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My ah has been sober for about 6 weeks now. It is interesting because I think I am starting to see some difference in his behavior, however, more importantly, I am feeling more detached, though admittedly still a work in progress.
Last night he came over to watch a show with the kids. I had every intention of not participating. I was going to wrap presents instead, but my son was making a big deal of me sitting down with them. Well, while my ah was making popcorn I was filling him in on some of the gifts I bought. Our 3 yr old was whining, wanting to be picked up, by his dad.
Now, being a mom and given the situation, I was just talking through the whining. It wasn't that big of a deal, a common occurence, and he certainly wasn't in distress. But, the key here is that my ah is not used to it nor does he have any coping skills. So, right in the middle of my sentence, he suddenly loses it, goes into martyr mode, picks up our boy and makes some sarcastic remark like, "thanks for the help, blah blah blah... ( I can't tell you the rest cause I wasn't paying attention ) Now my typical reaction typically would be to grab the child and apologize, but instead I just left and went upstairs leaving him holding a 40 lb 3 yr old while trying to butter popcorn.
Now here is the miracle. He came up and apologized! I thanked him for his apology and then I made the mistake of verbally trying to defend my behavior. He stopped me and said that "no", that he got caught up in his frustration and should have just asked me for what he wanted. He should have just said, "can you please help me out and pick him up". Yeah, that would have worked... Wow! Why didn't I have that response?
I ended up watching tv with them, mostly because of my son, but also because I did not want my ah to think that I was holding a grudge and that his apology was fruitless (something he has complained of).
Also, during the evening I mentioned something about his mom, who is an incredibly selfish woman. I was just telling a story, and he actually related himself to her selfishness, saying that is where he got it (yep, cause it's someone else's fault). This is not a big deal, but it nice to see that perhaps he is getting something out of the 10 meetings he goes to every week.
So, it is progress, not perfection, and certainly a process. We just gotta keep plugging along...
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Fascinating story, Loupie. I know that leaving the room/walking away/excusing myself is so key in my interactions with my AH. Lord, if only I had known this in the beginning!! Sarcasm is so not Ok with me any more. I was raised with it and have been an expert user of it but now can see that it is so damaging and it really is completely and totally un neccessary. someone said it is translated into tearing to shreds and it sure is. I have also stopped apologizing for about half of what I used to apologize for. And I am very specific in my apology when I do apologize. I realized that my apologies were completely meaningless to my AH. He did not listen to them or believe me when I apologized anyway so I just stopped.
So much has to do with just stopping, leaving, terminating, detaching. Thank god for the tools of this program. I was in the dark for so long. Hugs, J.
PS: what a blessing that he is attending 10 meetings a week!!! Bravo for him (and you)!!!
I can see you are appreciating even the tiniest miracles. It's wonderful to have some,"good time" with your on his program A. Please give him a hug for me. This disease is so tough. I am so glad he is going to so many meetings.
And your being part of AlAnon will be ever so much a part of you guys recovery!
I remember,in my experience, that they are going thru so much, so many thoughts,so much they feel guilty for, that I learned to keep my words easy.
I learned not to try to talk too much about serious things. Just like any healing person, I feel being careful is important.
) Now my typical reaction typically would be to grab the child and apologize, but instead I just left and went upstairs leaving him holding a 40 lb 3 yr old while trying to butter popcorn.