The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Has anyone else here been willing to do ANYTHING for someone only to be rejected- I mean let him use, give him money and a place to stay, etc.- for him to only consistently reject you and pick other women- some who are okay and some really crazy? I mean can someone sense your powerlessness and insecurity and that's why they run? I know he was once attracted to me, but when I fell hard for him- he has run ever since- granted he always comes back- on his terms. I have come a long way in healing and our relationship has def changed with me gaining some sense of power and confidence, but ultimately I still come back to the question- if only for a while- of why doesn't he want me? Why does he want other people?
You know, in my experience, I became more concerned about my lack of self love. We never really know what another person feels or thinks or what makes them do what they do.
However we can take care of ourselves. Education is a biggie. Realizations of how the media makes a heroin addict look to be IN. If we have a nicely rounded soft body we have no worth and don't deserve to be loved or even have sex.
Eating disorders are rampant in women. Magazines, tv, stores, movies etc. all project women as stick women. Average size of a woman is a fourteen. I bet it is bigger now as girls are ever so much taller than the ones born fifty years ago
We allow people to treat us in a way we believe we deserve. What in the world would make us even want someone who cheats, lies is only nice when they want something?
I would invite you to look more into YOU.
I used to not love me. Then I went back to college in my late fourties. omg what a learning experience.I took lots of women type classes, learned sooo much.
Number one I stopped that stupid negative talk in my pretty head. I would literaly say STOP then put in," I am ok just the way I am." Then I focused on what I liked about me.
Put some positive stuff in your head.
There is NO reason to put yourself down, self abuse. We all know how much it hurts to hear bad things about us. I am not kidding, it took me about a year, I came out loving the me hp gave me, German rounded body and all. I am healthy, pretty for my age, and have nice soft skin, built for comfort.
YOU can learn to love you. I took lots of those classes you get to know yourself too.
I worked HARD to learn to be comfy in my own skin. Hey and anyone is beautiful when they smile. When we learn to carry ourselves with confidense, smile and decide we deserve to love our wonderful unique self, we will not allow anyone to hurt us, or use us.
If anyone is awful to me, I make a face like, what the heck are you taking your crap on me for. It is THEIR problem NOT mine.
I will not take any disrespect. Yes it still can hurt. But it hurts more when we don't stand up for ourself.
Takes work, but sure is worth it. love,debilyn who has her gmas arms and is happy about that.
((((((codependent)))))))))))) Yes - I've been (and still am) very much like you. You give until you absolutely BLEED, and then they leave. I've really done a ton of thinking, soul-searching, and evaluating my situation to get answers to the "whys" of this (I know......this is usually so futile). But I remember a couple of things that my ex Abf told me in moments of weakness. He told me, "I don't like when people like me. I'm not comfortable with that." There's a WORLD of stuff going on in that sentence. I have the "luxury" of having known him since he was a teenager (30 years ago). I saw lots of dynamics going on back then (family of origin stuff, and personal issues that he had to deal with as a child). I've come to truly believe that he IS uncomfortable when people like him - and ultimately he sabotages relationships that are "good".
The other thing he told me was that he didn't have anything to offer me and he had no idea how he could fit into my life. Once I've taken a step back from the situation - I can see where he's coming from with that statement. Let's look at it. He's a man with a VICIOUS alcohol dependency. He has no job, no home, no family who deals with him, no real friends.......just not a lot happening there. I can see where logically he feels "inferior". I don't consider him inferior at all - and that's what's been so hard for me. Since I have known him so long (and before this addiction robbed him of all dignity), I see the human being inside the package. I know who he was - which blinded me to who he is.
I don't think his situation is all that different than other alcoholics who are struggling. This disease robs them of the "good life" in most cases. What isn't taken from them, they walk away from. Many don't feel "entitled" to good things. They figure they've screwed up every relationship in their lives so far........so how could it be that this relationship could possibly be any different?
Yes - I understand co-dependency. I'm there. But once you start putting a true value on who you are and your own happiness (someone's got to do it, right?), then that cloud starts to clear. Yes, I find that I can still love and care about him....but I'm not responsible (nor am I able) to MAKE him happy and fulfill him. That's up to him. And trust me.........he'll keep moving on from person to person, because it sounds like he's incapable of a deep relationship with ANYONE at this time.
It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but today I realize that what the alcoholics in my life did/are doing has everything to do with them, and nothing to do with me.
Today, I am responsible for my own recovery and my own happiness.
I have had to learn to be my own best friend, which is extremely difficult when I've spent the majority of my adult life taking care of others.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Oh, what a blessing this board is. I hope that I am not "dumping" here- someone once said that to me on the Children of Alc Board. I know I am still in the throws of codepency and a lot of other things and I don't want to bring anyone else down. However, it is so nice to be able to express honestly what is going on with me. Please let me know if I should refrain from venting on here as I don't want to offend or bring down anyone else. Also, I want to begin with step one in my recovery. Does anyone have tips on books or things I should do to begin? Thanks so much for listening!
