The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex didn't show for his last visitation. It was the day before Christmas eve. We have 3rd part supervised visitation by an agency. The girls, all on their own, had bought a little gift for him and wrapped it. And he didn't show. They were hurt and disappointed. I think my 13 yr old was not that surprised, she stopped counting on him a long time ago. My 9 yr. old, who wears her heart on her sleeve anyway, was very sad. My 4 yr old was actually excited to see him, that's the first time that happened. The supervisior was nice and she and I talked for a minute. I was very upset for many reasons. I had a feeling that he wasn't going to show. I don't believe he relapsed. I believe he either had plans to go out of town with his GF and didn't want to look like the sicko he is so he just went ahead and made the plans, got the kids excited about seeing him, whatever. Consistency, he doesn't understand the concept. Makes me mad and sick to my stomach that anyone could treat my beautiful children like that much less their father.
Then his family didn't even acknowledge my kids. Those wonderful, spiritual, wise people(so THEY say) didn't even have the guts to send my kids a card. Knowing what they have been thru this year. Now, I have told them do not contact my kids. I have said that for 3 years but they ignored me and sent gifts and notes despite me. That was when my ex was still part of the picture. Now that he has moved on with new gf they also have moved on. He wants to "start over" and that means dumping the kids. Can't start fresh with 3 kids as baggage. And besides, I make it SO hard on him to even see the kids. And he really can't afford child support...sooo...he decides to not be a father anymore. But still live 2 BLOCKS AWAY!!!!! Y'all saw that part comming didn't ya?
So, I got what I believe is best. Him out of their lives and his family out of their lives. I do believe this is for the best but damn, it does still hurt. It is hard on me. But really, it came down to no choice really. I did what I had to and someday I might be able to see it differently. Today, I am safe and my kids are safe. I hope. Detatching. I keep my chin up for the girls. I have too. They will take their lead from me. If I act as if this is all the end of the world and shut down and allow life to ruin me, that's what they will do and how they will deal with the rough knocks of life. I refuse to raise victims. I refuse to raise martyrs. And although I know they are my angels, they are not saints. Ex and his mother are award winning victims. I have never seen anything like it anywhere in my life. Not even on t.v. or the movies. It is mindblowing the way they can manipulate. My ex is even better than his mother. It really is disquisting. The people they have used, the lives they have damaged and they just continue. Wow. But the girls and I are no longer victims of their evils. We are free. We are small in number but we have real love. Not manipulated, conditional love and I have to keep that in mind. I have that to be grateful. I have my girls and the depth of their love and my love for them.
Life hurts and I spend alot of time in denile about my best friend and her daughter. I spend alot of time hating and feeling not right inside. I spend alot of time feeling the pain, grief and anger. I am feeling it, I am recognizing it and I am using my tools to deal. I refuse to wish any of this really hard stuff away. I refuse to wish away these hoildays and these years of my children's childhood. As painful as it all is, I refuse to let the pain be all there is. I will enjoy this life. I will do what I'm supposed to do as far as being a parent. And now I know that NO ONE, not my ex, his mother or mine, not well meaning friends or enemies will stop me. Not this nasty disease, nothing. This is my gift to myself everyday. I do hope he relapsed. Not because I wish him dead but because it is so much easier to explain the illness to the kids than it is to say "well, dad is done being a dad." His loss.
I am not to the point of detatchment where I can say it is what it is. I still think "All he had to do was treat me with respect. Just BE there for the girls. Make amends to me and them for however long it took. He never gave us the one thing we needed which was time. If he had just continued to do the next right thing for me and the girls we could have been co-parents." But he has burned all those bridges now. With what he stolen from me and my family. With the fog lifting and me seeing what really happened. After he attaked me there is no amends that he could ever make. I just hope he is gone forever so my girls can grieve and move forward without his contamination. Not very saintly or detatched but I really am getting there. I swear I am, it's just been a long 24 hours.
(((((((((((((((Seren & the girls))))))))))))))))))
You are making progress. It just never seems fast enough, esp when there are little ones involved. I just wanted to let you know I can see that you have a strong program and its working for you.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The more I read on here the more I realise that my past is not unusual for a dysfunctional family environment and that the things that have happened to me years ago, which I have not spoken about, are not uncommon when living with an A. However, it sickens me to have to admit that I am reading of another person going through some of my most distressing scenarios for I feel the hurt, the pain and the anger. Oh that we had a way to stop all of this happening to one more person?
There was no such opportunity for me to voice all these things 20+ years ago, and sometimes it seems when I am reading, that person is voicing all my concerns too and I find release in the texts too. I was mad at your ex (just beginning to recognise what detachment is all about, and that most certainly was not a detached reaction - ha ha) when I read of the disappointment that he caused your girls.
Serendipity, I feel for you and your girls and I have been wondering how you were all getting on with the tragic situation between your friend.
I will continue to pray for you daily.
Thank you for your sharing, it is invaluable.
HB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
So proud of you honey for realizing that you aren't going to let any A bring you down, if not for your own sake but for the sake of your children.
As the child of an A, my only regrets were that my mother allowed him to drag her down, to monopolize her every waking thought instead of "living one day at a time."
They say wisdom is learned backwards so I will never know but by the time my father left my mother, my youngest brother and I were so happy and relieved because we were going to be able to "live" again.
much love and support in your endeavor to be the best mom you can be and that starts by taking good care of you first so you can be available for those beautiful children of yours.
love ya, YourMaria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Seren, what a tough, tough thing to have to suffer through. Geez, all this pain that continues to create havoc coming right out of the neck or a bottle or opening in a can...it never ends until we find this program, let me tell you. I am so glad that you are keeping your chin up for the sake of your girls. It becomes truly monstrous how people can be at their very WORST this time of year especially when in their diseases, whatever they may be. I think this is why I like to just lay low and let it all pass without much involvement. So many high high expectations and fantasies are blowing around out there- its really quite astonishing. My own included, believe me. This year I really let go and it actually went- thank my HP and god.
You will turn the page, get up and dust yourself off and keep standing tall. You have a program. You use your program, its all over your post and I am so inspired by what you wrote. It makes me see that when my time comes for this (oh and I know its commin', believe me) I can do it, too, because you found a way to do it. We all can, if we work our program, one day at a time. Thank you. its an honor. J.
It has taken me a while to respond to this post. It's an emotional one for me.
You have had such a tough year and it is so undeserved. Even now, I am not sure what to say other than I am so very sorry.
I hurt with you and can hear your pain in your writing, but more so your strength.
You are an amazing woman and give me hope that I too, will be able to make it on my own and eventually see the bright spots in an otherwise very dark situation.
You are smart, you are loving, you are determined.
Your kids will rise above because of you.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
