The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
or so the saying goes and with that in mind I think I should try to write down what is troubling me.
So (((family))), I have been getting on with life for myself these last couple of days and making plans for the holidays, which seem to loom ever bigger on the horizon.
Today, just I had made my plans and accepted invitations to become involved with various things, my son calls to see how I am. I am delighted and so happy for not having heard from him for some time, unless it has been a hurried call asking me to do something URGENT for him, which I always see to immediately.
Some time further down the line Christmas crops up and then he tells me what he is planning and why he cannot come home, but I still go on happy that he has rang me and is asking after me, then the call ends and off I go out with a friend. She has a dog and we go walking each day, or as often as I can make it depending on my health and ability that day.
We get to talking about my son's call and various things cross my mind...trouble is, these things don't come to mind when I am talking with him and I am now wondering whether I said the right things and offered the right things in the light of the conversation and the stuff he revealed.
My troulbe is, I do NOT put myself first and as soon as my children call me or ask me for anything or to do anything I just give it or do it without thinking of the knock-on effect to myself.
Now I am pondering and thinking that I should listen to what they say and then simply say "Ok, leave it with me and I will get back to you once I have thought this through."
I feel annoyed with myself that I have not yet learned this approach after all these years. And I feel that the reason for my response in these circumstances is borne out of guilt that I did not manage to do better for them when they were little and their AF was disturbing the family so and leaving us so short of everything including love, and peace and quiet.
The trouble with me is that I STILL FEEL GUILTY that I did not manage to give the children the sort of childhood that I feel that every child truly deserves and I wonder if any of you have fallen into this trap too? If so, how have you got out of it, for it seems one that I fall into all of the time?
Hearbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I have no answers I just wanted to send you a ((((hug)))). Isn't it an instant qualification of motherhood to feel guilty? I just assumed we all feel guilty about one thing or another. But you are aware and deciding to do it differently, that is progress.
I agree with Serendipity that as mothers we all feel guilty for one thing or another.
But to answer your question, yes I feel guilty. Guilty for having let my kids live in an environment that was damaging. For having lost my temper with them when I was mad at my ex AH. For not having left my ex sooner. For not letting them stay with him while he is drinking.
But I also think that the guilt is not really productive. I try to give my kids as stable a home as I can. With all the usual things, chores, responsibilities etc. That is all I can really do. If I spoil them at every turn, I am not doing them any more good than I was before I left.
So I think that as long as you realize that you are overcompensating, and you choose to change that behavior, you are doing all that you can.
it is really tough for me too. First I overcompensated for absent workaholic dad, lack of extended family near by, then for Adad absense when home - passed out. So now I seem to be all used up and my patience is short, get anxious in the chaos and feel bad about that. So yup, if I think about it I feel bad so trying to let it go and change things too.
The catch is that as I change it confuses kids so they act upset or act out in small ways because they can't get me to do what I use to do, feel guilty and give in. So I can feel guilty about the past ways I did things and guilty now about rocking the boat and confusing/upsetting them when I change my mode of operation. Can't win!! BUT hoping with enough recovery and continued change to healthier ways of doing things with kids, (have some both grown and some at home still) it will get better for all of us...... if I can hold on that long. sigh- I will, but just tired right now.
I am making slow progress, not consistant with sticking up for myself and sometimes so pleased that something finally happened, like you did just to get the call from your son, that it is really hard to stick to what I am trying to do. Progress, not perfection is what I cling to these days. Being aware is good and small changes count so let's celebrate the little changes we make and let go of the ones we regret. Hang in there and I guess from the other posts, I have learned maybe it is hardest deaing with our kids..... It's just being a mom and the kids know all the ways to get us in their corner, ya know.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Mine are small still, so not much esh on adult kids except from the kids point of view. They are adults and can handle lifes disappointments. We all came from imperfect families. Mine was divorced and unstable. My AH's was severely alcoholic. My friend down the road was abandoned to her alcoholic father at age 6. We are not television families. At some point we all have to stop blaming our Mom, Dad, Grandma, or second cousins brother-in-law for our problems and get on with fixing what we don't like about ourselves.
I got tired of blaming my life on my folks and moved out of state. My H and I may have the first somewhat healthy and well adjusted family in both of our histories for generations back. But it isn't because we sat around and played the you-owe-me game with our parents.
So maybe it will help them, too, if you tell them you will get back to them and take the time to think about yourself. You will set them a good example of self care if nothing else. And you will be able to avoid all that stressful second guessing.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
...you know...I love saying that so I am going to say it again, ((((family)))) I love you all for your responses, they were so encouraging and made me realise that I am a mum who struggles to change the dreadful cycle of life and reacting in guilt as many a parent does when they think they are failing.
Seremdipity, thank you for your hug I really needed that, and I don't expect anything or even a response when I post. I just know I need to get it all out of my head and talk with others who will understand why I am saying what I am saying.
Pogache. ddub and Jen the things you shared are so ME and you all helped me to realise that I have reacted out of the same situations that others have and that I am not necessarily the BAD mum.
Honesty is the thing that matters here and I own what I have/am done/doing wrong however I am trying to change ME and MY way of doing things so that the cycle will stop.
Jen I am encouraged by your share that you '...may have the first somewhat healthy and well adjusted family in both of our histories for generations back...'. WELL DONE.
THAT IS MY ENDEAVOUR and DREAM.
That it starts with me getting me better so that the change in me can be seen by them so that they, should they chose, might change things to ensure the grandchildren have a better chance than they did of living in a healthy environment.
Your replies have been like a healing balm and have all been so welcome and encouraging and enlightening. Thank you.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
When I finally got honest with myself, I accepted the fact that I did the best I could with what I had, especially when my oldest daughter was little. My youngest daughter wasn't born till 2 years after I was out of rehab, and by then I had left/divorced my alcoholic husband.
I spent years making decisions based on the guilt of what I had NOT done for my oldest those early years, never putting myself first, and ended up enabling my oldest when she became an active addict/alcoholic.
Those decisions haven't been healthy for me or her.
God has forgiven me, and I have finally forgiven myself.
We do the best that we can with what we have at the time.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I just saw this post, TH, and want to respond. I understand, so perfectly well, how you are feeling and how your mind is working on this age-old subject of the guilt as relates to our dealings with our children; even after they are grown and gone.
My childrens' father passed away from brain cancer when they were 11 and 13 years old. Terrible time to lose their dad; but we trudged on, and I became both mother and father to my sons. I felt they had been dealt a bad hand, so I compensated for that by giving them everything they wanted and essentially becomming a slave to their needs and wants. I was lucky. The three of us made it without serious incident of any kind. No problem drinking, no drugs, no trouble with the law. But to this day, if I allow myself to feel it, the guilt comes creeping in.
I made a decision at the time which now I know was wrong. I refused to pay for their college educations. I thought that to do so would keep them from appreciating that education, so it was up to them to work, gather grants, yes, even take out a few loans, and do it for themselves. Know what? They DID! Both are now well-educated and are responsible citizens. Nevertheless, I should have provided for their educations, as it would have been easy for me to do so. It was a principle I believed in at the time. Now I sometimes feel guilty about that.
Point of this...those of us who are loving parents do what we think is best at the time. We may not always be right, but we always love them, and have their best interests in our hearts. That's all any parent can do. Be easy on yourself. Remember to accept what you cannot change.
Best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
