The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found the following somewhere and read it often, sort of like tying a knot at the end of my rope to hold on better.
"when we remember HP's faithfulness and his ability to bring good out of any situation, we find our fears calmed and our confidence renewed."
Does it seem to anyone else that before things get better, it gets worse. And I am talking about myself, not my AH which frustrates me completly. But then again, I am glad he responds positively more often when I use al anon tools like walking away and seeing my part in things and not throwing things in his face. He's better but always seems to put on a better act when college kids return and also to his credit, realizes his involvement with younger kids matters. I've backed way off, not rescuing the kids when they act out for their AD and he is stepping up to the plate better.
A functioning AH is so deceptive as can keep things going but I never know what I can count on so the anxiety has just used me all up and I have so little ability to deal with any chaos at all. Therefore, being I don't have the same relationship with younger kids as helper because I am getting out of the way so their AD steps up, most of my time with them is when chaos starts around meals or attending something like concert and my patience is gone from all the past years. I am anxious, impatient, easily frustrated with normal things that kids do like say their homework is done when it is not, have clothes to wear for some function when they don't, aaaarrrgggh!
So first, I did too much, tried to control things and keep everyone happy but gave all my power and my life away. Finally came out of denial and joined al anon last summer. Now I am just not the person or mom I want to be so I am soooo hoping that with recovery it will get better and I am just dealing with the phase of it's getting worse before it gets better. I am on step 2 with a sponcer and looking forward to finding a closer relationship with HP to find the calm in the storm and some much needed serenity.
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
((((ddub)))) Yes I have often said that, and know that things seem to have got worse for me before they get better. It is the same with me that stepping away to let others make there own contribution is risk taking and leaves me 'out of control' or rather 'not always holding the reigns'. However, it often has been my experience that things SEEM to get worse because I am changing and letting go and not always holding the reigns.
Love your knot on the end of the rope...I will have to envisage that the next time I feel insecure and feel I am going to fall off.
Hope some of this makes sense, I can only tell you how it has affected me.
Love, Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I know I am very rarely the mom I want to be, mean, impatient, mean, did I say mean? Sometimes I hear the stuff coming out but I can't stop it. I know it's mean, I can't stop it. Am I posessed?
I think I'm still a better mom than I was which isn't really saying much. Other people think I'm better than I do. (I'm not as mean when they're around...)
Ok I am feeling better about myself now. Its nice to see that other moms feel just like I do.
ddub - I know what you mean about not having any patience any more. I gave so much of myself for so long, trying to "keep it all together" there was nothing left for "me". So I was short and cranky because of that. Now I have changed my situation, and yet I am still short and cranky with my kids........
The only thing I can come up with is that I am still in "give" mode. I am working on getting to a place where I have a better inner balance. I suffered from anxiety attacks well before I met me ex AH so I can understand where you are coming from.
Keep trying. I think Heartbroken maybe on to something with her experience about things feeling worse as you change your behavior.
Your posts are always so cerebral for me. I read what you write and then think, "yeah, yeah, that's it...."
I still have my rage episodes, and often wonder when I am going to get "better". I cautiously say that the frequency and intensity have decreased, but I certainly am not the mom I want to be. Even though, I really am doing some things differently. I am starting to own only what is mine and let my ahsober take responsibility for himself.
I actually was just thinking about this tonight. I didn't get home from work today until 5:15 and my d had a school performance at 7:00. In the past, I would have been hurried, grumpy and anxious, and made sure we had a decent dinner, phoned my h to remind him, insisted my d look dressy and performance presentable, saved my h a seat at the performance, called to tell him where I was sitting, and actually cared if he showed up.
Tonight was different. I never even told my ah about it. He called to get details when he heard about it and then again to tell my d he was going. The kids ate mac & cheese (and a bowl of cereal and an orange when they got home), my d went and stuck a headband in, changed her sweater and wore her jeans and tennies, and I found myself a seat right smack in the center of the crowd.
Turns out my h came in just a few minutes late and sat next to me since my little one was sitting on me rather than his own seat. Yeah, my d did look a little less festive and more rag-a-muffinish compared to many others, but ya know what? I was okay with that. That is huge for me. Also, neither my d nor I cared if he saw her sing her song, but he cared and so he decided to attend a 10pm meeting so he could make it. Magic? Nope, al-anon and God, get the glory for that.
When I was driving home I was wondering to myself why I cared and tried to control my husband's behavior in regards to attending events, for so many years. I don't know the answer, but I do know that being separated as we are now and engaging in new behaviors has increased the peace in my life tremendously. It is all about letting go and being okay with it. I think the okay part happens for me when I realize that the ocassions go do much better without him or if he is in sole control of his actions.
I do believe it can get worse before it gets better and it is a matter of of just holding on and weathering the storm so that we can see the rainbow. Of course this must happen again and again as we address different issues in our lives. Sigh....
Good for you on getting a sponsor. I see you growing. You have so many great things to say and have a lot of insight into yourself. Be proud of yourself.
Wishing you a peaceful holiday, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 10:57, 2007-12-20
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Its nice to see that other moms feel just like I do.