stay. Just before Christmas, we had been getting along OK. Then one night, we were talking about his friend's dad who is getting on in years, and how his friend is scared of losing his dad. And how life is so very short. He was helping me use an electric engraver to put our new granddaughter's name on a gold Christmas ornament, he was in a good mood. I said "Yes, that is why we must live each day as if it were our last. Because you never know." All of a sudden he screams "Well, some people make it HARDER than it has to be!!!! WHY did you go to the cops?!?!?! I HATE YOU!" etc., etc., etc..... Screaming and screaming. Said he wanted a divorce, he hates me........ The same old song and dance I have been listening to for the past 3 years.....I told him I was not going to fight with him, and went to bed. He came in the bedroom and screamed and told me to call the cops again. Said he wished I were dead. I told him if he didn't quiet down I would call the cops. I told him he didn't hate me, he hated himself. He finally left the bedroom. We didn't talk for a couple of days. The same old pattern. I am not afraid of him. He is not a fighter, at least not with anyone else. Always ran away from bar fights. Never acts like that in front of anyone but me. But I did tell him if he laid a finger on me he was going to jail. He did fling his arms around and end up with his finger accidentally hitting me in the nose 3 years ago, and I filed charges......all in the name of trying to get him some help. Boy, did that backfire! I have learned a lot since then. It is so bizzare how this disease changes a person's personality. Very weird. How can I love someone who acts like this sometimes. I honestly do not know. I guess I just treat it like he has alzheimer's or something. The rage he feels towards himself that is directed towards me is unreal. He doesn't look or sound like himself when he gets like that. He becomes a monster....not the man I love. Love in Recovery, Becky1
this poem and I hope it helps you.