The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I got another call from a bailbondsman. He says so he's a laborer right? and I say I don't know. He's silent for a minute and he says you're his wife and you don't know what he does? and I say we have been separated for about 15 months, I have no idea what he's doing. So he says, well I guess there's no point in continuing with this conversation then. And I say nope he knows I'm not gonna bail him out.
I was slightly amused but wondering now 3 calls from bail bonds places could he HONESTLY even have a smidgen of hope that I might come rescue him?
As for work, from what I understood he was doing nothing, otherwise the state would have sent me some child support.
When I told his mom she was all upset about all the crap she has sent him, boots, clothes, money I'm sure, etc. Sooo I tell her for the millionth time, you need to just leave him alone and let him figure out his own stuff. You do this every time and then he loses it all so what's the point? Makes me wonder how much she has squandered away on him and kinda pisses me off that she doesn't send it to her grandkids instead considering they don't get any support.
Then I remember the delusion I was under about how if I helped him that would be helping myself because he would work and the money would come into the household, helping me and the kids. That may have been true but it wasn't worth the cost of living with an A - hole. I bet that's what she thinks that by helping him he'll go to work and support the kids. Maybe this time she'll figure it out. I don't know though, we have been going through this for over a year now and she does the same thing each time. She was my biggest supporter when I was with him rescuing him, sometimes she would fly in from other states to come rescue me while I was rescuing him LOL. Now I just can't relate to her it seems so clear to me and I can't get her to see. Oh well, it's her life, her money, her effort.
You know in some ways I feel like there is a gap when we go through this codependent stuff. One of the women who lives in the house with me continues to relate to some of the more psychopath types there. I don't. She has even bought the most psychopathic one a Christmas present. He is certainly not going to appreciate it. I can't force a boundary on her. She has to go to them on her. She sees me have the boundaries but isn't drawn to it. I know people pleasing can be fiercely addictive. I have been a super people pleaser all my life. There was never a time when I did it more than at Christmas. I used to send my younger sister's children really lovely gifts. She never sent me a thing. Not one stitch. Now and again she'd send a card. I'd make all the calls, do all the writing whatever. when I stopped sending the presents I encounterd a lot of disapproval and no understanding that hey maybe I was nearly homeless and couldn't send them.
I have been in the Karpman triangle that is some form of rescuing, people pleasing and rescuing all my life. I am hoping in my old age I can get out of it. My housemate may or may not get out of it. The other day she told me she was deeply depressed. For me the two went hand in hand the deep people pleasing and the deep resenting and then the deep rescuing.
