The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I am trying to stay strong. The relatives the friends, I have to watch how and what I say. My husbands mom had a stroke on Thurs.One relative called tonight, will be over Wed Thurs and dont know how long will stay on Friday. This person is a heavy smoker, drinker. I made the MISTAKE of saying "can you please put a limit on the smoking during the day?" Calmly, and carefully I asked..I should not have. I was verbally slammed..."I dont want to here your bulls***, stop your drama, if you dont want my relative to come tell me now, not even here yet and you are starting..." So i got up and went to my room. I hate holidays, I have too many tears. I dont have a sponsor. Cannot go in public. Too much shame so here i am writing so at least someone will listen. I cant even leave due to this relative being here for the mother who had a stoke. I will find lots to do, not to be here, but I am also the driver. There are few buses here. I have pains in my head and heart right now. I feel the tears. I read the Alanon books for strength...am in the chat just listening...and here typing...I am going to take a Tylenol.. I crave a physical hug and laughter now...instead I am praying that the pain go away and tears will not fall out. I never really liked any of the holidays. My parents were abusive also, now I am also in an abusive (Verbal Only, have to stress that) drunken relationship. I feel trapped inside myself. I dont know if I am making any sense. Thank you anyone who is listening.
Sounds like boundries. Maybe you can look up some readings on boundries in the CAL books. I think asking someone not to smoke or drink in your home is a very reasonable request. In fact, I have never had anyone smoke or drink in my home. My ex used to smoke but did so outside. We can control no one but ourselves which also means that no one has control over us. If we think or feel they do it is just an illusion. This is your life to do with what you want. I am sorry your A is verbally abusive also. That is such an overlooked aspect of the disease I think. The damage it does to us who are on the recieving end. But you are aware. That is good. I have to check my motives often when setting boundries. Am I telling the A xyz to get him to change or am I telling them xyz to let them know and keep me safe. I get hooked on the expectations. I set the boundry, I did it for the right reasons and I STILL don't get what I expected from the A. UGH!! No expectations. Hard to do. Love and blessings to you. It will get better just keep comming, cry if you need to, it is sad and stressful.
Dear Spirit, gosh, I sure do know what it feels like and I am so sorry you need to go through this! I know how hard it is to try to simply make basic reasonable requests and get completely trampled on, verbally, for merely saying a peep about something. Brings back terrible memories for me; I would never wish that on anyone. Anyone who says verbal abuse is somehow not as bad as physical abuse has not felt the headaches, the crummy depression, being unable to look a single human being in the eye some days, ugh, its worse because you are getting beaten up with no marks.
I wish I could step in and say: "Stop treating this woman this way!!, go pick on someone your own gender and size!" Men who yell at women and delight in verbally grinding them into the ground are the biggest cowards in the world...
Its good you have a room. Its good you come here. Do you have any girlfriends you can call or a sister or relative? I know that feeling, too, of just wanting some kind of hug or affectionate gesture. I never got any of that either.
Spirit, I just want you to know you are not alone. I know you will make it through. Its a really rough time of the year so try not to be too hard on yourself for feeling like crap. Many of us do, it will pass, I promise. Hugs, J.
Jean, you are right about the verbal abuse more hurting. As a kid that is what i went through...i am alone without any family. All I have is his. and that is no use in this case. and friends, well the ones i have are in relationships, some have heard me, but cannot be there for me. i am alone. but i am here and feel not so alone...
Serendipity, i am not understanding about detachment, i know i need to read some articles, can you recommend?
(((((Spirit))))) Those are the hugs...got more if you want more. Alcoholic comes home from the party drunk as a skunk and needing another drink. He keeps trying to swallow what he sucks into his mouth but keeps spitting it out and gagging on what he is drinking. He looks at his wife who drove him home and says "gad that stuff is the most terrible stuff I have ever had what the hell is it?" She turns around looking over her glasses and smartly replies. "You might want to go into the house and stop sucking on the gas tank." Alcoholic joke....something outside of the disease? An Al-Anon member was returning home from her home meeting and just before turning down the road she lived on she is hit broadside by a speeding car. As the lights start to fade the life of her alcoholic flashes before her eyes. Maybe ... The recovering alcoholic who is quite ashamed of his past goes out of town and attends a confessional of a church he has never participated in hoping to disclose his 4th step. Kneeling down inside of the curtained confessional he starts his confession..."Bless me father for I am an alcoholic wishing to clear the wreckage of my past..." At that point he is stopped by the priest and asked. "I know something about AA. Are you not supposed to do your 5th step with your sponsor?" to which the Alcoholic replied, "that is true father but my wife was out at her Al-Anon meeting and I felt this couldn't wait."
Alanon has a good pamphlet on detachment. It helps explain it. You can order it from www.al-anon.alateen.org/members
You are doing the best you can. Keep working this program and posting here. This site has been a lifeline for me.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Like the others, I'm so sorry you are in pain. For many years, I suffered from the "disease to please." I still catch myself bending over backwards to please people; but I'm so much better now.
For a number of years, a psychologist helped me not be such a people pleaser. At first I couldn't fathom people, especially those I care about, upset with me. So I'd lay myself down like a doormat for them to walk on. But I learned that I wasn't doing them any favors.
I think everyone has a right to set boudaries. If an individual doesn't want someone smoking in his or her house, then that's perferectly okay. This Christmas one of my brothers-in-law came as usual (great guy). BUT he doesn't understand alchoholism, despite his brother having to go to detox and then to a 30-day rehab facility. Any way, he was helping me in the kitchen when I learned over and told him that if anyone tries to bring alcohol to our Christmas gathering, I'd personally amputate his jewels. He laughed, but he got the message. Later that day, I looked out our kitchen window and I saw him taking wine bottles from his vehicle and putting them into several of our guests' cars. Previous years, he'd bring the bottles inside our home; I hated it; but I let him do it for I didn't want him to be mad at me. Dumb...dumb...dumb..... (BTW, he makes his own wine; he gives bottles of it as gifts.)
Nowadays, I don't care what people think of my "no alcohol" policy. If they don't like it, then they will have to go elsewhere. But guess what happened? Everyone showed up and they all expressed having a great time - they sipped either water, coffee, sodas, or apple cider.
Thank you Stormie. I am afraid to stand up to my A's side of the family for Verbal reprocussions from my A...I have to find strength from my Higher Power and lately I have turned it over to my Higher Power. Lets see what happens with New Years. Thanks again and have a good day.
Step by step, you will become more assertive and not allow opinions of others to govern your choices.
You're aware that you are fearful of how others will respond to your choices. Awareness has to come first. The ball is in your court; now you have to decide what to do with it.
It isn't easy for most of us; but the little steps taken here and there are well worth it.
