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I am in a relationship with an alcoholic. He is my dearest friend. He was my High School Sweetheart. Yes, Im 44 years old and found and have been with him for 9 years. He has caused my self and my kids (from another marriage) into total caoss. When we first got together he said that he was an alcoholic but at that time I was so excited to be with him again, i really didn't beleive him. After moving in with him I saw that he did drink alot but it wasn't at that time affecting us. However, after about a year, he started walking around drunk and saying nasty things to me, calling me names ect. He would stay up late at night and play loud music that would affect me and my kids. I would try to tell him to stop but when he was drunk, it never worked. It progressivly got worse to loud arguments. After about 2 years I threatened to leave, then he realized what was going on. He said he would change. I stayed. It was good for awhile but progressivly got worse. I found a way to cope. I Knew his schedule for drinking and when that happened I just stayed in my room, I ignored it. Things were always better in the morning. But there were times he strayed from the schedule and it would affect us all. He was always so angry. He never hurt us physically but with his words. My daughter started hating him. she didn't talk to him and he hated that. He never understood why, and I couldn't tell him it was his drinking because that would start an argument. My son did what i did, just stayed in his room. Last year I really left him and stayed with a friend for about 2 months. In those months he promised (again) he would adjust his drinking and new it was out of control. He never said he would stop but would cut down and not drink around the kids. He fealt I was trying to change him. anyway, I ageed and went back. I loved him and knew he was a good guy deep down. My daughter didn't come back with my son and I . she was 16 and decided to stay with her father. I let her. I fealt extremly guilty as a mom for doing what I was doing. I changed from that point on. I was mad at myself. Things were good for about a year. (or so I thought). he was still drinking but he didn't do it around my son, he hid in the back. We ignored it for a long time and things were ok. My son still stayed in his room though and of course my bf couldn't understand why. Until last October when i came home on his drinking night. He was extremly drunk. i did my usuall. I went to my room. But this time he followed me and started accusing my son of stealing from him and other things. He was yelling really loud and saying very bad things. He told me he wanted my son out! i told him to be quiet he would hear him. He didn't care He wanted my son out and now. So I started packing my stuff and my sons, he started yelling at my son and my son (14) started crying saying what did I do. i told my son to ignor him and gather his things. I left and I am now in my own apartment away from him. I stll talk to him on a daily basis, he just yesterday told me he wanted to go to AA. Im not sure whether to beleive him or not. Guess time will tell. am I stupid to still love him after what he has done to my family. will AA help him realize that? Please let me know what AA will do for him and what I can do to help me and my son. Thanks for listening.
This is known as a family disease for a reason... it effects us all, not just the one drinking. It is always baffling and sometimes devistating... but the one thing in common seems to be its affects on everyone around ...
As to your loving him.... we all love these people... if we didn't, I am not sure the effects would be the same.
You have done a wonderful thing for you and your children by reaching out. Keep posting, read everything you can, and if possible ... find a local alanon meeting for you.
He is either going to go to AA or not.... he will drink or not... but you have choices on what you do ...
Glad you are here.... keep coming back, it works if you work it.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
In answer to your question AA will not do a thing for him unless he does the work required to get sober. It seems he has the normal manipulation tactics of making promises he can't keep. He may even mean the things he says at the time. Now he has learned that if he tells you what you want to hear you will go back to him. My suggestion is first to find an Alanon meeting. In the beginning we tend to blame them (the alcoholic) as to why things are as they are. Why they lie and manipulate. Why they make promises they can't keep. Why they yell at us. The bigger question is why do WE fall for it over and over and accept it? The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Most of us here have fit in to that catagory. One of our slogans is "Let it begin with me". I needed to take the first step and become an Alanon member. I needed to find out why I was willing to take 2nd place to alcohol. My next suggestion to you is to not buy in to the lip service. To protect yourself sit back and "watch" for a few months (at least), do not "listen" to what he is doing/saying. You will find out if he actually wants help or is just saying what he thinks you want to hear since it has worked for him before. They can't keep up a facade for very long before they fall if they aren't serious.
Be good to yourself, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am sad all your dreams were dashed. I too went back to my real love. Was the happiest time of my life until he started using again.
Alanon will teach you many skills to deal with the A. Also you will learn truths about alcoholism.
Some will dash any hope for many. Even if they go to AA, get on a program fit for them to learn to live as normal a life as they can, they will usually relapse.
Most all A's relapse. Just part of the disease. A horribly sad part. For me hon, I don't care if he was on program for ten years, I will not go back to him. The pain has been too horrible.
For me, I know my dear husband is dead. That is the only way I can take it.
We always recommend to go to face to face meetings. Read literature, "Getting Them Sober" is great. By Toby Rice Drews.Come here as much as you want to. We are always here to support you,listen and share.
Also you may look for Ala teen for your kids. I got lots of kid type literature for mine. Your kids are going to watch you. They will look at things as you do.It was vital for my kids to learn as they hated the A, and that hurt them.
There are also meetings in our chat room that are soooo helpful.
Blending a family is very, very difficult. When the children do not belong to your partner, it can be a struggle even with non-active A's. I know friends who don't have any A's in home and it is hard to blend the family. I feel for you going through this. I too felt like a bad mom at times and still wonder if there will be any long term effects to my son's personality/self esteem. (my 11 yr old was not my A's, 18 month old is) I gave my son a chance to express his feelings about what was going on, to me. I wanted to keep the communication open about what was so blatantly going on in our home-instead of pretending like it wasn't happening. My A himself grew up with a verbally, sometimes physically abusive A stepfather. I always wondered if this had any effect on his problems later in life, I know my A held a lot of anger about his stepdad.
Welcome Wen. Sorry you're having to deal with all of this. Like you, I reconciled with my one true love and best friend (from high school) not just once, but twice. The alcoholism will run you over like a freight train if you're not taking care of yourself. As others have posted...he will either go to AA and work a program, or he won't, or like so many - work a program and not work a program alternatively. I've been in (and out) of al-anon since my step-dad got sober 26 years ago. I understand "program" in my head, but it's another whole ball game when it's time to walk the walk. My step-dad indeed got sober 26 years ago, by going through a 30-day treatment program. And believe it or not - it took! He's been sober ever since. Well....that's a mixed blessing. VERY good for him, but it also had me believing that he was "the norm". When I re-connected with my guy 13 years ago, and found that he was existing in the bottom of a bottle, then I just assumed he'd do a stint in rehab and "poof" we'd be on track. No, No, and NO in this case. I couldn't begin to tell you how many times he's been through treatment 15? 20? 25? I have no idea and he probably doesn't either. He's a well educated, incredibly talented, creative, kind, gentle man with a wicked sense of humor. I'm sure I will love him till the day my heart stops - but I can't endure the rollercoaster that is his life. I have a son (from a previous marriage) who was around for "round 2" with this man 10 years ago. He doesn't have a lot of kind things to say about him. When I told my son that we were communicating again and getting close (albeit my A lives in another country right now), my son just frowned. He knows the torment I went through before (and this man was NEVER abusive towards me at all. He just became this passive lump of nothing on the couch when he drank - which was more often than not.)
Anyway - my point is.....you can love someone......but not have to be with them. It took me a long time to realize that. Many, many do stay - and they have their own stories to share. The most important thing of all is to learn everything you can learn about this and keep the focus on what you can change - which is ONLY yourself. Take good care of yourself and keep coming back. You've found the right place.
Thankyou ALL for responding to my story and giving me your views and experiences. im a little depressed now , nowing again i might have been manipulated by my A saying he wants to go to a meeting. Guess i WILL have to sit back and watch. its nice to know I can still love him but maybe the talking everyday needs to stop, that will be hard for me concidering I want to help as much as I can. Again thanks for all the responses.
