The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi to all. I think this is my third post. I havent been here in awhile.During this time I have been attending many meetings. Seems to be the only way to get through the days.Lately I have been reading many of the postings. So much of what is said hits home for me.Sort of like you all saying what I havent been able to put words to. I appreciate the honesty. If you can't tell from the topic line, I have been sitting on this for a bit of time trying to get up the courage to actually post. I think I am going to need help getting through the rest of the holidays. I spent Thanksgiving alone, went to a place I dont think I want to revisit. I dont think I would do anything to harm myself, I have two grown sons, and I would not want to leave them with that kind of guilt. And I dont want to show them it is a way out. But it doesnt mean I dont ask my HP to take me out. There is so much uncertainty in my life, which makes me very uncomfortable. I still dont have a permanent job.Its not like I am not looking. Beginning to wonder if I am employable. Currently I am on temp. assignmentwith the library doing some bookkeeping. I thought I was slowing down some, but I guess not. To put it in a nutshell, the job was supposed to be for ten weeks and I didnt think it was possible to complete but I have finished it in five. They are keeping me until Jan 4th give or take a week. I have a tendency to work hard anyway to the point of getting sick then I let myself get just enough stamina back and I am right back at it. Guess it is also a way to avoid problems and feelings. I have more than enough of both of them.Dont do very well at dealing with either of them. In fact I think feelings are a problem or at least for me they are. If you want to know something else, that felt really stupid to say.
I miss by sons so much. I dont know how they are doing or if things are okay.The last I heard was the oldest is living with a guy two years younger than he is (he is 22) and this kid already has 2 DUIs. I have tried to call the youngest who is living with his dad (my ex A) and he is very angry with me. The youngest son wanted to go live with his dad and did just about everything he coulddestroyed many things, broke his hand putting his fist through a door and told me if I didnt let him go hed kill himself.So I let him go. Somehow it is now that I threw him out. I have gotten to the point where if I call it really messes me up. Also the comments from his dad in the background blaming me for everything, his troubles, our sons troubles. Although that is no different than when we were together. Am I wrong for not calling?By not calling am I closing the door on our relationship?Isnt that what I am suppose to do as a parent is keep the door open? Do whatever it takes? I miss what I know it could be with my ex A. I miss having the family I wanted, the family I tried so hard to create. It was supposed to be nothing like how I grew up. And that it all it was. And yes I want to know why. Why after I tried so hard I now have nothing. Why is it such a struggle.And many, many more whys that I know I shouldnt be asking.It was so hard to make him leave and now it cost me my family. At first he was saying if Id just let him come home he would try, that we belonged together, if Id just give him one more chance, he cant live without his family. Now everything that comes out of his mouth is mean and hurtful. Too many people and things to let go of and I dont even know how to begin.
I just read a post about belonging here and I have wondered myself. I no longer live with active alcoholism but yet know I am deeply affected. I try to remember all of those who dont live with it and still come here and to meetings.I find comfort here so I guess thats all that matters. I still have my doubts. Think I have said more than enough. Thanks for reading. Sorry just realized how long this is.
Oh my word, how that story rings true to me. It's all our fault, even when we are nowhere to be seen and had no influence on the decissions made by others.
Everyone seems to learn over time what it takes to reflect all responsability onto others... and the loss you describe... is hurtful, but will heal with time.
My divorce was final as of last week.... we struggled through keeping things going with her actively drinking... then with being seperated... all the promises and all the guilt slinging.
I have been in meetings for 2 and a half years... and posted like crazy here with this wonderful family... and the insurmountable is able to be gotten through if you take it one day at a time.
Sounds like you are doing what is the next right thing for you... and yes, you have a right to do that. You don't have to carry guilt for not calling a house where what you get in response his hate and discontent...
I have no magic words, but if you take care of you... the rest will work itself out... it always seems to for me.
Keep you in my prayers my dear.... Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
oh bin you are so very very welcome and you are already a part of us just by walking in the door.
I don't know about anyone else but I pray for people to find MIP.When I first came this one gal, Mel told me, you have many miracles that will happen.I was not sure how to take that.All I know is,she was right.
Sons are tough lady. Mine is 31 now and I guess angry with me again.I don't even know what made him mad. He does this from time to time. He is bi polar and goes off his meds,
He does this every few years. I believe they get angry about the power we have over them. We don't even realize we do it. But here they are growing into men, yet they know mom still has the power to bring them to tears or make them extremely angry.And simply, they need us.
I know how it hurts. I want mine to call me or come over all the time. sigh
I am glad you came,your post was perfect. I hope you will share your experience and thoughts.
We do our best not to tell others what to do,but we share what we did,or we may make suggestions. There are many people who come here who truthfully care about others.
Sometimes we get some heated things going for a day or two.It is just part of our MIP family.Thankfully, most times it is worked out as everyone is important here. We need to hear all sides, as long as we say in our experience.
Anyhooo please come back. I know how you feel. I thought I had a family too.Now here I am by myself being a slave to a farm animal sanctuary....(<:
love,debilyn gearing up to trudge thru the mud....If you don't hear from me, call Popeye and get a can of spinach ready....
