The material presented
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Just wondering how many others have had their A offer to go to Alanon with them? Mine has in the past and it makes me uncomfortable. He went with me to one meeting and after that I wanted to keep on going - but alone. He lied at the meeting, I didn't say anything but we both knew he was not telling the truth when it came to his turn to speak. Why not just skip talking if all you're going to say is filled with lies anyways? I was not comfy with his wanting to tag along and he hasn't pushed me to take him again, thank goodness. It's hard to say what I really feel when he's in the same room at meetings.
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If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck - it's a freakin duck and no amount of wishing in the universe is going to change it into a swan
That would be really hard for me. I am very possessive about going to meetings- for me they are like eating a huge dessert- all mine, zero calories!!! I love my meetings, I go to 3 per week, thank god. I would rather he go to one by himself (he would never do this). He can look at a schedule and take the time to do it if he is curious and interested in them.
No chance my ex AH would have ever offered anything like that. And if he did, I would say no way. I see the meetings as a chance to express yourself without reproach or comments from your A.
In my opinion I see it as a tactic to keep tabs on what you are doing, and what you might be saying about him.
Absolutley not , Iwould never recover with hubby in the room hehe . we need our space too , and if the A is still drinking he is liable to find himself run out of the meeting , ya don't wanna tick off a room full of Al -Anons . My husb and I did attend an open AA and Al-Anon meeting for yrs , but the tone of those meetings is entirley diff than a reg al anon meeting . Al-Anon is for you , AA will take care of him .
I thought his offering to come was more of a way to keep me quiet and to find a reason to mock the group....he knows if he's there I wouldn't completely open up and it only took him a day to start bashing the people who were at the meeting. Telling me fine by him if I want to hang around a bunch of crazy losers! What I love most about being empowered by Alanon is that 5 years ago if he was upset about me going I'd probably have stopped to avoid more conflict. Now even though he says he's ok with me going he gives non-verbal signs that he's not happy about it. After a few months at Alanon I didn't care if he was happy about it or not, I needed that safe place and I was going to go if he was upset or not. It has been my lifeline these past two years. I will continue with Alanon after I get my A out of here because I have some friends who are alcoholics that I am in contact with and the f2f meetings help me to manage my relationships with those friends
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If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck - it's a freakin duck and no amount of wishing in the universe is going to change it into a swan
Good for you , Al-Anon principles have improved every relationship I have today , I am a better Mom , a better sister and daughter today , and today I know how to be good friend . so keep commin back . My husb used to mock my prog too til one day I told him after a heated discussion that if it weren't for Al-Anon he would not have a family to come home to.I know that I could not have stayed in my marriage if I had not found this program . funny he never commented again . :)
My sober AH is very supportive of my participation in Al-Anon and has even descibed me to his AA friends as being a "black belt" Al-Anon. I took it as a compliment.
I invited him to come to my home group meeting a few times. I am thankful, now, that he did not come. That is my safe place and I realize now that I would not be comfortable with him there and I don't know how comfortable he would be at "my" meeting. I think that that goes both ways--he only recently invited me to an AA event after 2+ years in the program. I had about given up hope!!
I have encouraged him to go to any other Al-Anon meeting but "mine." He and his sponsor keep saying they are going to go, but they haven't done so yet.
I really hope that he goes. I have heard from A's that AA is for their relationship with alcohol and Al-Anon is for the A's relationship with everyone else. I think that my AH's exposure to the Al-Anon program (especially the traditions) would only help our relationship.
He would never discourage my participation in Al-Anon, but if he did, it wouldn't work. I am strong enough now that I know what I need to do to be healthy and I don't let anything stand in the way. Besides that, I am not much fun to be around if I miss my meeting!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I am always discouraged from going to AlAnon meetings. Maybe he is afraid I'll learn more than I already know about how to hapilly survive and thrive without him. I can do that. Well.
Have him attend meetings with me? No, no, and NO!! AlAnon is my private therapy. I do not want him there. Likewise I do not attend AA meetings...hmmmm...now that I think about it, neither does he!! LOL!
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 17:34, 2007-12-18
-- Edited by Diva at 19:05, 2007-12-18
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Today I *occasionally* go to the same meetings with my girlfriend. Both AA and Alanon. She is Alanon; I am both. If either of us were totally new in the program, I'd say no way.
When I first went to AA, I went probably 6 months before my wife at the time came to a meeting. I don't remember the circumstance, maybe it was an open meeting where my sponsor was speaking. We didn't do "together" meetings at all normally.
Also with my girlfriend currently - she has active A's in her family, and I recommended Alanon to her for that reason as well as her relationship with me even though I am a sober A. But normally, we go to separate meetings. Maybe once every couple of months she comes with me to an open AA meeting, and about that often, I go with her to Alanon. But I'm still looking for my own Alanon group. Maybe even tonite!
My AH and I have our separate home group meetings of AA and Alanon one night a week. We have been attending these for almost 2 yrs. I have been to his meeting a few times when no Alanons showed up (very small town), but he has never even asked to come to mine. We now go to several other meetings in our small town though. They are open AA or NA meetings. I try to get 2-3 meetings a week. He tries to get 3-5 depending on the work schedule. Thing is, there are only 5 AA, 2 NA, 2 Alanon meetings in our county. So we attend a lot of meetings together, now. BUT, it took me over a year and a half to get to the point of being able to be comfortable at an AA meeting. I would not be comfortable having him at my home group meeting.
We are planning on finding an out of town Alanon meeting to attend regularly this summer together. We both feel the need to get out of this small town bubble. He has expressed to me and others that the concepts that he has learned from me about Alanon have helped him, so would like to attend. I'm ok with it because I know its not a control tactic. Originally it was not his idea, but my suggestion.
Anyway, that's my experience. The thing is, you know your situation best. If your gut is telling you its not a good idea, then don't do it. For most its not, esp early in recovery.
For some of us it works ok. For some it doesn't at all.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
