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I am new to this but would really like to stress a hard lesson that I have learned on my journey to recover from my addict in my life. Unfortunately she happens to be the only child I have, and it has been a hard long road in coming to the point of Letting Go and Letting God. The bottom line is she has to want to help herself. For starters, I have spent the last two years dealing with school systems, the law, unsafe peers, and finding out just how powerlessness I am over this disease. In addition, myself and all her family have emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially have lost everything because of helping someone that still to this day remains in denial over her disease.
So, needless to say, because of working the 12-Steps and reading all the literature I can, I have finally realized just how powerless I am even though I was able to get her help. Lets just say, she has been in a rehab, a halfway house, and still chooses to not understand or utilize the tools she has gained to know how to tame the beast that is within her. I come to understand that truly the only way that I can save her life, is to save mine, and as hard as it may be. I have to learn to detach with love.
I am now down to the final countdown of having to let go and let my higher power, which is God for me, to take over. I have done all I can do.
The hard part is the pain and the discomfort that goes along with letting go of someone you love because they choose not to stay in sobriety. All I can do is hope that what they have learned will get them where they need to be. I have to stand my ground as far as what I will do, and will not do. Anyway, does anyone have any input that would help me find some peace with this?
I too have a daughter active in addiction. We went through family counseling, individual counseling, she was in-patient twice through her adolescent years. I attended family sessions there, followed all recommended aftercare.
She has been in and out of jail several times now, and unfortunately, there are children involved now.
She did lose custody when she OD'd in front of her kids, but their father has no backbone to stand up to her, and she gets them every weekend.
I took her in after her first 'stay' in jail, set rules/guidelines, and made it clear what I would not tolerate.
It took her less than 30 days to turn everything upside down, I was back into my own insanity of trying to control her, she had sucked her then 15 year old sister into her sickness, and I booted her out and changed the locks.
She will be 30 next month, and still refuses to acknowledge her addiction.
I completely understand the pain of watching a child self-destruct.
After her temporary stay here, I finally and completely gave it to God.
I am also in recovery myself from alcoholism/addiction, and when I took an honest look at everything I had to go through in order to hit a bottom, I realized I had to give her the same opportunity.
What I thought were the worst things possible to happen in my life actually turned out to be blessings in disguise.
God had a plan for me, and I had to go through everything I went through in order to become the person I am today.
I sleep well at night now knowing that God does indeed have a plan for my oldest daughter. What that plan is I have no idea, but I do have faith that God's plan is at work. That brings me great comfort.
I hope this helps in some small way ((((hugs))))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Best thing I can tell you is that what you are doing has worked for me and my alcoholic and alcoholic/addict (son) and other family members.
When you let go (for good) your HP will do what it is that you are unable to do. That worked for me also.
So now you gotta walk it. You won't be alone. The Al-Anon Family Groups are in every country on this planet and the successful ones are doing what you are about to do. Look up the face to face meetings in your area (white pages of your phone book "AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS") and come take your seat. and then....keep coming back.
I can totally relate to what you have gone through. I have a 21 year old son, who has struggled for 3 years. He does admit though he has a problem with drugs and now finally alcohol. As parents, we tried everything to help him......just like everyone. Family counseling, Inpatient treatment, out-patient treatment, Teen Challenge (probably by far the best program, if he'd stayed the year), and then another out-patient stint, this time court ordered. Now back in a 28 day inpatient. We had to ask him to leave awhile back.....we did and do have other kids in the home, so we couldn't have him here. We needed peace in our lives. It's been so hard, but we are trusting God. We know there are several times he should've died, but God protected him. At some point he will embrace recovery and totally surrender to God. I pray it is this time, but...... He says he wants to get better, and I do believe that. It's those demons he continually battles. We know lots of people are praying for him, and that's where we gather our strength, in our faith. I have and do feel your pain. Right now I continue to waver between anger, sadness, frustration, helplessness, or better powerlessness, and anything inbetween. I agree with you that they, the addict, have to want it more than we do. I've told my son many times, if I could do this for you, I would do it in a heart beat, but I can't. Only he and God can do this. I certainly know he can't do it alone......he's tried and failed, and failed and failed....... For now he is safe, and for that I'm thankful. I will be praying for you and your daughter. May God bless.....
I have spent the last two years dealing with school systems, the law, unsafe peers....
"Unsafe peers"... I have this vision of a crumbling dock on the beach... LOL.
Back when my daughter was in that situation, the term I used was "her scummy friends".
I've since learned that when it came to her addiction, she was as much of a leader as she was a follower. I didn't care for the company she kept, but unlike my ex-wife, I didn't really blame them for her addiction - I knew better.
I think often those of us who love an alcoholic will fall into the trap of blaming someone else for the alcoholic's situation. Their scummy friends, their job, the other man/woman, ourselves......... I watched this girl get back on her feet time after time, and then choose to walk away from it yet again.
It's humbling to realize we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. And when they do find recovery, it's humbling all over again - because it had nothing to do with me. I'm a beneficiary of her recovery, but not a benefactor.
Your right.... She is in control of what she does, where she goes, and who she keeps company with, and most of all her happiness. It is all about her choices, and she cannot blame those choices on others or because she can't decide what she wants to do with her life. It is sad to see it crumble in front of your eyes, when and one time there was a shimmer of hope. All I can do is keep praying.
Thank you so much for your reply. My heart goes out to you as well. It is very hard too see your child self-destruct in front of you. It is like learning how to dance. Remembering that the only way you can keep centered and balanced with your partner or child in this case, is to let them lead and find their way. I also try to remember that when I give it all up to my higher power, then I am proving to myself that I can walk in faith. It is hard, it takes the steps and alot of practice too really keep the chaos out of my head. Especially when that is what I have always known.
Thank you so much for your reply. I have been where you are, and my blessings go out to you and your son. I know that when I feel anger, frustration, pain, and I could on and on. I read all the Al-anon literature I can get, plus go to a meeting. Unfortunately, I have backed off on my meetings, and that is why I am here. I just remember to keep going back. It really does help me work on my steps and myself.
