The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went out last night with a friend. The only place that stays open on Sunday is the casino, so we gave it a go. I don't gamble, all I could do really was analyze everything from the second I went in the door to the second I left. That place weirds me out. The pressure to buy and drink alcohol is so severe, it seemed like all the staff kept directing us to the bar and reminding us to drink. Tnank goodness my AH is too cheap to go there. Anyway, we were in the bar and the music was Ok...lame, I tried to make the best of it. The thing is, I just felt so lonely. I wanted to talk and joke with people, and all I got was alot of blank stares. I don't know what I want. Even now, at home, with my family, I feel so alone inside. I mean I love them and everything. I don't know, maybe it's just the holidays. I thought it would help if I came here.
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 00:16, 2007-12-25
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Hi rainy, yeah, casinos are really weird. The sound and lights alone can be quite challenging. I do not gamble or go to them unless I want to analyze them just like you said. Its a slice of life, not mine, so I can sit back and take a look like an anthropologist or something!
I feel alone also but not completely so because I am with myself. I woke up this Am and thought- what do I want to do today? I was by myself. with myself. I have been trying to stay with myself and just be with myself in the loneliness I feel. Just feel my feelings, accept them and love myself gently through all these feelings. This morning I felt kind of mad. Now I feel some sadness but I just got out of a movie which was a good thing for me to do- I went to the movies. Earlier I went to the beach and bought myself a nice lunch. Had popcorn at the movies for dinner. Now its time to email, etc. and then read and go to bed. I love to read and stocked up for the week.
I live in a place where christmas isn't really celebrated in the way it is in the US or maybe Europe. Half (or more) of the population here are buddhist/not into christmas so much but I am also renting a room in a buddhist household so its very quiet anyway. No decorations or trees or anything- none on my whole block, etc. Its like a relief. One of the things I really like about living here.
I just wanted to say I know how you feel in re: loneliness. In the past I would find something to do so I did not have to feel the feelings. I am trying not to do that so much, just feel them and let them flow through me.
That was a nice trip down memory lane of recovery for me! I rememer feeling what you were feeling. I remember arriving at all the lessons on "self love" from the literature and meetings and sponsors and such and I remember arriving at, "When you learn to love your self you can be alone and never feel lonely." I haven't felt lonely for a long while.
Anger now is a different thing altogether. I know the opposite of anger is acceptance. What I forget is the three seconds of time I need from feeling anger to acting rather than reacting. It works when you work it.
