The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last 4 weeks have been very "intense" for me. During that time three people I know have died suddenly and unexpectedly. Two of these were program friends and one is someone I have sat next to in meetings at work once a week for the last year.
I just returned home from a memorial service for an AA friend. He died in his sleep at 58 years of age, on his birthday. I had just seen and spoken with him two weeks ago at an AA Christmas party.
All three of these deaths have stunned me.
To make matters even more interesting for me a valued friendship has also changed and I am dealing with the loss of that as well.
Today's service was beautiful and served once again to emphasis a message to me that my HP has been hitting me repeatedly with the last month.
The message is Live every day fully. Do not assume that I will get another one.
So much of my pre al-anon life was spent waiting. Waiting for people and things around me to change. Putting my life, my happiness on hold, always thinking that someday soon all will be the way I want it to be, THEN I will finally be happy.
So many wonderful opportunities passed me by in the past. I try so hard not to let that happen today. But I will be honest, sometimes situations come up in my life...opportunities for happiness, big and small and even still sometimes I will think myself right past them. Spending time trying to project the outcome of a particular action....how will it effect me...how will it effect someone else's future. I think so much sometimes.
I am trying so hard now to tell my brain to leave me the hell alone! To shut up and let my feelings have a say for a change!
I did something yesterday...something my brain wanted to think about some more...something it wanted me to wait on until a "better time".
I thought about the 3 friends I have lost, and I thought, how many things did they put off to a tomorrow that will never come? So I did what my gut told me to do, in spite of my brain.
And if felt so good!
Then today as I sat in the memorial service....I listened to the man's three adult children get up and talk about their dad....each one spoke openly and honestly about their dad, how basically there dad had been two people during his lifetime. The first dad, the dad of their youth, was not such a good dad, a man controlled by his disease, with all its trappings. The second dad who was reborn after he found AA. A man filled with joy and love whom so many people loved.
Each child new the same man a little differently. They spoke of the admiration they had for his courage and strength to change his life for the better.
They showed a slide show set to music of his life. So many wonderful pictures of him after he got into recovery. Each showing his beautiful smiling face, and his joy filled eyes.
I laughed and cried and was so grateful for having known him, to have felt his spirit in my life.
There were so many, many people there. What a tribute to him it was. What a gift to his family.
I road to the service with my sponsor and sponsor's spouse. On the way home we had a wonderful discussion about gratitude and living in the moment.
Now is really all there is or ever will be.
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow will never be now. Now is now. If we are ever going to be happy it has to be now. If we keep waiting for tomorrow, it will never be here.
I am so grateful I left work today. Something came up at the last minute, which threatened to make me cancel my plans. But my program told me not to change what I had planned to do. My feeling said it was more important to go than to let my brain talk me out of it. I had been unable to attend services for the other two friends....so this one was even more necessary for me.
I am so grateful to have been given the light of this program with which to see my life. And I am learning that the more I give of this light to the people around me, the brighter my world gets and the easier it is to see myself. Who I am, what I am....a precious child of God. A child of a loving father who wants me to be happy. Who wants me to be love. And to spread that love and happiness as far as it can go.
I am so NOT waiting for tomorrow anymore to let my life be all that it can be with a little faith and trust in my God's plan for me.
Wow, David, that is an incredible post. This is really making me think- I do alot of the same kind of heavy thinking all the time. Trying to second, third and fourth guess myself, etc. I think its like walking on egg shells 24/7 but I often do it to myself although I do it in response to A's, too...although I am trying to work on this and some days are better than others. But it is good to be reminded that THIS MOMENT is where its at. To stand there and shift from foot to foot, trying to intellectualize it, etc. aint cuttin' it! Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughtful post- really good for me to read this right now. J.
Thank you David, you are a very special person. Your post made me realise that yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet here but today is and today will be as special as I make it for myself.
Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I sure do know what you are feeling. Sometimes death teaches us more than we ever thought was possible.
I can see you are open to all that your heart is feeling. I send you hugs and a shoulder and a hanky to dry your tears.
You may find, every time someone dies, you will grieve everyone you have lost all over again. It is grief work. Be tender with you as loss is no different than an open wound.
I am so glad you are here at MIP. much love which is what will get you thru that fog,debilyn
This has been a year of loses for me also. There is much shock to get past when it's so unexpected. I wish that I could take on your attitude of living life -- for me I am still so heavy ladened with sadness that I trudge thru the days trying to be grateful for my life, the moments of joy -- I have to look hard for those.
Life is a gift -- I sit and listen to my children -- they are my joy and are what keeps me going. Sadness is only part of this journey -- I'm looking forward to living life without this cloud. I know it will pass.
I could relate so much to the "waiting". How I waited and waited for the A. How I waited for so much in my life. I am so sad about that. I do work on relishing the days. I am taking control of this week off work. I dreaded it and dreaded it and felt I should be working and all these other things. I have plans and goals and I am going to work on them. I am so grateful to know you and see you work your program. I am also so glad that you got to go to your friends memorial it sounds so wonderful that his family could be so very honest about their father.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. You have touched my awareness of living in the now and made it come alive with more clarity, meaning, and depth. I hear ya and your light has shined way over here on me. What a gift!
thanks, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
WOW! Did I need to be reminded of that. I sit here with tears in my eyes. I remember the old saying: Yesterday is history. Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is God's gift. That's why we call THE PRESENT. Yes my friend, we have to sieze the day. Life is too short to be miserable all the time. Thanks for the reminder. Carpe diem. Much love and blessings to you and your family. Love to the kitties. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Live strong, Karilynn & Piper Claus
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Found these lyrics to the song by Steven Curtis Chapman, thought I would share...felt they were beautiful and gives a smile instead of dispair. Going Home For Christmas.
Her house was where the family gathered every Christmas eve; A feast was set on the table and gifts were placed beneath the tree. Everything was picture perfect, Grandpa would laugh and say, That woman spends the whole year getting ready for this day.
One year the leaves began to fall and her health began to fade; We moved her to a place where they could watch her night and day. But she kept making plans for Christmas from her little room; She told everyone, Ill miss you but Ill be leaving soon.
Im going home for Christmas and Im going home to stay; Im going home for Christmas and nothings gonna keep me away. Ill be with the ones I love to celebrate the Saviors birth; This gift will be worth more to me than anything on earth. Im going home, home for Christmas.
All the leaves outside have fallen to be covered by the snow; The family comes with food and gifts and Grandpa comes alone. Theres a sadness in our silence as the Christmas storys read, And with tears, Grandpa reminds us of the words that Grandma said.
Im going home for Christmas and Im going home to stay; Im going home for Christmas and nothings gonna keep me away. Shell be face to face with Jesus as we celebrate His birth, And this gift will be worth more to her than anything on earth, Cause shell be home.
And as we sing Joy to the World I cant help thinking Of the joy thats shining in her eyes right now. And though our hearts still ache, we know that as we celebrate, Shes singing with the herald angels and heavens glowing on her face.
And now shes home for Christmas and now shes home to stay; Shes home for Christmas, and nothin couldve kept her away. Shell be face to face with Jesus, as we celebrate His birth, And this gift will be worth more to her than anything on earth. Shes home, shes home for Christmas. She is home, shes home for Christmas.
