The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have come to the realization that I have been putting off a couple of things for the last few days because I am afraid of the outcome. One is to contact the pastor of the church we hold my homegroup meeting at. I have to ask for the key and I guess I'm afraid he'll say no. The other thing is a customer that I need to contact that I have found out has had a problem with service. Not a big deal. She'll either be reasonable or not.
I realized today that this is sometimes a big problem for me. I get paralysed by these relatively small nameless fears. It usually has to do with some kind of conflict, or perceived conflict. I don't have a conflict with the pastor, just a couple of questions.LOL I hate this feeling of dread that comes over me when I have to face a conflict of any sort. Esp now that I don't have constant conflict in the home. Maybe that's why I can really see it now. I get ready to make the call and get short of breath and seem to find any excuse to delay. (Been sick for 3 days, that works real good for an excuse.lol)
I am going to make both of these calls tommorrow morning before I call my sponsor. <deep breath> Ok so now I'm committed.
Thanks for listening. Feels good to get it out in the open.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
O Jen, that could be me talking, talk about paralysing fear, that is not the half of it.
I am so scared of anything that hints of conflict and may turn out to be 'more than I can handle', or require some standing my ground and acknowledging the slightest bit of negativity. Even posting here on the board is scarey for me.
So, deep breath and GO FOR IT. The vicar will either let you have a key or he will arrange for someone to lock and unlock for you, either way it is his decision and he will have to reason the best way forward. As for your customer, if justified you can only assure her that you will endeavour to put things right and see that she does not experience any further bad service, if she is not justified you can only listen, reason and bat it back into her side of the court. God Bless, Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Anything to avoid confrontation about anything. I have to think that it is a form of low self esteem. It's like I don't have the right to question anything anybody does to me. If I am in a restaurant and something is wrong with my food, I would just rather not eat than to say something to the waitress because I do not like anything that brings attention to me. I am getting better at that though. If I have to call someone about something work related I get nervous that they might ask me something that I do not know or that they may get confrontational with me. It is a horrible way to be....I hate it! I see my boss almost become rude with people but she manages to get the job done, whatever it may be. She has no problem being a pest to people when it is something she wants. I have to say that that does get on my nerves a bit though. A lot of people express that they do not like the way she is but she does not give a s--t! I have always wanted people to like me at any cost though. I guess another form of low self esteem. My A son is exactly the same way....hmmmmm...wonder why????
Maybe you could call your sponser first? I get the same way, but you have it all worked out in your mind. You know what you need to do and you know you have no control over the responses you get. Progress, right? When I see myself procrastinating I stop myself and my excuses and jump in with both feet, just to get it done, even if it's not as perfect as I wanted, I feel accomplished because it's done!
What is it with our fear of conflict? I break out in red spoltches all around my neck and chin when I get nervous. How embarrassing and there's noting I can do about that! I like to procrastinate too, the less desirable it is to do the easier it is to procrastinate. Sometimes I have to make lists because I get so many things that I put off too long that I forget them all together.
I think some of my fear of conflict comes from all the years of trying to avoid it to keep the peace. When the ex AH was drinking and in one of those moods, I just avoided him altogether. And when he was sober and I was brave enough to bring up something, he managed to turn it around on me every time.
I have had an issue with my dad, and I let it go and go and go for months. I just avoided him. Kinda hard considering he lives 3 blocks away. It had me almost throwing up on the day I finally confronted him about his behavior. I get queasy just thinking about it. And since that day I have not spoken to him about it again. Christmas should be fun! We are all going to my brother's for dinner. My plan (big surprise) is to basically avoid him, and say as little as possible to him.
Thank you all for the responses. At least I know I'm not the only one. I did make the call to the pastor. He has others to talk to about it, so won't know anything for a couple weeks due to the holiday. The customer I have not gotten ahold of yet.
I do feel better having talked about it. I think I'll bring it up at my f2f as well. I think I need to 4th and 5th step this thing. If I get it out in the open, it is harder to ignore.
Again, thanks for the responses.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think I completely learned some of the paralyzing fear in association with certain things. I can remember the time when I was even afraid to use the phone to make cold calls, in my late teens and early 20's. It was because this was a huge fear of my mom's and I just learned it. Now its completely a non-issue. But before, any thought of cold calling someone about something would make me want to throw up. My sister had the same thing- it was like: what the heck was THAT about? I think my mom was so afraid to ask for what she wanted- in any way, shape or form that even getting on the phone to ask a professional to make an appt. for a consultation, asking for any kind of help like calling a babysitter, checking with a grocery store about the availability of an item, etc. seemed like WWIII. She still is afraid and when she does it she gets all confused and flustered and needs to call back repeatedly to get it right, change it, verify it, etc.
