The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mother asks my sister what she wants for christmas. My sister tells her she want some old dishes that my mom has. My mom does not have a lot of money and does not like to spend much so my sister thought this might be a good "re-gift", etc. My mom says: "OH what a wonderful idea! I never use them anymore, they are taking up space I could use for something else, etc. etc. In fact, I will give them to you now so you can use them before the holiday for entertaining, etc." So, all is good, right? WRONG. She goes home and thinks about it. And thinks about it (stinking thinking) and thinks about it some more. All sorts of weird stuff goes on in her head: my sister is trying to rip her off, my sister wants her dead and gone, my sister is a bad daughter, etc. So, without saying anything, she changes her mind.
Then, my mom announces to her that she has decided to keep the dishes in a very superior, snippy way, she announces it in a public place with other people around. My sister is like: OK, whatever, thats fine (and means it) and continues on with whatever she was talking about. My mom interrupts and tries to rationalize/qualify it. She tries to couch it. Now my sister is wondering- what the hell is going on? she shrugs, makes an excuse to leave and does.
Now she withdraws from my mom. My mom cries and boo-hoos and says no one loves me anymore, etc. She begins to feel guilty about witholding the dishes from my sister. A few weeks later she calls her up and tells her to come and get 'em without any kind of discussion, no apology, no kind words, just come and get 'em. She wants 'em so bad she can just come and get 'em.
Fortunately by now my sister is laughing about what an idiot she was to ask for them to begin with. And in the meantime her husband (my brother in law) went out and bought her a whole lovely set of new ones (same pattern)!!!
I bet you have some similar stories- just goes to prove that there doesn't need to be any alcohol involved to be a alcoholic!!!
What comes to mind is control and manipulation. And it probably is unconscious for the most part. My mother, bless her heart, is a master at it. So indirect. So subtle. But you can feel it.
That's as good an example as I have ever heard. You know what is telling also? You're right on top of your recovery game. Your awareness is very good. Sounds like you stayed out of it....or are you keeping that part for later? LOL
Sounds like the dynamic that is always in play with my AH's family. It is truely a game nobody can win.
One of my Christmas blessings this year is open and honest communication with my AH. No more mind games, as he gets honest and serious with his program. He and I are recognizing when we are starting this behavior and learning to shut it down.
A story like this makes me look back and be truely amazed at how far my family has come.
Thanks Jean.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I have been listening to both ends of it, patiently and laughing with my sister. I love my mom, don't get me wrong but there are a whole bunch of things I will no longer "do" or "go there" with her. It really is all about acceptance and giving only what I feel I honestly can without any kind of strings attached and zero expectations. Here is my question: siince I have gotten so good at this over the years with my mom, why on earth is it so hard to deal with in my husband??!! Geez, that learning curve is totally different but why I wonder...oh well, thanks for your responses. Hugs, J.
Maybe because you don't have to deal with Mom. Its hard to ignore someone who you have an expectation of partnership with, and plus you can't just leave and go home. I have struggled for years with the expectaion of partnership. It's what I thought marriage was all about. I didn't get any semblence of partnership until I gave up believing it would be there.
Its like when I finally gave up, he suddenly realised that I knew I didn't NEED him, so if he wanted to save this relationship, he'd better get his head out of his a$$ and put something into it. I wonder why we have to get to this point. Maybe I had to learn that I didn't need him first.
I dunno,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Yes, Jen, I think you are right. I do not need to live with my mom (thank god)!!
I think you really hit the nail on the head when it comes to expectations of what a partnership is. I have let go of any definition at this point and its been the healthiest thing for me to do although its been really hard also. I have learned in the past 2 years (separated) that I do not NEED him and in fact, I am just fine without him. I simply choose to be with him (or not). He has been really worried about me not desperately needing him, to him that it is some sign of not being loving or "in love". So sad/too bad and not my problem! Technically, I do not NEED anyone at all, I choose the people I spend time with and make commitments to. This is a lot more calm, serene and mature. I am no longer reacting to him.
Yes really got my AH freaked for a bit too. He was in a state of panick and I finally found out why. He figured if I didn't need him, I wouldn't want him. I think it was some sort of a breakthough when I told him that I had no desire to get divorced unless he forced me to, for basicly financial reasons, with his irresponsible behavior. He finally realised that I did care even though I wasn't going to take any of his c**p anymore. I covered my own arse and then left the ball completely in his court.
It really felt good to me when I realised that I didn't have to decide now. I could wait and see. We are in a long term separation too, and it is working famously. I get my alone time and he gets to work on him. We both get to learn how to be responsible, self-sufficient adults and hopefully can eventually come back together as a true, healthy partnership. We are learning how to communicate and have the space we need to make mistakes. And if he doesn't hold up his end, I will be fine.
As you said I only NEED my HP.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
