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I am seething with anger and need to vent. Been sick with this Norwalk virus for a few days and am weak. My A is playing mind games again and it is making me very angry. A couple of days ago he accused me of faking my illness for attention. This was after the doctor diagnosed me. Yesterday he comes home from work and acts like nothing has happened. Asks me how I'm feeling and if I need anything, trying to be Mr Nice Guy all of a sudden. I told him I'm taking care of myself just fine but thank you for asking. In the past I'd have peppered my reply with words to incite guilt but no more. So he leaves the room for a bit and returns with a armful of papers. Sits down beside the bed right near me and starts reading them. I think he purposely sat there so I could see what he was reading. He was reading about recovery programs. I'm pretty sure this is a mind game but there's a part of me that hopes he's serious. I don't know what's he's trying to do but to me it still seems too little too late
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If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck - it's a freakin duck and no amount of wishing in the universe is going to change it into a swan
I can relate very much. I had to get hugely angry at the A in order to start setting limits. The A was very very very rarely there for me when I have been sick. In fact recently when I do not want to speak to him all I have to say is I am sick and I am guaranteed he will not call!!!!!
I feel for you. I think one of the definitions of someone who is addicted is to look for conflict and create havoc. This is no relfeciton on you. I think it is incredible you have stopped trying to manipulate him. I know where that got me.
I also know for me at least my former A would not listen to my anger. I am still angry at him that he totalled the truck (and he took the insurance money of oourse!). He can never hear it because he can accept no responsibility. I recongise that now but the anger has not gone away. Anger can be very useful in leanring to set boundaries.
It's all about the actions and the follow through. I spent 8 years of my life living on hope and believing those words I so desperately watned to hear. In my case it worked out best to hope for the best but expect the same ol same ol and make decisions based on that framework.
I would have been tempted to throw out a ... like you care or what do you mean I'm FINE remember? Or maybe even a silent treatment. Very mature of you.
It took me a long time to learn that I don't need to react to his bait. I used to always fall for it. It has been almost a decade long relationship and I've only learned to stand up for myself this past couple of years. Better late than never
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If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck - it's a freakin duck and no amount of wishing in the universe is going to change it into a swan
One thing to keep in mind is that he can't do anything TO you without your consent. All he's really doing is sitting in the same room with you and reading - the rest of it is in your reaction. Yes, knowing A's, you're probably right that he is doing this with your reaction in mind, but just because he might be playing games does not mean that you have to play along.
I found, with my A, that on the whole I got along better when I stopped looking for the meaning behind what he said and did, and took it at face value. For many years, we had both worked on the assumption that it was my job to read his mind, and that he had the right to be angry if I read it wrong. When I stopped playing this no-win game, it was amazing how much less anger and resentment I felt.
You know it's hard not to feel bad about myself when I think back...I tolerated bad behaviour for so long it became automatic to just react when provoked. I became a robot of sorts. Took me a long time to realize he was just baiting me and trying to get some sort of rise out of me. I know he wanted me to ask him about what he was reading but the new me thinks if if he were really serious he wouldn't be reading - he would already be signed up for some kind of program. It's why I ignored the reading and went about doing my word puzzles.
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If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck - it's a freakin duck and no amount of wishing in the universe is going to change it into a swan
Over involvement was my middle name to this year. I do not know currently where the A is. I presume he is at his Uncles. Before I would have made sure to know where he was. I do not know what his income is. I don't need to know. I do not know the state of his health.
These days I am worried about my health, my income and my whereabouts. I do care about the A's health, income whatever it is just a much much lower priority to me. The only way he can deal with it is if he is the top priority and I'm not willing to give that much up again.
