The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Per my previous post, I just called my AH from my office and told him that I knew he was drinking last night and that I would have a lot more respect for him if he told me the truth. First he hemmed and hawwed, then said that he had had a piece of rum cake a lunch. I told him that was bull - that I could smell the alcohol coming off of him in waves. He finally admitted that he had gone to the local bar and had a couple of drinks, but it wouldn't happen again, he loves me so much, etc. What do I do now?
You know how ppl on here say, watch what he DOES, not what he says? Do that.
And remember it doesn't have to be all or nothing. It doesn't have to be either perfect-looking marriage or divorce; it could, for example, be a separation, reconciliation dependent on whatever you choose - rehab, 6 months sobriety, active in program, joint counseling? Furthermore, whatever you choose as right for you NOW does not have to be right for you forever - give yourself a timeline to revisit it. When I do this, it has the added benefit I don't have to second-guess myself - I can say, I'm going to look at this again in 60 days, right now I'm just seeing how it goes - no need to decide NOW what I'm going to think 2 months down the road.
And right now? I'd say figure out how to have some special moments during the holidays, and worry about the rest of it after. Take what you like and leave the rest, as always
I always had issue with the all or nothing thing too, either we are together and in love or we are apart forever. Black or white, no gray but life has lots of gray. I never thought of the separation and just watching and waiting. But that's what worked for me, now I know what I want.
I remember feeling like such an idiot for believing his blatant lies, and so mad at him for thinking I was stupid enough to really believe them. I mean what's the point of buying a drug test and giving it to someone if you're going to accept that there must have been something in the glass the he peed in to make it come out positive? Notice I said accept and not believe. Better yet, what the hell is the point of being married to someone when you feel like you're their prison warden rather than their wife? Now I would know that if I had the urge to buy a drug test it's time to move on. I was SO DESPERATE TO MAKE MAKE MAKE him be better! I was going to FORCE him to be better if it killed me! Glad I got out before it did LOL. When I left I was at the point where I was either going to die or end up in jail for murder. Thank God for Alanon!
What do you do now? You work on you, as that is all you can really do. Choose recovery for yourself. Step One reminds us that we are powerless over the A, alcohol, etc.... Thinking otherwise is a tremendous waste of emotional energy....
"he will either drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Get yourself healthy, and your answers will become more clear. "Catching" an active alcoholic in a lie is hardly enlightening, and doesn't help him OR you....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
T2M, CGirl and CGuy, you guys are the Recovery Rocketeers, man!!! Super sharp! Just what I needed to hear today!! Just promise you don't stop keeping it real here on MIP, ok?! so much lovin', J.
That whole incedent is classic "insanity". Yours!! (said in a loving way). It's what makes us crazy and obsessive. We feel the need to force them to tell the truth at any cost. It's the same insanity that makes us go on a bottle hunt. You already knew the truth but badgering him in to admission/submission seemed right at the time. Like forcing it out of him changed anything?
I so remember doing that. Then after my A would admit what I already knew I still felt let down and pissed off..
Yes, he drank. Yes, he lied. I had finally badgered the truth out of him. Now what? Wait for the next time I could catch him? (and there would always be a next time).
I was right, but still felt insane. How could that be? Because it was all a power play. Once I figured out I was powerless and that I would rather be happy then right, I managed to move on from that behavior and started takeing care of myself.
p.s. I did have a giggle over the rum ball excuse.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
