The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am brand new here and need lots of help. I attended my first al-anon meeting last friday. I am kind of confused at they said that I need to get helathy and that there is nothing I can do about my alcholic husband. I have 2 young children 4 and 2 years old. My husband lost his job 2 weeks ago and I know that he is also depressed. He has done NOTHING at home since he has been home. The kids still go to daycare and he is home watching soap operas and drinking. The house is a pig sty, The bills are not getting paid and we are more than likely going to be foreclosed on in about February. He refuses to talk to me and I am going to have a heart attack ( i am so nervous). I called a frined and she said that she thinks that I need to do something drastic like Leave him and take the kids. I am so tempted to do that and not come home tomorrow after work. I am sick and tired of living like this and I don't want my kids to be around it either. WHen I called my friend I have never talked to her aobut this in the past and she tells me that All our friends know that he is an alcholic. That is so embarrssing for me. I am so sorry that I have to come here and pour my heart out to you all but right now I am about to burst I am so scared, nervous, mad. I am sure you all know hoe I feel. Please help me. Point me in the right direction. I feel that in order to get ME better I need to leave and have him realize that not only need AA help but he needs to be seen for depression.
I'm new here too, so I might not be the most experienced person to give you advice, but you need to do something for you and your kids. Find a way to make it without him even if it means having to give some things up. One thing I've learned is that it really doesn't matter what you do to try to help alcoholics. The decision to change has to be his own. Taking care of you and your kids is the best and only thing you can do whether you choose to remain with him or not.
If you choose not to remain with him, plan your departure now before you get further into debt making it more difficult for you to make a break.
Welcome to MIP. You're in the right place. We try not to give advice at AlAnon, but offer our ESH (experience, strength and hope). You are in the right place for support and help shifting your focus to YOU. We've pretty much all been in similar situations in the past.
I personally have three children - 8-1/2, almost 7 and almost 5. Their father, my husband, is an alcoholic and, like many addicts, suffers from depressoin and anxiety. I took the kids and left him last fall.
Keep coming back and posting here, and reading others' stories. Realizing that other people understood and had been through similar experiences was a life saver for me last year.
I feel the heaviness of guilt in your words. Hon he is sick. Being an addict is a real illness. Would you be embarrassed if he lost work from having fibromyalgia?
Even if he got fired on purpose it is NO reflection on you. Do you have any control over him?
If they are your friends, they are NOT judging you or him, just saying what they believe to be true. Yes it is true, our first goal is to look at our elves and decide what we can do to get ourselves back on our feet again.
If I chose to stay with my using A, I would live my life and not expect a thing from him. He is very ill. I would decide how I want to live my life.
I would work, clean my own home, pay the bills etc. All he would be is a loved one I care about. My life would go on.
I sure do relate to not wanting the kids to see this. I got a restraining order on my A and we did not see him for ten years.
It has to be your decision to leave or stay. To leave without a plan is really difficult. You may want to learn more about the disease before you make any decisions.
"Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews is a good one.Al Anon has "one day at a time" and "the courage to change" that I read every day.
I would always recommend getting a good solid foundation under a person before making decisions.
There is so much for you to learn about Addiction if you choose to. The Al Anon tools will make your life soooo much better whether there is an A in your life or not. the tools are invaluable.
As Debilynn has said, we don't offer advice, but I would like to share a little with you about my own situation.
My AH has been an active drinker for most of our 34 years of marriage. I have a daughter still living at home she is 20 yrs old. I myself am the daughter of an alcoholic. So I have been living with this disease most of my life.
Before I became involved with Al-Anon, I felt much the same as you do now. During our married life there have been several periods of time where my husband did not work, and at the present time he is retired and I continue to work.
I come home each day and see that my husband has done nothing around the house. He spends most of his day watching television or sleeping, he does not drink every day, but is drunk at least 2 or 3 times a week.
About 3 months ago I came to the place where I just couldn't deal with it any longer, and thats when I found this board. I came to understand that alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer or diabetes. Its symptoms can be depression, low self esteem and other mental disorders. I began to do the steps, and I found that as I began to change, so did my husband. I learned the 3 C's I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I began to practice detachment, and I read "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.
Before Al-Anon, our lives were a constant chaos and turmoil. The more I change as a result of my program, the more at peace I am with myself. My friends and family have noticed the change in my outlook, and most have remarked at how well I seem to be doing.
I know that if it were not for Al-Anon, I would probably have had a nervous breakdown by now.
Whether you decide to stay or go is a decision only you can make, but THIS PROGRAM WORKS IF YOU WORK IT!
I will pray for you and your family. Keep coming back, we are all here for you.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Welcome to MIP and I am glad you found this site. There is much more to do of course and since you didn't get where you are at over night the solutions won't come over night either. Suggestions!! We make suggestions that have been given to us and when we worked them they worked for us. We do not give advice in the Worldwide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups for many reasons that you would better find out in face to face meetings. Still we don't and should not ever give advice 'specially about marriage, divorce or the like. Best we do is share our Experience, Strength and Hope...the stuff that really worked for us.
This is a real disease you are dealing with. It is not a moral issue or an issue about stuff that happened to us in the past as children. This is an American Medical Association registered primary disease. Dealing with it without help and proper tools can drive professionals crazy and how much more defenseless, unaware family members. If you are feeling crazy...that's normal so don't take it personal...you are one of millions. If you are feeling powerless then that feeling can drive you into the groups. Face to face family group meetings (some have baby sitting) can and will save your sanity and even your life if you are willing and openminded enought to go, sit, listend with an open mind and take suggestions. Most of the sane, healthy members in my area including myself have found help exactly that way. This program works if you work it.
Being brand new is great and best. You will get help right from the start.
Give it a try and keep coming back for more. I will remember you and your sick alcoholic in my evening prayers and meditation. That works best of all.
Hey There! I learned alot from alanon in the past year. The most useful thing for me was the "Plan B" which is what you do when things really aren't working. I always felt like doing the drastic thing- grabbing the kids and taking a cab to a plane to my mother's house and starting life over. Then I would crash when I thought it out and new it wouldn't work. The feeling of helplessness was overwhelming. "What can I do?" I would sob in a dark room somewhere. Hmmm... I haven't done that for a while. I started working on plan B. It's not easy and it involves alot of baby steps, but the security I feel is very empowering. It's like working at a crappy job, knowing that you only have a week left until you leave for the better one (speaking from recent personal experience). The little things don't get you down so much. Best of luck in your recovery!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Welcome. I am still learning about this disease, learning here and reading books, but I wish I knew even some of what I have read here a long time ago. I wish I could have learned about the disease, then decided if I wanted to stay or go. I was looking at apartments online planning to leave while my A was out drinking. I had no idea he crashed his car drunk and passed away, just thought he was staying out on purpose to drink. A lot of info I have now I feel could have been helpful to both of us -though I would have had no control whether he chose to do anything with the information. With more knowledge about the disease itself and the options in responding to him, I feel in some situations I may have perceived some things differently, reacted to him differently and let him affect me differently.
That being said, I too have children. He scared the baby one evening yelling, my stomach in knots constantly wondering if he'd come home for dinner,be drunk, worrying about his health/our family. I was already uncertain if I could live like that and worried about the harm I would be doing to my kids. I thought about leaving too, but felt I loved him so much and was also afraid to be alone so knew it would be hard if impossible for me to leave him. I wrote in a notebook, "my children will not grow up in an alcoholic home" to try to stay focused on what was most important to me. Biggest fear was innocent children being emotionally damaged in some way. Stay/leave-I never got choose on that decision, but I would have liked to have had the opportunity and have knowledge about the A's disease-because I did love him. This board has provided support, during a time of pain and questioning, and perspective that people who don't deal with A's have not understood. Welcome again.
Hugs and welcome. You are in the right place. We will support you whatever decision you make. Please do not allow yourself to be pressured in any way by well meaning friends if you are not ready. When I first came to this board someone told me that my decision at the time could be I am not making one yet as I am not ready. Unless you are in physical danger you can take your time to work out what is the best outcome for you and your children. Al anon meetings and posting on this board will help you to gain the strength to get yourself well enough emotionally to move forward. Luv Leo xx
I can only give you my ESH. When I am in the mode of wanting to disappear off the face of the earth I am in trouble. Nothing I ever did affected the A and his using. I begged, begged, begged, screamed, manipulated, had nervous breakdowns, got sick, got peniless. Nothing but nothing I did ever affected his using. I thought it did I was mistaken.
I've been here 2 years plus now coming up on my 3rd year. I did leave the A eventually. I can't say it was easy. I didn't do well with those conversations of people saying I had to leave him. I did far far better with those of letting me spill out all my emotions. I had plenty of them. I am now broke, my credit is ruined. I have barely made it through the year. I have had had many many moments of not knowing how I will cope. I did cope though and this room has been the one place I could always come to.
When people here made suggestions I started doing some. Eventually that led me to leave the A. I had to find my own path to leaving. No one can actually tell you to do xyz its up to you. I know for sure it doesn't all happen in a day. My credit will be ruined for 7 years and more. I often felt absolutely totally overwhelmed I still do. This room helped me to deal with all of that. I don't regret leaving the A but I can assure you it was not easy, it was not made rashly and it was really really hard.
My story is a little different than some of the others who have responded so far. I have been in Alanon for 19 months and My A and I though separated for the moment have no intention of getting divorced. He has been in AA for this time as well and though he has not been sober for most of that(he has 108 days today), there have been many improvements in my life through working this program. I have learned how to trust myself. I have learned how to know when to make a decision and when to wait and see what happens. I have learned how to leave his recovery or lack of one to him.
You do not have to make a decision right now. Generally in fact the program liturature recomends you do nothing for about 6 months while you gain some knowledge of this disease and some tools for coping with it. I would recomend you find the pamphlet on "understanding ourselves and alcoholism" and Detachment. Then keep coming here and keep going to face to face meetings. Give yourself permission to wait.
Welcome!
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
This is my first post here. I am also just beginning to deal with the fact that my husband is an A. We have only been married for 2 months, and together for 3 years, and this is incredibly painful. I feel stupid, ashamed, awkard, and mostly angry all the time.
Recently we have had huge fights about the fact that I want us to go to therapy. He doesnt want to. He doesnt want to face anyone that might tell him he's an A. He claims to "know" that he has a drinking problem, but refuses to seek any outside help. He promised me that he would try to deal with it on his own for a month, and if that doesnt work, he'll go to therapy. That was last weekend, and last night he brought home booze and drank and then passed out on the couch.
I feel so tired of worrying about our bills, our obligations and our relationship. I was reading up on Al Anon last night, and was so grateful to read the words "let go and let god". Even though I don't believe in god (per say), I took great comfort in the idea of letting go and leaving it up to the powers that be (and up to my husband).
I guess I just don't know what to do from here? I plan on going to an Al Anon meeting tomorrow, and getting more information. Do I tell him that I am going? How do you tell someone that isn't even ready to call themselves an A? I have threatened leaving a few times, and I know that doesn't work, but I have been thinking about moving into our extra bedroom, just to get some relief and alone time, b/c sleeping next to him when he is passed out just makes me feel like I am enabling him. Does that make sense?
Any thoughts would be much appreciated. I can already tell that this is an amazingly supportive and loving group- so thank you!
Hi Sara, I am really glad that you are going to a face to face (F2F) meeting and I am glad that you are posting here. Keep going to F2F and keep posting/reading here, you are not alone and both are supportive places for us, people who love people who happen to be alcoholics. I do not for the life of me know how or why it works but it sure has for me. It does not work for everyone but when you are desperate and will try anything, this is where I ended up.
You do not need to tell him you are going to a meeting, in fact, I did not tell mine. Its a meeting for me, like research at the library! I just say I am going to a meeting. Some people say they are going shopping or meeting a friend for coffee or whatever. it is our recovery, in a way, its none of their business. But the choice is yours.
You do not need to believe in god. You do not need to believe or not believe in anything at all. You just come as you are. Good to hear from you. Hugs, J.
