The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have joined this site twice and cancelled myself twice. I continue to read the site many times a day, but had grown to feel this was not for me. I am the mother, not the spouse. So much of what I read was (in my own interpretation, I am sure) critical of mothers. I could not bear it. I took it personally. But the past weeks and especially this holiday have been so incredibly awful and painful I had to find someone somewhere who could hear me, please. So I have joined once more and I beg you all to forgive me for quitting and growing doubtful. I am still not sure I belong here, but I do know there are parents out there who can identify with what I say. Mostly I just have to get this out of my heart NOW. I am so seriously ill with what has happened I feel like taking a permanent way out. I cannot I believe I wrote that just now, but my heart is sick and broken.
After quite some time of sobriety, my son went on a binge starting Friday. The entire night, all day Saturday, and yesterday came the phone calls, the rants, the pitiful cries for help. He is supposedly still in love with his EX, cannot stand that she has men in her life and especially that they visit the house with the child present. I guess it is none of his business, but I do question whether it is OK myself.To me it isn't, but no one is allowed to have an opinion with her. Anyway (due to his questions and drinking), she called everything off: the overnight xmas eve with us, the Xmas Day gift opening, etc. We have had no visitation over this holiday. She stormed into my driveway and got the presents to take for the child to open. I have been totally raked over, cursed at, threatened, and now dont know what or where I stand. I reluctantly went and brought my son home with me...enabling??? It was a first for me but I was worried for his safety from himself, so I had him here for 48 hours. Just took him home; he is sick and he is humble and terribly ashamed. Typical, right? But the damage is done. I miss that child so much and it is tearing me apart to think of him opening the gifts we bought with another man or even other friends besides us. I think she really wants to see us all dead. It would solve so much for her. Except then she wouldn't have a babysitter!!!! Oh wait...maybe I am not going to be allowed to sit anymore either. That was pretty much hinted at. She told me she was going to place the child in a public visitation program and we would have to go for supervised visits there......me who has nurtured this child since birth. I can't even tell this whole pitiful story;it would take a book. It sounds so dysfunctional, so trashy, so awful, so immature. And it is. but I am at the end of my rope and would just as soon let it all be over as to continue to live this way. I just don't know what to do next.
Omajoy, I am sorry you are hurting so much today, and I wish I could offer a hug that would take all the pain away. ((((((((((((((Omajoy))))))))))). There is a try.
If a loved one's addiction adversely affects you, then this is the place for you. Doesn't make a bit of difference if it is a spouse, a child, or no family member at all. Please don't leave again. You are a valued and cared for member of this large "family."
And.....circumstances regarding his child can NEVER be considered none of his business; that is unless he has forfeited his parental rights, and you make no indication that he has. Even if he is not a custodial parent, he has a right to not only be concerned, but to get involved, in a legal way of course, to assure himself and his child that things are being handled properly as concerns the child.
I do hope that the new year will hold new promise and hope for you and your family. I will keep you in my prayers and positive thoughts.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I read your story and I felt your pain. It's not fair that she is punishing the grandmother over the actions of her ex husband. Perhaps after a few days she will cool down and you will again be able to ee your grandchild. I hope so for your sake and for the sake of the child.
Its's sad when a child gets in the middle of this turmoil.
Like Div said, alanon is the place you need to be. It's for freinds and family. It's for people who are affected by the drinking of another person. So welcome home! Glad you re-joined and I hope you keep reading. Maybe you can make it to some of the online chat meetings. They are very helpful to me. And if you get a chance, looking up the local meetings and going is even better. You get real hugs. ANd often we are huring to much, a genuine hug from a stranger is jsut the ticket we need to know somebody really does care and they will be there to hold us up until we are able to stand by ourselves.
(((((((((((omajoy))))))))))))))) I am so sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now. You have definitely found the right place. I've certainly found that alcoholism not only affects the alcoholic, but brings those closest to them to their knees. I am a friend (ex gf) of an alcoholic, but I know the pain and misery that his alcoholism brought to his parents. I think about often. When I think of the love that I have for him, and how much I ache - I quickly think of the love that his mother has for him and how her ache must be even greater. There's no stronger love than a mother for her child. And, though I'm not a grandparent yet, I know that the love for a grandchild is every bit as strong. I know this situation is breaking your heart. This board has been an endless source of strength and comfort to me when I needed it the most. You will find others who have been through similar situations - who can offer you hope. Thanks for being here.
Gosh Oma, I wish you could come to my al anon meeting tonight! Its full of parents dealing with their adult children. So many, so many. We even invited in a chemical dependency therapist specializing in adult children for a talk/lecture one night which was so incredibly wonderful for all of us- those who have kids and those of us who do not. This is a family disease, no matter how you slice it: as parents, as children, as relatives, its affected all of us. I wish you lots of warm protection and grace from your HP, asap. This too shall pass. J.
My precious OmaJoy..you are definately in the right place both here online and in the face to face meetings in your town or city.
Oma stands for Grandmother, this precious grandchild has been nurtured and loved and enjoyed by you from birth. Take care of you for that grandbaby if for no one else at the moment.
Joy, your given name stands for a feeling each of us can feel in our lives when we are in harmony with what our higher power has designed us for.
Your precious son, my heart aches that he has been affected by this disease. You spoke of his long sobriety, so that tells me with the right help he can get better with help. Know that you and I share that in common, having sons who are afflicted with this horrid disease. One of mine has known sobriety now for 4 yrs my other son for approx. 14 days now.
You spoke of rights concerning the grandson's welfare. You better believe you have rights in that area, anyone does if they feel, sense or believe a child is endangered in this country. You also mentioned the word "men" meaning Many........as opposed to "Man" that his mother brings into her house...that right there sends up a red flag for me. You can call child protective services if you feel the child is being exposed to anything that may be less then appropriate regarding his upbringing.
Speaking of his wife and her actions over the holiday toward you and your son being excluded from the grandchilds life, threatening, and bullying and manipulating things by using a chance or lack there of to see the child...indicates to me she too is either mentally ill, an A or addict of some sort, or she may have been raised by an A. That leaves me very concerned again for the child's safety.
Know that I came to these rooms both online and face to face feeling exactly as you do at this very moment. Confused, terrified, scared, angry, in shock, exhausted, like life and the world is insane, feeling as if I had lost all hope, trust, reason to continue. Know this my precious OmaJoy...you are in the right place and these feelings you describe are common in those of us who have tried to help, assist, survive, control without help.
What I found by continuing to come is amazingly powerful literature, hugs from others who have walked in our shoes (yours & mine) wisdom, kindness, understanding, new perspective, safety, sanity, willingness to care and share new ways to approach life since the ways I had been using ...had NOT been working for me ...to well, nope...not so much at all.
Please, keep coming back. For you, for your son, for your grandchild, for your sanity, for the love of all that matters in this world. Because my friend you are worth it. No one is a mistake, not you, not your son, not your grandbaby no one.
I can't direct you with magic answers, I can offer a hand, shoulder and shares of what is now working better for me. I will pray for you and your family in hopes you have the strength to carry on!!
Good to hear from you again, Oma. I'm so sorry your situation is so incredibly crazy. Every person the alcoholic comes into contact with is affected. I know you ache for your whole, fractured family. I'm so sorry they are all so sick. Please find a f2f meeting if you can. They really are a great way to get it all out.
Please don't ever think that you don't belong here. We all have our share of pain. We are parents, spouses, siblings, bf & gf, friends, neighbors, and of course in-laws. Of course you are going to hear from some who are frustrated with a mother. You will also hear from some who are frustrated with friends, brothers, sponsors, spouses, dil's, and the man in the moon. There is no end to the relationships that are affected by this disease.
I believe it is quite normal for you to feel upset at someone else that is angry with a mother. Your feelings are so raw right now. Many of us understand because we have felt the same way about one relationship or another. Just try to remember that we are all here for the same reason. We have been affected by this disease and we are all struggling to get our lives back.
Just know that we hear you. I understand how you feel. You are a valued addition to this board and it's members. We are all pulling for you. Lean on us as much as you need to. That is what we are here for.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
My first thought dear lady is,"We cannot do the same things over, and over, and expect a different result."
You know you were enabling. It is so darn hard not to. HOwever, when we do we are NOT helping them.I am a mother too. That wanting to nurture is strong. We have to accept, being nice is enabling the disease to kill them.
"Getting Them Sober," is a book that would help you so very much.
Oma I would not allow my kids at my A's moms either. Especially knowing he is there, and he is using again.
Even if he is not there, you are in turmoil over him again. Your grandchild can feel that. It may sound mean, however you said it yourself, your family is dyfunctional.
I have no doubt at all that you love your grandchild. Until a person gets into recovery, I mean the A and his family, it may be she feels she needs to protect the child.
Oma nothing changes unless we make changes.
What can you do? If you were my mil I would love to see you go to regular Alanon meetings. Learn not to rescue the A.
The disease is controlling you. All this drama is aism. It is all the disease. I can only go by what you have shared. it was said there was even more.Do you really want your g child in that?
I know you hurt, it is so frustrating, so hurtful. We have no control over what anyone else does or says. We have to figure ourselves out, grow,change, learn life skills to be able to go on.
I have not seen my much loved grandson Tigerboy for about seven years. I hate it. His mother is married to a very controlling man. She lies to him about me. tells him I don't love him. I had to let him go. No use fighting.
Not easy at all, he and I were very close. The only way I could handle it was to grow, and protect my own heart.I put it in hp's hands.
I do that by coming here, reading the Bible, living as lovingly as I can. I wake up lots of times feeling off balance in physical and emotional pain. So I do the dishes, sweep, brush the horse, wash windows, whatever. Just throw myself into normal things.
If we don't trust our hp to take care of it, it all just gets fed by the hate. Makes us sick.
It is hard, but when things are at their worst, we have to get real, and make changes unless we want things to stay the same.
Oma I hear a message and my response is that if you are feeling or thinking of a permanent solution to a temporary problem (It's temporary...this too will pass!) call for help. Reach out for someone who can come to your aid. Your pain will not subside until and unless you do something loving for your own protection and care. Should your reaction to this event be something to be concerned about beyond reaching out to this family group?
Let your son go. Let your grandson go. Let her go and go get help for yourself now.
check back in after and let us know how your'e doing.
