The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is the first time for me to post here. I've been married to an A/drug addict for three years. He's been clean for some months and relapse big time. Well, it's happening right now. Everytime he relapse, I get so sad and depressed. I know that I need to work the 12 steps and take care of my happiness, but right now, I just don't know what to do. I still love him, but I don't know if I can just focus on me and stay calm even knowing he's somewhere being messed up. What I'm trying to figure out is that if there are only two choices I have, either I stay or leave. I would appreciate any comments. Thank you for listening.
Hi z78 and welcome to these boards. You found a good spot and I am glad you have joined us! It took a lot of courage just to post what is going on for you so please try to be gentle with yourself and pat yourself on the back for coming here and posting. Just admitting that you are struggling is a great step in the right direction, there are a lot of big brains and big hearts here and we all help each other with what we are going through- you too. First of all, you are not alone, there is so much love and experience here. Second, you do not need to make any decisions right now or even tomorrow or this week. You already have done something very powerful, you reached out and asked for help so you see, you DO know what to do AND you are doing it. And finally, its completely OK to love him. I love mine, too. so much...We learn to hate the disease and love the person, and believe me it is possible to learn how to do this although it may seem impossible to you right now (I know it seemed impossible for me at first). Please keep coming back here and posting no matter what you are going through or feeling. We are here to love you unconditionally. You are safe and have a home here, do not fear. Your loved one is in the hands of his higher power (HP), a being far more capable than any of us humans. He is where he needs to be, going through what he needs to go through. The only one you have any control over is yourself. Hugs and love, J.
hi and welcome. My first thought was you have the choice to live with your A and use Al Anon skills and support to be as content as possible. Or not live with him and use the same skills.
I ache for you going thru this. My experience is when my AH relapsed, my loved one died. He was no longer the man I fell in love with.
Learning and believing our A's are very sick, many times helps us to be more empathetic. They do not choose to be an addict.
Just wanting to be in recovery is not enough for them to stop.
For you, I would invite you to do for you whatever would make you feel better. I had to put my A visually in my mind in HP's hands. Had to learn to allow him the dignity to go on with his life, and I with mine.
I got myself soft slippers, blankets, made myself eat and drink as healthy as possible, just did all I could to nurture me. I know that pain, it is so awful.
I hope you will make this a sanctuary, vent, share, ask for support. We all care about you. We share such a powerful obstacle in our life, a loved one with the disease of addiction.
It helps me so much to take care of the me my creator made me.We really do find when we love our self, we do much better in dealing with this.
Zen I wanted to add, if you love him, you can get to a place where you can love him even when he is using. It is the same as loving a person who's cancer came back and they are not the same, or more like a diabetic who keeps having hypoglycemic attacks.
I just found for me,when I believed he was a very sick man, I just wanted to be with him as long as he was not mean.
Hello Zen actually there are alot of choices , you don't say if your attending meetings for yourself , u need support from people who understand exactly how your feeling . Some times we need people with skin on em ya know ??? One of the choices I found along time ago in an old forum magazine . If yur not ready to leave the relationship , and find it hard to stay , it's just not time to make the life altering decission . sooooooo BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED . get h appy get your life back on track and see how u feel after a few months of meetings . good luck Louise
Well there is a choice to work a program while you work on your options. Pia Melody actually recommends that in her books. I believe that Margaret Norwood recomended that too. Of course doing that is not easy. As all of us know living with an active alcoholic is not an easy prospect. At the same time that is where many many many of us have been. I came here 3 years ago lost and totally paralyzed with fear. I've been here about daily sometimes all day in the chat room since. I remember the first Christmas I spent in the chat room. People were incredibly kind to me. I did not feel judged, did not feel I had to take anyone's suggestions and felt "held".
3 years has been a long long hard haul for me but I've seen a lot of progress in the last year. For me it is no longer about leaving or being with the A its about me and my life. He was incidental to that. He was certainly a huge huge issue for me but now the issue is me. I have many many many issues. His issues are not the central part of my life anymore. They were for years and years they drained me. At the same time I hid behind his issues as a way not to deal with my own issues.
I have goals these days, small goals by anyone's account. I am poor, in bad health, isolated and not in the best place in my life but I have goals. The A does not step in and sabatage those goals anymore. He is not at the front and center of my life. He was for years. He no longer is. Now it is about me and what I need to do to take better care of me. I am worthy of that.
Please keep coming back here. There are wonderful, loving, kind, wise people here who have been exactly where you are. We will listen and care and tell you about the program and in time you will be able to see how the program works in your life too.
Alanon suggests you try at least 6 different meetings to find one that you will feel akin to and while you are working on yourself, changes are happening in very small ways and before you know it you are a different person. After about 6 months of working on you, you may feel up to making a life changing decision and you will feel strong to do it if it is the right thing to do.
Finally, it's suggested if you don't know what to do sometimes, it's best not to do anything until the time is right. Just give us a try!
Welcome to Miracles in Progress, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
