Invisible - Al-Anon Family Group

Heartbroken · Senior Member

Invisible

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Why not do it all just for you. Putting up the tree for you because you want to. Alone or not this is still your holiday. There is no reason to punish youself. Why not let the spirit take you. We have the choice to join in, life is waiting for you, don't wish it away. You, alone are as worthy of these celebrations as anyone in the world. Enjoy yourself, celebrate yourself!

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey.......... I have felt invisable before too. Sometimes it's even
harder when you are in a crowd as I can really enjoy my time alone.
Sounds like you have more time alone than you want or need though.
Then it is expecially important for me at those times to check how
I am thinking as there is this saying that thoughts become things.
Check out this site as there are several 1 or 2 minute free audio
that I like and makes you think of the possibilities. I am not sure
about it but changing my thoughts really does change how I feel.
http://www.tut.com/ipa.htm
You do matter & you are special!! I am trying to learn how to give myself
self acknowledgement and self recognition. I also try to take good care of myself and think good thoughts when I am feeling so alone. Out of the blue, good things start to happen again.
hugs from ddub

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow I relate to you so much. I feel so sad that your kids don't call. I sure do not understand it either.

I saw my mother almost every Sunday and we yakked on the phone too.
You know, I don't know if you are like this, I am super independant. My kids grew up with a mom who did everything. I was a widow.

I fixed the washer and dryer if they broke, fixed my vehicle, put up fences, made a dollar go on forever. Stood up to bullies for my son, including jerk policemen.

I was a tough mom. Worked full time with the schools tutoring so was home when they were and went to school full time.

I honestly believe my son thinks Oh I know she can do it herself. Or she is ok alone.

My daughter is learning I am NOT ok and she keeps in contact.

I know that feeling of, "now what?" I never planned to grow old alone, no way. I ask my hp to please let me die now. I am done.

I do have a friend or two left who may call if there is a wind storm or something.

Most my friends, sadly have passed on. I will be fifty five in feb.

Makes me sad your grand kids don't send you a thank you note.

Have ya told your kids what ya need? It helped my daughter and I so much.

I think it freaked my son out when I told him I needed a chop saw as I cannot lift my skill saw anymore. He has not been out to help me. I do not understand that at all.

I would eat glass for my dear mother and gma's.

do you have your own interests? Thank you hp I love animals and they love me. Also I do ok with my aloness but miss all my dead loved ones more than i can express.

Do you go to al anon face to face? If you are able maybe you can volunteer in something you enjoy. I wish I could do that. i would love to volunteer at our little thrift shop.....

I know you mourn for your loved ones. Again, maybe you could ask them over and be very clear about what ya need.

there is nothing wrong with that.

I am glad you came here and let us know. You might want to hang out in the chat room That used to help me lots.

much love to you,debilyn

round3 · Senior Member

(((((heartbroken))))))) I understand that feeling too. Have you thought about feeding meals to the homeless on Christmas Day? Most cities have a homeless shelter where they serve Christmas meals. If not, many have meals on wheels programs to deliver meals to shut-ins. I haven't done this myself, but have looked into it - as the holidays are increasingly becoming a miserable time of year. So many expectations. So much commercialism. There is no way that reality can live up to the hype that we see and hear about. Christmas is a very lonely time of year for millions of people. You are not alone. Why not get out and find someone less fortunate? While it would be nice to have your family around you - you can find a new tradition that is yours. As someone posted earlier, "Celebrate yourself!" You sound like someone with a very big heart. The world needs more people like you.

Heartbroken · Senior Member

Thank you all for your responses. I posted much earlier about doing voluntary stuff over Christmas. I have done this most years for the last 17 years.

I will get over this, I just needed to get it out of my system as I usually ignore it, or bury it deep; this year has not been a very easy year and I am not coping the same and ill health has stopped me working and being able to do the voluntary work that keeps me from feeling so low.

If I could I would be out there again this year working in the local homeless shelter. That is not an option this year and it is that that is making me feel so much less able to cope.

Believe me, I can focus on those less fortunate, though it still does NOT make my deep hurt and pain go away I just don't feel it so much when I am concentrating and working with others less fortunate.

It is just one of those days and hopefully I will get over it and find a way to mask my sadness and hurt.

Thank you all. Sorry to be a misery.

Heartbroken

NightWatcher · Veteran Member

((((( Hartbroken )))))

I can relate to the lonely feelings at the holidays...

When I hit my bottom (almost 5 years ago now) and after some therapy of my own, ended up in the rooms of alanon I had lost my family.. A/additct wife, A/Addict some, to other sons and a daughter... It was so rough being alone for the holidays... and even though I now have my youngest son and his wife back in my life.. I still do not normally hear from them on the holidays.. they spend time with my ex and she still is active and playing the game of if you are talking to your dad you must not love me game... and even when she not playing it.. they still feel some guilt about things... but at least when I do hear from them it is great... and they have been able to tell me how they feel.. and that they do see a difference in my.. and for the better.. . and to keep my faith because my other son and daughter will be back in my life some day... my oldest will not be, as he passed away last month to this disease.... and he has two grandchildren I have never met... and I am keeping my faith that some day I will get to be in their lives too...

I guess what I am trying to say is that thanks to this program I can enjoy the holidays a bit better even without them in my life.. and yea it does hurt when I don't hear from them on holidays.. but I realize they also lived with the disease in their lives growing up and do not have a program.. so I need to treat them as sick also, until they find the help they need... so I do my best to detach and let them have their lives.. and have faith that at the right time they will be back in my life again... not on my time.. but HP's time....

I do have to say this year I think will be a little easier in some ways for me.. I have a girl friend this year.. and we are going to spend Christmas Eve and Day with her 9 year old... she is autistic and in many ways acts younger than she is.. but the glow in her eyes when she talks about Santa... I am very greatful for my HP for brining them into my life...

So maybe there is something / someone special that your HP is planning on you to touch in their life... and if you were spending it with your kids you would not be able to do that... I know that when I really want something my HP will make me wait.. at least that is how it fells... till the time is right and I can really appreciate it....

I am learning new things about myself and my relationships with HP and those around me every day.. to me that is part of the program...

good luck and enjoy your Christmas.... and maybe see you in the MIP chatroom on Christmas.. I do my best to pop in and out to saw high to everyone on the holidays.. I know when I was down.. . there was always someone there to say hi and be there for me.. so I try to give back...

Bob

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, that is just what I tell my AH all the time...I am invisible. Must be a common thing among us Alanoners. Wonder if we can walk thru walls?
I know how you feel. I feel like I am living in limbo. I am "with" my AH, when he notices me. I have a daughter who just had a baby Nov. 26, a little girl. Due to family conflict that happened 2 years ago, she and my AH (not her dad) no longer speak. I can see my daughter, and I am living with my AH, but this holiday is especially hard for me, as I want my family together. I want alcoholism to not be here. I want it to go away. I am tired of the pain, the heartache, the family troubles, the sorrow.....etc.
I didn't even put up a tree this year. I am not able to bring my new baby granddaughter to my home, so I felt like what is the point. I get very resentful every year, when I do put it up, as I want my husband to be the "picture perfect" husband, and decorate the tree with me, as we munch on fresh homemade Christmas cookies and drink spiced tea. The reality is, I put it up alone, and take it down alone, while he is drinking beer, not tea, at the neighbor's house. So, to avoid feeling so sad about it, because I usually put it up and take it down with a heavy heart, I just scrapped that idea this year. And it is OK. I don't really miss it. Maybe if I had my granddaughter here, it would be different. No, I KNOW it would be different. Maybe next year.

The ESH I have to give you is to take good care of yourself. Do something YOU enjoy. I didn't put the tree up, because it is a lot of work, and I finally realized it makes me sad and angry to do it alone. But, I am still eating my homemade cookies and drinking my spiced tea. And that makes me feel good. And I plan to try to go to Christmas Eve church services if we get back from out of town visiting the other granddaughter (my step) in time. And I will go alone. And I will probably cry. But that is OK too. I am human, I have a lot of love to give, and it makes me sad that my AH doesn't care.

I have also driven around alone to look at lights, because that makes me happy.

Somehow, I pray you find a little space where you can find happiness and peace. It is there, sometimes we have to look pretty hard to find it, but when we do, it is a treasure.

Blessings to you. You will be in my thoughts.

Love in Recovery,
Becky1

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

See, I hadn't noticed but I found out quick that I am on my own in my marriage to my AH. I am the only one who is going to make me happy. I just bought myself flowers and its nice- I feel special privately and I am taking care of myself. I just completed all my coursework for my grad degrees and now I am in thesis and it is a huge accomplishment and I am celebrating. I gotta take care of myself. Tonight a friend and I are going out to dinner also. I will have a great time with her, she makes me laugh! I am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life who love me and are pleased and happy to celebrate my accomplishments!! Yippeee!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Every single Christmas I spent with the A I had the atittude you spoke of. I took it incredibly personally that he was so out of it. He was totally self absorbed. These days I see his only thought was on Christmas was to get loaded. That was it. He didn't even have a moment for me. Nothing has changed. I spoke to him the other night he was certainly loaded. What changed was me. I learned to detach. What can I do for me. I started to take care of me. I certainly dont' do that well. In fact I'd say I do it pretty badly but my focus went from what he thought of me to what I think of me.

I stopped being obsessed with what he did and put focus on what I did. I think that is an incredibly difficult thing to do. I have to practice day in day out. I deliberaly don't think about the A. I don't even consider what he is feeling about me anymore. I care about me and my recovery first. I cared about me last before.

My Christmas this year will be lonely it will be difficult but it will not be one that is spent obsessing about him.

Maresie.

pogache · Member

maresie, not having to obsess about your A is the best gift you could ever give yourself! It truly is the gift that keeps on giving biggrin

I couldn't believe the weight that was lifted off of me when I moved out. To not have to obsess, and worry over what he was doing, was like a miracle in itself.

I hope that you will not be too lonely on Christmas.......I will be thinking of you.

pogache

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