The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You all have been so kind and supportive in responding to my posts that thought I should share a little about myself. I am 31 years old, single,and the mother of a 3 and a half year old. I have a twin sister and we are the product of an alcoholic and a drug addict. My mother passed away about 6 years ago from alcoholic cyrossis. My father has been in recovery from drug addiction for about 7 years. I lived with neither of them very long growing up, but instead was raised mainly by my great-grandparents who I lost at 16. For the past 13 years I have been obsessed with the same man- the father of my child. I only dated one guy in high school. He was going to be a preacher, but I grew out of him upon graduating and soon met my A. I was 18 and he was everything I dreamed of. He left soon after, but I never got over him. Through the years we have been friends and every thing between. One thing is consistent- I have never been attracted to anyone like him and he knows it. His drug use progressed over the years. I have used with him some- day binges usually which have caused me to feel connected to him, but after also extremely guilty and even afraid I may have influenced him in a negative way by participating. He is in bad shape now- has Hep C and uses IV drugs. I worry constantly that he will overdose and often that thought preoccupies me. I am currently try to detach from him and I am making some progress I believe. I really value this board and have bought several books on codependency, etc. I also have a therapist appt scheduled for the day after Christmas. I long to have a relationship in which I am valued as much as I value the other, but I also want to start valuing myself. I am attempting to be open to others and have a blind date tomorrow night- though I dread it. I have a Master's in Healthcare Administration and I know the people I work with would be shocked at how low my self-esteem is as they all seem me as bubbly and " a people person." I do marketing and often spend much time alone in my car now- which seems to be a hazard at times as I tend to use that time to overthink. I started out in the Adult Children Group and shared my story with them. If I have previously shared my experience with you all I apologize. I am just touched by how honest and open everyone here is and wanted to extend myself as well.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think it is always interesting to see how far we have come.
I believe that codependency is my core issue. I certainly have other issues with spending, food and self esteem. For me dealing with people is very very difficult. Like you I grew up in a chaotic household.
Christmas is a very hard time for me. I attach fiercely like you do. I have found reading as much as I can on a wide variety of topics helps. There is no quesiton therapy helped me immensely. I would love to get back into therapy again and there is a possibllity I can do that in the new year.
I don't think there is any need to apologise for giving any of us background. I know I can identify a lot from people's sharing. This board has been immensely helpful to me. Getting support is a real issue for me.
I just have a thought - when in those long journeys in the car, how about listening to program tapes? I agree, long periods with nothing to do but think are not always very helpful to those of us who tend to obsess.
Probably find some in the recovery book store at the top of the page. Or, just google alanon tapes and see what comes up. I find that in general, dealing with the people who distribute these tapes is a joy. I ordered some CA tapes for my husband, thought I had done something wrong, as no place on the website was there a way for me to pay - turns out they sent me the tapes, and trusted me to send them a cheque once I got them!
