The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've always been a holiday fanatic, especially Christmas. I'm the type that has house and yard decorations for each season/holiday. A and I were having problems after Thanksgiving so I put up the tree and a minimal amount of decorations this year. I was too tired, and zapped of good energy to do much else. Now I'm thankful for that because returning the house to normal will be a fairly small job.
This is the first year that my daughter, almost 4, realized what Christmas really entailed for children, i.e. Santa coming to the house, opening presents, etc. I really wanted to make this Christmas special for her. We went to relatives last night for our annual family Christmas party. Daughter ended up getting sick, throwing up, and generally unhappy so we came home early. I got the kids to bed so I could begin preparing all the gifts. This ended up taking until 1:30am. I was having trouble assembling some items, couldn't find certain tools, and various other things that slowed me down. I found myself getting angry at the A for not being here, for deceiving me and leaving me to take care of the responsibilities. After I was finally done, it looked as magical as I was hoping it would, took a few pictures and went to bed rather happy.
Our son, 8 months old, began waking and kept me up for hours on end last night. Turns out he is getting sick, and as of today, so am I. Second time in a month, so I guess it's stress affecting my body's ability to fight off the bugs. Of course, daughter wakes up earlier than normal, excited to see if Santa came, so I got very little sleep. I again found myself angry with the A for not being here. It's my choice that he's not here, but it's because he's not who he said he was. He deceived me, and that makes me angry. It makes me angry that our time together created a little boy who spent today, his first Christmas, without his father. I'm angry that he's not responsible for anything, and I'm left holding the bag, having to take care of everything. I love my children and would do absolutely anything for them, but there should be two parents sharing in this, not just the responsibilities, but the joy as well. They deserve to see loving parents enjoying their happiness, not one ragged, bleary eyed mother trying to keep everything together.
My dad, also an A, stayed up late with my brother last night tying one on, so they both missed Christmas morning with the kids. I was disappointed, although them missing it affected them, not me. I guess I just wanted the family around the kids this morning, loving them and making the day about them. My dad has been talking about how important it is for us to have our own family time on Christmas morning before our other relatives came over (was disturbed by a lot of people coming really early last year so we implemented a time rule this year), and he couldn't even show up.
I found that I experienced very little excitement and joy this year. That bothers me. I don't know if I'm experiencing some depression, if I'm just tired and cranky from getting sick and little sleep. I don't think depression, because I've been fairly upbeat through this so far, but I also know that I have been keeping my genuine feelings at bay, concentrating on what needs to be done right now. I know this post is just me, me, me. I'm not usually like that, but I feel like I desperately need some me time. I need to recoup and have some quiet time. I'm feeling drained.
Aloha Texas...Damn Supergirl would have felt depressed and drained at what you just experienced. Last I heard Texans are human too! You mentioned once that some of this was your choice. Could that be a part of your anger? I have been told and come to believe from my own experiences that depression can be defined as anger turned inward...Could be?? Accept the choice that you have made and see if the depression lightens up. And here have a ((((hug)))) Give yourself something nice also...it works!!
You did your best. Happy Holidays. At least you were there for your kids. It is a stressful time. I u nderstand the part of the A not being there. I asked my A to come because I thought it was appropriate to be there for our sons (grown up). But then he left. I get angry when he does that. I am left to deal with plane tickets, rides, college issues, etc. He really is clueless and self centered. That is the disease. May we have a sense of peace from this all if only for a moment.
I know how you feel, hon. Kids and I were sick just last week. Miserable time and I didn't get my christmas cards out on time. Actually didn't get half of them out at all. Then we spent a couple of hours doing dishes day before yesterday trying to catch up on the house. My AH and I are separated, but he is here and in active recovery, so been a big help. The last year and a half have been like you describe though. I was so angry at him for 10 years+ of marriage built entirely of lies. I felt for a long time cheated out of a life, but through this program I have found my life again and new dreams. And wonder of wonders a couple of dreams that I only thought were dead are alive and well, at least for now.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I hear you and I get it. There is hope, just look in the little ones face and you'll see it. ;)
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I don't really see "me me me" in your post, but do see "should should should".
For me, a big part of this program is learning to stop beating up myself and everyone around me, when reality does not fit my idea of what "should" be. It's the old story - "expectations are premeditated resentments" - when I become tied to my expectations, I am setting myself up for resentment. And that brings it around to the very basics - serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
I'm sorry you didn't have a great Christmas. It must be something in the water this year. Lots of people I know have been feeling this way. Alot of them don't have As in their lives either. I work retail, and usually it doesn't bother me. I'm usually my jolly old self. But perhaps because the A relapsed and then the customers weren't "just-so", etc, I found myself not as "ho-ho" as I would like. But then A got sober and we spent a realtively quite Christmas. It was unusual for all of us. I am now looking forward to some down time. Hubby is suppose to be going to see his kids and grandkids in a few days and staying for a week. I am glad that he is sober. But I am also glad to have some "Piper Kitty Days" for me. I don't have children, so yes that makes it easier. But we all need to take care of us. Don't underestimate what stress can do to you both emotionally and physically. I'm anxious to get back to some meetings here and settling this old brain. Serenity can be everything. Hope you and the little ones are feeling better soon. It's no fun to be sick. Be extra good to yourself. You've been through a lot. The anger and resentment is normal. The venting is okay too. That's what we're here for. Here hoping you get some . Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((texas))))))) You've got a lot to be proud of yourself for. Thank God your children have a mom that cares so much about them. I'm a divorced mom (of a 21 year old now), but for the past 14 years, it's been me there for him on Christmas. Don't get me wrong, his dad (who is not the A in my life) is very involved in his life and a good guy, but let's face it........when my son woke up on Christmas morning through the years, what he saw was all me. This year was no exception. Now that my son is grown, he appreciates that. He told me so this year. That meant a lot. I'll tell you though, I've had family in friends in and out since Thanksgiving, and it has been non-stop cooking and CLEANING for nearly two months now. I'm absolutely EXHAUSTED. In my immediate family, I am the only female (one son, two brothers, and a step-dad). I love them all, but (sorry guys) they're of little help with the cooking and cleaning. Yesterday after Christmas dinner, I left everything on the table and went and collapsed in the bed. Took a 2 hour nap (could have slept for days). When I awoke, not to my surprise, EVERYTHING was JUST as I had left it. I asked my son to take out the bags of trash. "In a minute". 10 minutes later I asked again. "In a minute". Then I became irritated. I "expressed my dissapointment" and he came running in to take care of it. Then he helped put away things in the kitchen, too! I'm a single mom, with a full time job, and no dishwasher at home. I like to host gatherings and make things special for my family and friends. But when I let myself get over-extended and exhausted, I tend to become angry. And the aftermath of it all?????? I ended up in tears, and indulged myself in the "poor me's" for a few minutes (by myself). I felt lonely. Like if I had my A here, that he would share the burden with me. Realistically????? No way. If he were here, it would just serve as a reminder of how "alone" I really am, I'm afraid. Yes....I do understand how it feels to be run ragged and be the one left holding the bag and responsible for making Christmas special for children. But I'm learning that our children would MUCH rather have a rested, happy mom than a bleary-eyed, over-stressed mom. I hope you're able to rest today and recoup what was taken out of you over the holiday. In the meantime, pat yourself on the back for making your Christmas a good one for your children - and give some thought to how you can make it easier on yourself next year. (I know I am!) Blessings to you.
Geez lady just raising kids is enough to exaust you! Then add the rest, hey you are still walking! Give yourself LOADS of credit.
I am sad you and your little ones are sick. If it were me I would put a sign on the door do not disturb, mom and kids are sick and close out the world! Don't give the disease anymore thought and I would put the kids in bed with me and sleep, or just take care of them there.
I felt all you are feeling. Raised my kids alone from 4 and 5 clear to now. They were such fun cute kids, I wanted to share it so bad.
Thank you all for your experiences and insight. A lot of good points were raised, and I have a lot to think about. I need to really look at my situation, expectations, feelings, etc., and cut out what I can, and deal with the rest more appropriately. I need to work through this more productively.
When I get stressed, the little things bother me so much more than they normally would. I talked to my mom today about how I'm feeling, and she is going to keep the kids for me for a couple of days here in the near future. I am going to hire a person to help me clean and organize the house from top to bottom when she has the kids. I know that probably doesn't sound like much as far as therapy goes, but it's a really big deal for me that everything has its place and we can establish more of a routine. When my house is disorganized, I feel like it clutters my brain LOL. Having a clean slate to start with will allow me to work out a schedule where I can keep on top of it each day now that I will be doing it all by myself. It's certainly not everything, but it's a good start for me.
My parents also offered to keep the kids one weekend per month so I can have some R&R time for me, and bought me a gift certificate to get a massage. I've never had one so I'm really excited about that.
I'm so thankful I have the family I do, and the caring people on this forum. It's nice to feel understood.
Be extra good to yourself. You've been through a lot. The anger and resentment is normal. The venting is okay too. That's what we're here for. Here hoping you get some 
. Much love and blessings to you and your family.