The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was thinking this morning about how I wish that I could just be nice to the A, be kind to him but it seems that every time I acknowledge him he takes my kindness for weakness. He sees every act of kindness as an opening to try to come back into my life. Each time I talk to him or reply to an email I get escalating responses. I notice he always starts off really nice and then it turns to anger when he doesn't get the answers he wants or the things he still believes he's entitled to even after me being gone for over a year. I think this is what drives me to the point of not wanting to talk to him at all.
I feel bad because I wish we could have a civil relationship where he could see his kids and we could speak to eachother without him taking it as I might give him another chance with me. Of course I did give that opportunity, all he had to do was have a home, a job, be clean and have a way to get there to see them. In two months all he could manage to do was go back to jail.
Why can't they just take the kindness given without ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS expecting more?
Every now and then I find myself wondering how my ex AH is doing... and wish I could just have a normal conversation with him and catch up, but I know it can't ever happen. I had to completely shut him out... not see him, not talk on the phone... or he would take it as an open invitation back into my life.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
AMEN TO THAT Y'ALL!!! My exAH came over last night to get his paycheck (it is still being mailed to my house). I was cordial to him and he gave me a hug and kiss on the forehead. I am trying to keep a cold mind/cold heart here. Rather not extactly cold heart but not warm either.
I hate being stone cold towards him but dang...every time I so much as hold up my side of a conversation or smile or look in his direction, he thinks we might get back together. It is so hard.
So today he called me @ work. He has the day off and went by to get the kids to take them Xmas shopping. I know he is going to spend money on me and I wish he wouldn't. Asked him not to. Gift giving is something he would read wrong. He gives me a gift, I am supposed to bow down and beg him back. I DON'T WANT HIM BACK! But I cannot make him see that or understand it.
I want to be civil for the kids sake but he makes it difficult. I am so tired of the games! So yea, right there w/ya on this one.
For me, it was another round of grief and letting go of my illusion of control. I wanted things to go like this, we would divorce, he would stay sober, be respectful and kind to me, be a father to the kids. Yeah, expectations, they get me every time. Besides the fact that my expectations were not unreasonsble for a normal person. He's not normal. As much as I explained to him over and over exactly HOW to be normal, he just never co-operated. LOL!
You have not asked alot from him to be able to see the kids. You really haven't at all. But he is a sick, sick person. That doesn't mean we have to be nice to them or even accept their sickness. We don't. Don't keep touching the hot iron, you know you'll get burned! Even if you touch it with a different finger this time. Why have any contact with him at all? If and when he gets sober and sane, he will contact you with an apology. Until then, walk AWAY from the brick wall, put a bandaid on that head and watch the kids open their Christmas presents with joy....they will never be this age again.
the issue for me isn't so much anymore their behavior its mine When I set limits he doesn't come around anymore. What's that? No conflict. I don't scream shout or even try to organize his life. That's what he always claimedhe wanted. In fat it isn't. He wanted to "use" me. He thrives on conflict.
I maintain my space and my life that is what is so key for me. When I set limits he vamooshed.
You hit on something for me there. I set limits, get my life in order, he leaves me alone....I panic. I am asking myself why I am still willing to trade in my serenity for his chaos in exchange for brief moments of closeness with him?
