The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi friends, I really need to vent. In the past two months my AH has spent a week in a locked detox facility, gotten a DUI, with blood alcohol of about.27, trial upcoming. He went into detox after I told him I was filing for divorce. He is supposed to be getting into an alcohol treatment program for court, but has done nothing about setting this up. He has stayed sober since he came out of detox, until last night. I went and had a manicure after work, so I got home later than usual and as soon as I walked in the door I could tell he had been drinking. He smelled of alcohol and his behavior was the behavior he shows when he is drinking, which is radically different from his sober behavior, i.e. repeating things over and over, forgetting we had eaten dinner, and repeatedly asking when we were going to eat, etc. I KNOW he was drinking. When I confronted him he insisted that he had not been drinking and why would I ask such a thing. I gave him 2 or 3 chances to come clean and he insisted he hadn't been drinking. I just gave up and told him I didn't feel well and went to bed - true - I am heartsick. How do I get through XMas? I'm probably going to file for divorce after XMAS, but don't want to get in a big hassle with him until the New year. I just want to sob. I am not going to a party with him tonight that we were supposed to attend and if he gets another DUI, so be it. The drinking is bad enough, but to insult my intelligence by lying to my face about it? Does he think I am that stupid? Chetch
I don't think he thinks you are stupid. It is so hard for me to believe it when others say that As believe their own lies. How can that be? My A son does it too! They try to turn everything on to you because of their guilt. How can they think we don't know what we see. Bottom line.......detach....I don't even ask him questions anymore so that I do not have to hear the lies.
(((((((((((((Chetch)))))))))))), so sorry this is happening for you.
It's not about you. He doesn't think you're stupid - he's just not thinking at all, the need to deny and cover is so strong. You can, if you want, calmly say, oh, okay - you're just acting the way you do when you've been drinking, so I thought you had been. And walk away just as you did. You've said your piece - no need to say it over and over. If he IS drunk, and maybe even if he isn't, he may not be hearing it anyway. Sometimes I'll say "I need to let this percolate for a while" when I feel myself getting angry and know that I would not be able to stay calm if I talked about it right then. Then during my "percolating" time I try to think about what my own motivations and expectations are, so I can express myself both honestly and kindly afterwards.
He's got other disease stuff going on, it's all spilling out on you, and it sounds like you're taking it on. You don't have to. You're allowed to wipe it off, say dang, stupid disease stuff spilling on me AGAIN, and go on.
I hope you can pick one thing that makes Christmas special for you and do it, whether he's able to join you or not. And I'm thinking about you. Easy does it - baby steps.
Don't question yourself. I was so messed up I couldn't even make a decision because I constantly questioned myself, my decisions, reality. You can't let them tell you your reality. I remember mine would say I've been drinking fruit juice... Ya with a bottle of vodka dumped in maybe. I think it's better not to ask questions but just make statements. Then they don't have an opportunity to answer. I see you decided to drink today. No question there. It's like dealing with a child. You can leave it with you can believe what you want to believe and I'll believe what I want to believe and walk away.
Your not stupid and he doesn't think your stupid. Lying is his way of justifying himself. A director of a treatment center once told me when I was in his office bawling about my DH's latest lie. " Do you know how to tell when an alcoholic is lying? I said "no" he told me his lips are moving" Pretty much sums up my alcoholics whole life. Do what you have to do for yourself and let him face the consequences of his actions. Hard to believe but we are stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for.
