The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was at a meeting recently where a woman said her sole concern before al-anon was that of the happiness of her husband and now she could care less whether he was happy or not because she knew this was none of her business. That his happiness was his concern, not hers. Although I found this really harsh I also thought that it is not quite true, either although it made me laugh (as it did everyone else in the meeting). Its not that I do not care if he is happy or not, I do care. But I have no control over "making" him happy, ultimately its up to each of us to make ourselves happy- me too! I think there is a difference.
So true. For some reason this made me think of a time my AH told me that he couldn't tell his dad that he was an A (his idea, not mine) because "it would just kill him". I just laughed and said "Excuse me, but I doubt that very much". We had a good laugh over that one. He realized right away how rediculous that sounded, but it was a statement that came right out of his mothers mouth. It was how he was raised to think about his A dad.
Some of these incorrect assumtions are with us since childhood. It takes a program like this to show us the truth.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change (my wife, her behavior, her depression) Courage to change the things I can (me. my attitude. my depression... my happiness is not dependent on others being happy, etc.) And the wisdom to know the difference (repeat, repeat, repeat, go to meetings, go to meetings, go to meetings, make program calls, pick up the phone and call someone, call, call)
That's what worked for me in the beginning! much love
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I am happy to say that I understand the difference now between caring if they are happy and being able to control the happiness. I personally tried for years to make my ah happy only to discover that not only did I fail miserably, but I also became the scape goat for his unhappiness. As I see him living away from me and still miserable, I am starting to forgive myself as I see things for how they really are. The reason my ah is still miserable? He had to take himself with him.
It too find the Serenity Prayer helpful. It really took me a while to fully understand it. At my home group, they say a second verse which is a bit more concrete for me.
grant me patience for the changes that take time an appreciation of all that I have tolerance for those with different struggles and the strength to get up and try again, one day at a time
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 03:21, 2007-12-15
-- Edited by Loupiness at 03:22, 2007-12-15
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
This reminds me of when I walked into my meeting early on and proudly announced I knew how to detached from my Ah. That when he passed out that I just left him there, right where he was and I could go to bed. I didn't even care if his glasses fell off and he did squash them.
A wonderful lady explained to me that it was "detachment with love" that I was supose to going for....and that even though I got the detachment part, I totaly forgot about the love. lol.... kind of burst my bubble for the day but she was right. I hadn't found compassion for my A at that time -- this program reads easy but is hard to work. It takes time.
I spent a long time struggling with this - and still do - but not NEARLY as much. I truly wanted my ex Abf to be happy. At any cost - just wanted him happy. I woke up recently and said, "what about my happiness?" Do I think he's spent 2 seconds worrying and wondering if I'M happy?!?!? HA! I got so wrapped up in his life and his demons and his problems, that I forgot that I've got my own set of things that need my attention. Yes - I do care if he's happy, but not at my expense. That awakening is huge for me.
for me I still pray that my A/addict wife and children find peace in their selves and lives.... and have done that from the time since they left.... but many of those times in the beggining it was to have them back with me... and a lot of the lonely me type things asking my HP to take care of for me... and not really thinking about what was best for then.... but today thanks to my program I can pray for that peace and know it is in what ever form mine and their HP put's it in......
