The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The A has been gone for two weeks now. I finally quit worrying that he was going to show back up here in the middle of the night. He started calling me a little over a week ago. He's been living in the car, working day labor. When he saves enough, he gets a motel room for the night. He's buddied up with another day laborer who is also homeless, and I suspect is also an addict.
A tells me how much stress he's under and how hard it is to try to make it on his own. I don't doubt that's true. He's never had to take care of himself in his life. Of course, he's drunk each time I've talked to him and everything is my fault in some form or fashion. He tries to use guilt to manipulate me into taking him back, but I don't take the bait. This makes him angry. Then he tries other ways to get money out of me. When I don't oblige, he gets mad and just hangs up the phone. The next day, it starts all over.
He's running out of time. His car insurance terminates tonight at midnight. He doesn't have the money to extend it. I have thought of paying another month on it to protect my interest in the car. When it's repossessed, the car lot is giving it back to me so I can either make the payments and keep it, or sell it and get my $3k back.
He tells me so many different things. He says he'll give the car back because he can't make the payments and then he'll just be homeless. First that was going to happen today, then he said after Christmas. He says he's going to leave town soon but doesn't know where he's going to go or what he's going to do. He says his drinking problem is only my opinion, with his opinion being different which makes it untrue. He was going to come by to visit our son today between 10-11am. It's 10:50am now, and no sign of him and no call. He didn't show last weekend either, and couldn't remember that he said he was going to come by to see our son then.
I'm about to close the door altogether and just let what happen's happen. I've realized it's just him trying to manipulate and I can't rely on anything he tells me. I'll be glad when this is over.
May I ask you when is it ever over? I am serious, when is it over for you? When I read that it made me think. I have loved and known my AH for thirty eight years. We share a son, and like you are seeing he was never there.
Thank you for making me think.
Wow the car thing. You know it won't matter if he has insurance or not if he gets stopped dui, and in some states if you are in a car, parked and drunk you still get a dui. true in Oregon.n Eithere way, the car is impounded. You may want to call your dmv office.
It is a very sad situation. I see you are staying strong by not enabling and questioning the insurance.If he plans to bring it back becuz it is not insured, then if it were me, I would sure get the car back then insure it.
It is only time until he drives drunk, kills someone, dui, wrecks the car etc. As far as him not having a place to live, hard stuff, but remember the quicker they hit the hard knocks, the better chance he will get where he goes for help.
Have you read "Getting Them Sober," by Toby Rice Drews? Excellent book.
It was a hard one to take but I tell ya, in my experience it is soooo true.
I read it over and over.
Hope you are doing for you. Are ya getting anti stressors in? I don't know how old your son is, just wanted to tell ya, I never told my kids if and when he was coming. I did not want them dashed. As kids think it is something wrong with them.
Geez sometimes we do too. Two weeks really is not a long time. It really isn't. When my A left one time I had to move into my unfinished sunroom at the end of my barn, in the winter. NO power, water or heat.
Homelessness is horrible, but he does not even know it yet. I know you must care, I wonder what makes you talk to him.
When I learned when they were drunk or on whatever drug, that it was the drug talking, it did not matter what they said. I felt it as a waste of time to even listen or talk with them.
I refused to allow the disease to use me. A's hate alanon, they know they cannot mess with a person who is learning and using alanon skills.
I hope you will think more about you, making your life ok and what YOU want. He has a long ways to go, going by what ya said.
Over, I guess in the sense of, the "now" of it. I actually have a plan in place, and the finalization of it should happen soon. Much of it is out of my control, and it may not happen like it should, but I have to believe that it will. I called his probation officer. One stipulation for his probation being transferred to my state was that he lives with me, the mother of his son. They require immediate family to transfer from one state to the other. I told her he is now living on the streets, a violation of his probation. I also told her he was using again so they were going to test him on this last Thursday. She's started the paperwork to transfer him back to his home state, over 600 miles away from me. His home state has to make the final determination as to whether his violations will land him back in jail once they get him back. He knows none of this.
In the interim, he's living in the car I put the money down on, and so far, is staying in this area. I talked to the car lot that financed it and they put out a repossession order on it. They're giving it back to me so I can try to get my money back out of it by selling it, or keep it and make the payments, whichever I choose to do. He doesn't have the money to make the first payment which was due this past Friday. I'd extend the insurance only to protect my interest in the car. I don't care if he's stopped for DUI (I do care that he's drinking and driving, don't get me wrong there) because if the car is impounded, the car lot will get it back, thus I will get it back although I will have to pay the impound and towing fees. That's a small amount compared to the $3,000 I have in it. If he goes to jail here, he will remain there until he is transferred back to his home state. That would probably be the best thing for everyone since he will be removed from the streets. I worry every day that I have supplied him with the vehicle that may be the death of someone. I can't stand that I have had a part in this, and could ultimately be responsible for something like that. I know I'm not the one behind the wheel, but I've participated just the same.
I'm talking to him because I need him to stay here until things can be done through the legal channels to remove him from this area. Once he's gone, which will either be back at his mother's in his home state or jail there, I'll be able to serve him with papers asking for sole custody with supervised visitation for our son. Our son is only eight months old. Until I have sole custody, he could conceivably take our son and I would have no recourse other than through the courts to get him back. It would be hard for him to get his hands on our son, but it could happen.
Until these things are accomplished, I need to tread carefully, and although he knows I'm angry with him, I need to not let him know that the wheels are in motion to get him out of this area. I need him not to get so desperate that he either runs, or does something that he can't undo. Frankly, I'm afraid of him right now, and I don't want him to lose all hope at this point.
Once I gain sole custody and he is gone from this area, I plan to cease all contact with him.
Will it ever be truly over? For me, even with no contact, he'll probably always be in the back of my mind. A question mark for me as to what may arise. But once I get these things accomplished, I know I can reasonably close the door on this and move on.
I forgot, as far as anti-stressors, I'm doing pretty good. Once I was able to relax and sleep at night, things got better. My anxiety level dropped to a manageable level. My kids bring me joy everyday. We laugh a lot and that's so good for my soul. I know I'm in "emergency" mode right now, where I keep my head on straight and appear calm and "with it" until the emergency is over, then I allow myself to fall apart for a little while. Having kids, I know you know what I'm talking about . The grief and pain of all of this will come, and I will deal with it when it does.
. The grief and pain of all of this will come, and I will deal with it when it does.