The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A is so emotionally unbalanced. He's gone from scaring me to making me worry he's going to hurt himself. In the last two months his drinking has progressed to the point of insanity. He's taking days off of work and calling them "mental" days.
He doesn't want to be alone -- tells me I don't understand. If I'd just let him come back home he wouldn't drink as much -- that being alone it's impossible not to drink. I've told him no, and he cries. He's facing demons that I can't help him with. I've given him numbers to call, offered to help him find a treatment facility but no, he's not ready. Only, all would be better if I'd just let him come home.
I keep telling him, I can't help him. He says I should support him (emotionally). I've talked to him about AA -- and he actually asked could I be his sponsor (now isn't that just the perfect opportunity for revenge LOL) -- I told him no.
Over Thanksgiving he got so drunk I asked him not to drive home. Well he remained that way for 3 days -- I think he really did it purposely so that he could stay with us. There are so many promises...so many opportunities that he blows. He wanted to come with us to get our Christmas tree but he had to be "clean" and not hung over to go with us-- it didn't happen.
I said enough....and last night another melt down. He kept telling me how I couldn't understand -- I just told him, no matter what twist he wants to put on it, no matter how he feels tomorrow or in 10 min., that I'll keep saying the same thing. He needs to work on himself, work on getting sober. Stop "trying to work on us." That he couldn't come home until he was sober. He agreed to go to an open AA meeting on Sunday. But also said that if he went to AA he knew that he'd drink right afterwards -- I just told him that he wouldn't be the first to do that.
Guess what.... in less than 24 hrs he scored Panther vs Steeler tickets ..... for Sunday. He's going to take our son, which he's never done before. So my Ah said he'd go with us to church (which he's never done in +20 yrs) leave immediately after for the game, then after the game go to an AA speaker meeting with me. Okay, why did I believe this could actually happen...I mean Church and AA in the same day....LOL I am insane. Now he wants to take our son early for a company tailgate, miss church, but says I can take our son to the evening service. Which of course will make us miss the open AA meeting. No church, no AA for my Ah...how convenient.
Why is it that I still want to believe? Why? I ask myself as I bang my head against the same damn brick wall that's been there forever. If he won't do anything for himself, then I can't talk to him anymore -- why should I feel bad about that? How is it that he gets to leave us, throw our world into chaos then gets to make me feel guilty for doing what's best for me and the kids? Does this ever get easier?
UGH, Luna, I totally understand what you are saying...last weekend all my AH got out before I hung up on him was "I NEED TO BE SUPPORTED", click.
I am so sick of the sidesteps, the games, the this and then that, the little over here and then a little over there, back and forth, etc. you get the idea. I am so sick of the manipulation that passes for interaction/relationship. They will do whatever they have to, say whatever we want to hear, etc. Lie, lie, lie just to get in a little wedge and the another and then they take a mile.
One simple, direct, authentic, brief, real conversation with this man would be like dying and going to heaven. Just one in five years, please god!
The only language they understand is NO, click.
Like animals.
We want to believe because we are good hearted people who expect the best. We are naive. We like to give people the benefit of the doubt. We like to offer second chances. We like to make nice. We like to please others, etc. I am sorry you are going through this. And with children its doubly convoluted and confusing and impossible to describe...ugh, I totally understand. Hugs, J.
It's the disease hon, it's his disease talking. He's bargaining with you big time.
We know that he needs AA and needs an AA sponsor. This is all putting him out of his comfort zone but just recall what you and I and everyone else who wants to get better does, we have to get out of our comfort zone and ask for help from the most unlikely people we'd never expect. Remember A's beg, borrow and steal only doing the minimum to hook us in.
Remember the saying "if you are always doing what you've always done, you will always be getting what you've always gotten."
Honey, stay strong. We are here for you. You have come so far and have done so much good for those kiddos of yours. Keep on keepin' on.
Love ya, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
WE all want to believe because we want things back to "normal". We want our families intact and happy. No darlin it doesn't get any easier per se. We just learn to handle it better. That's why our program is so important to us. You did really well sticking to your guns. I'm proud of you (even if you are a Steelers fan! I'm an Eagles fan! ). Love and blessings to you and your family. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Claus
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Luna - you're SO not alone in feeling the way you do. Alcholism is VERY powerful. It has complete control over your husband - and it's effects are spilling over to you. He is manipulating you. Your ah sounds EXACTLY like my ex Abf (hmmm...lol). He used those same words on me. "I can't be alone." "I wouldn't drink if we were together." (right!). He went as far as to tell me, "If the situation were reversed and you had the disease, I would NEVER leave you. I would always take care of you." That's just the height of manipulation. Even after a TREMENDOUS amount of hell and gut wrenching emotional pain he put me through 10 years ago (after which he left and PROMPLTY moved in with another woman), I took him back last year. Believing once again that things would somehow be different. It didn't take long for me to realize that he was the same old guy. Charming, sweet, funny, and very sick and MANIPULATIVE. Oh how I wish every day that things could have been different. But wishing doesn't make it so. And honestly if it weren't for the people in this program, I would probably still be believing it. Sounds like you've taken the necessary hard line with him on this. I know it's tough (so tough), but you're on the right track. Hang in there.
What a trying time.... It is a mirror image of me and my wife.
It is brutal, because it is not based in reality.... I would like to be able to believe my wife when she tells me things, and it is very decieving... because certain subjects are always the truth. So it is like she is insane, but selectively.... which is o' so confusing at times.
But the subjects of her drinking, her feelings and our relationship.... well those are topics that we just simply can't discuss any more. I can't trust that a thing she says on these topics is worth knowing. I certainly can't base any of my life decissions on them. Just can't.
Even if you don't feel like it right now... you are doing wonderfully! Keep your perspective... and if I can remember this quote ... it has been a good one for me lately ...
" .... don't forget in the darkness what your God has shown you in the light... "
That really speaks to me lately....
Take heart and know we are here with you. *smile*
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Oh yes, they are so good at emotional blackmail. With my AH I started telling him I would not take the responsibility for his problems, period. I sounded like a broken record for months, but it seems to work. When they figure out that you won't pick it up, thay eventually stop throwing it at you. Of course they will still sometimes throw it at your back by just telling everone else who might feel sorry for them about it. My AH and I had a conversation about that just the other night. He felt bad about that because he had seen another friends H doing it and was angry with HIM for it. Go figure. Of course at the time he did not realise what he was doing.
What a crazy disease this is. Keep your chin up. You are doing great.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think Debilyn said in one of her posts that if she were with her husband she would expect nothing. That really is one of the only ways I deal with exa. I expect nothing.
For some of us it takes a huge amount of detachment to get there. Don't beat yourself up. You are on a path. You will get there in time. I never ever never ever never thought I would be at that but I got there.
Yes, it gets easier. For me, not letting him be around us at all makes it much easier. I have made it clear what he has to do to see the kids (have a job, a home, be sober and have a way to come out to where we are) He's back in jail. Those are his choices. I'm sure he'd love to say that he's there because of me but I know better now. All he had to do was get his self together for a minute and in 2 months, no job, no home, and apparently no sobriety as he's back in jail for drug posession. It's up to him not you, he'll try to make it your fault but you don't have to buy in. It took me a long time of backing off and watching what he actually does to quit hitting my head on that same brick wall. Actions not words, that's what helped me.
(even if you are a Steelers fan! I'm an Eagles fan! 
). Love and blessings to you and your family. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
