The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past summer we had a death in the family. It was my best friend's daughter and my daughter's best friend. She was 4 and drown while in the care of my mother and with my 2 youngest right there. I still don't have all the details. If I have heard them I have blocked them out. We have all been doing grief counsiling since which has been helpful. I am healing.
The hoildays would be hard anyway but the thing is my best friend is the one who always came to my mom's on Christmas Eve (which is my birthday). Even if we hadn't spoken for months (because of scheduals or whatever) she and her kids would be there. This year, ofcourse it's not happening. Understandable. I haven't spoken to her since right after this happened. I am not strong enough. The week after she died, my ex attacted me in my own home. He knew how raw and vunerable I was and took advantage of me in the most henoius way. Dealing with that also. First Christmas without him also.
My best friend's husband is an active addict alocoholic. Despite that fact he was very involved with his daughter. Similar to my ex, he was a good dad except for the drug addict part.
My mother called me today and told me that best friend's husband called my mother's BF (who was there in the water when the little one drown) and said to him "I hope to hell you are suffering. I hope you feel just a little of what I am going thru." Sounded either drunk or crying. Now, my mother's BF is in AA for years which I don't count as being sober but that's his thing.
I didn't say a word just "oh". I had to go as I got company just then. It just really threw me. Not that GF's husband is still hateful and blaming. That seems to make sense. I feel sick over the entire thing all over again. And helpless. There was talk that my best friend was going to sue my mother and her BF over all of it. That is another reason that I haven't contacted my best friend. I don't know where their head is. I don't want to know. I am dealing with all that has happened to me personally and my children's grief all by myself. No husband, no grandparents, nothing. Others don't get it. It is complicated grief.
Ok, so, I have to sit with these feelings. There is nothing I can do. Can't change the past and not sure how to go about the future. My present is hell. There is anger within me, there is shame, there is blame, and just plain grief. The anger seems the biggest right now. I can't stand my mother's BF but him being attacted like that seems personal to me. Where was best friend's husband when this happened? Why didn't they get little one swimming lessons? Why were her kids always with MY mother? Why did they NEVER offer to take MY kids anywhere? Ugh. I don't really feel this way but it is my reaction to feeling attacted and blamed.
The day little one died, I lost everything. It's just a fact. I am slowly rebuilding. I am doing it for my kids. The pain that we are all in is so intense. I don't know how they will all survive this. I know now that I will. I have this program and I have HP. Even still, it is sickening.
That is a very horrible place to be. I do hope you continue the grief counselling as it will take a long time to heal through this. It is no one's fault that this tragedy happened. It was an accident. Please try to be strong for your children this holiday. I will say some prayers for you.
I know this is probably the worst time for you and especially for your friend who lost the child. I think the thing here to remember is that you didn't cause this to happen and like you said there is nothing that can change it. As you said the addict made the call, we all know addicts can't see anyone else's feelings and/or pain but their own.
First off, you are not your mother and if your friend in any way blames you for the death of her child she is either a) not a very true friend or b) in so much grief that she doesn't have her head on straight yet. You are suffering, your kids are suffering, there's plenty to go around and to make an insensitive call like that is just typical A behavior (it's all about me...). Try to let it go and not hold a grudge. Don't accept blame that isn't yours either. The only involvement that you have here is trying to make it right for your kids and you by working through your own grief and trying to provide your friend with sympathy and that doesn't mean accepting responsibility or abuse for something that is in absolutely NO WAY your fault!
As for the call I think Oh was a great response because the call wasn't for you or about you in any way. Why would you take an attack by a drunk guy on your mother's BF who you don't even like as personal?
seren, I am sure you know there are certain predictable stages of grief, and one of them is anger. The child's father is feeling the anger stage, and is striking out at those he feels were responsible. Whether they were or not is not the point. Dad is suffering, and rightly so. Please do not take this personally for Mom's BF. Try to understand the agony and pain that has settled over the dad. Time, and only time will soften the father's feelings. I am told the worst thing that can ever happen in one's life is to lose a child.
I wish you well this holiday season. And, I am sorry this tragedy still haunts you. But good for you for taking grief counseling. I am sure it will help see you through this terrible time.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I currently live in a place where people lash out at each other a lot. At one time I would put up with it and let it go. These days I've let those people who did that to me know that in no way shape or form is treating me that way acceptable and let go of the relationship. Those relationships are pretty new for me. Nevertheless I am under intense pressure to conform and make "nice".
I think you've done a great job of setting boundaries. We do learn how to do that here. We learn what we will and won't put up with. I put up with violence, financial abuse, every kind of abuse from the A. I'll no longer "take" that. Nevertheless I am really super careful about not erupting. I try to set a lot of limits around loaded times. Sounds like Christmas is loaded for you. I have a really hard time then myself.
You say you don't know, and we certainly don't, what actually happened there. One thing for sure, though, is that YOU are not to blame for what happened - you weren't even there. And so, I wonder - is there a chance that your friend, while unable to reach out to you, may be waiting for YOU to reach out to her? Remember, for all the grief and loss you are feeling, she is feeling more. I'm sure she is blaming herself most of all, too - mothers will do that.
I don't want to appear to be giving you advice, and don't want you to feel that there is any pressure here, but I'll tell you what *I* would want to do, if I were in this situation, and you can think about whether it might be right for you. I'd send a card, or a letter to my friend. I'd say something along these lines "I can understand that you may not want to have anything to do with anyone from my family now. I'd just like you to know that I am thinking of you, and am so sorry that you have to go through this." She could do anything she wanted with this - respond, throw it in the fire, who knows. However, I know that *I* would feel better for knowing that I had reached out, to the person in even more pain than me.
I agree with Lyn. I was thinking the same the whole time I was reading the responses. Just a simple note that says you are thinking of your friend at this time could heal so many wounds.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
