The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This week I have been looking at how I interact around 2 of my housemates. One of them alternatively is friendly and then dimissive and even at times rude. The other one has completely shut down. There isn't one single day I don't want to stand on my head to interact with either of them. I dont' of course. I do nothing. I say nothing and I observe myself but my instinct is to absolutely bomb them with requests for attention. I find myself being alternativley angry with myself, angry with them, fed up and isolated. These are the kinds of people I have always pursued. I have spent my entire life pursuing those who have no interest in being functional on any level.
I really have to work overtime to keep on the straight and narrow. Every single day I want to get them Christmas gifts, sing them into recovery, anything, say something to get them to notice me. I don't do anything which is new but it is so so hard for me to do.
One of my housemates has litteraly stayed in her room for 2 weeks now. I want to go over and speak to her son. I have already said something ot him when I saw him, he said nothing much. I want to stand on my head and "fix" her. At the same time I'd have to say I am absolutely furious at her because I see this as really attention seeking. She has left me a note saying she does not wish to hurt my feelings but really she is calling all the shots on the relationshp we've had. I rehearse scenarios in my head of what i will say to her. I find it very very very difficult to say nothing and move on. This relationship is very very similar to those I had with my sisters blowing hot and cold, shutting down, manipulating, demanding at times. I know how to do this. I do not simply know how to move on and deal with people who are semi sane. I know how to deal with insance, manipulative, chlldish, betraying, dramafilled, semi obnoxious people. I feel incredibly comfortable around them.
I certainly do not feel comfortable saying this does not meet my needs and going elsehwere that fills me with terror.
I can't think what the secondary gain is for me anymore. I've had years of therapy about my famkly of origin. I know how to do this. I get to express some emotions like anger and sadness but really I just met these people. I invested some in relating to them but not 7 years as I did with the A. I know how to tantrum, be a victim, be puzzled, be left out, be fed up. I just don't know how to go out and get my needs met in an orthodox fashion that's all.
I have a theory on part of that. For me, not for anyone else. In my family of origin there was no talking and no feeling UNLESS you were the alcoholic (my mom), then you could do ALL the talking and have ALL the feelings.
SO, I became a receiver, not capable of any output.
I take in like a sponge. I can tell when someone in the back of the room is having a hard time for some reason when I am lecturing, public speaking, etc. Its like I am practically psychic. But its really just years of training to "read" the alcoholic, monitor their moods, read their body language, etc. I am an expert on this way down in the roots of my bones. I perceive in others what many people do not. I was trained to from the moment I was born.
I have just recently learned that its OK for me to have feelings. Of any kind. I have also just learned that its OK for other to have feelings too. I am now working on this, like using muscles I have never used before. Its incredible. I am 44 years old and I am just now figuring this out.
