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Sorry, this turned into a very long post. Guess I had a lot to say lol.
After my divorce, a very good friend of mine asked me up to her father's house on Lake Lanier. They were having a family reunion and it would be a good opportunity for some R&R finally. I accepted and we went for a few days.
Her cousin, single, my age, was there. He started pursuing me after the first day. I wasn't interested, but it was flattering to be paid some nice attention for a change. I learned from his family that he is a really great guy. He's made some mistakes in his past, but he's changed, etc. Long story short, he grew on me, and we kept in touch after the vacation. He eventually came down for a visit.
I ran two background checks from two separate companies on him before I let him come visit. I have a child to think about, and even though he's family to a friend, I felt I couldn't be safe enough for my daughter's sake. Everything checks out and the drug charge he had 15 years prior (that I knew about) was all that showed up. I didn't hold that against him. He was 21. I was stupid at 21. I think most of us were at one time or another.
Everything was going well, and we began an intimate relationship. He lived in another state but would come visit often. He was supposed to be infertile, and it took me five years to conceive my daughter, but we used protection anyway...except once in the heat of the moment. That was all it took. I was pregnant. I find out much later that he was doing a lot of drugs when he was tested which "could" have temporarily lowered his count.
Our relationship continued and I found out that he had lost his license due to DWI back around the same time as the drug charge. This didn't show up in the background checks. He got caught driving with a suspended license just some months before I met him. His trial was during our relationship and he was placed on probation for three years. I still don't know if I know the whole story about that because I didn't know anything about it until it was all over. Again, because this was a pending trial, it didn't show up in his background check.
At this point I'm feeling a little stuck and confused. I do think a lot of him, he treated me and my daughter very well, and we're going to have a child together, but he's making some pretty bad choices. I began to question things.
He moved in when our child was born. He stayed home with our child until he was eligible for his license to be reinstated. I controlled the money so for the most part, he didn't have the opportunity to drink much. There were a couple of occasions where he got stinking drunk and beligerent, so I had his uncle come pick him up and keep him for a few days.
Two weeks ago, I got him a job. I put down money on a car for him to drive to work and back. I have two vehicles, but I didn't feel good about him being tied to me with his DWI. I wanted the vehicle in his name with his insurance.
The day I got him that car, his personality totally changed. He got drunk for several days on end. He missed two days of work in the first six days and I still don't know why or where he was. He starting taking money from my purse. He started staying out until 2:00 am drunk and I suspect on drugs when he came home. Driving while so intoxicated he could barely stand to get out of the car. When he did come home from work sober, he was angry, agitated. I had only seen him agitated when he'd had too much to drink. I became very concerned he was using drugs again.
I called his probation officer to let her know. She explains that it's going to be hard to catch him on a urinalysis but I need to let her know when he's under the influence so he can be called in for a random test. She explains that even then, if it's positive, she can't do anything about it since she's monitoring him for another state. She has to turn the file over to the other state and they have to determine what they will do with him. The only other option I have is to revoke his living privileges at my home in which case they would immediately revoke his status in my state and arrange for transfer back to his home state.
He came home from work a couple of days ago being a total jerk, and I packed everything he owned in his car and told him to leave. I fired him from his job and made him leave my house with an 1/8th of a tank of gas without any money. He'd had money, but he spent it all on something other than gas, and I knew if I gave him any he would just be running the roads drunk again.
I haven't heard from him in two days. He did call that night, and I told him I had nothing to say and hung up. The two other times he had to stay at his uncle's, he called me non-stop the whole time. I feel terrible. I am worried about him. No money, no gas, no shelter. He's my son's father. I don't want to talk to him, but I want to know that he's okay. I know I did the right thing by me and my family. He was becoming dangerous. I still care about him and hope that he's okay. I am worried that something has happened to him, or worse, someone else at his hands.
I feel guilty. He's responsible for his own decisions I know, but I put him in that car. I gave him the vehicle to do damage with. I helped him get to a point where he fell back into his old lifestyle, when I thought I was doing the exact opposite. If I had left him where he was, things might be different for him.
I'm afraid if he is back on drugs and getting desperate, will he come back here? I know he isn't afraid of the law, and doesn't have anything to lose. I have so many thoughts, but this post is sooo long, I'll shut it down for now.
(((((((((Texas)))))))))) You're in the right place. Welcome. I so admire your strength and your ability to hold the line with him. In Al-Anon, we learn the three C's when dealing with an alcoholic: We didn't cause it - we can't control it - we can't cure it. The best we can do is take care of ourselves. You've got children to consider - you absolutely made the right decision. Several years ago, my (then) A bf was living in an apartment that my family had rented to him. He began drinking, not working, etc. etc. - I KNEW that he wouldn't be able to afford the rent the next month. Because I dealt with this before, I decided he needed to go - before rent became due and ultimately the situation would involve my family. I struggled and struggled with the decision to evict him - KNOWING that he had NO money, NO job, NO friends, and NO family here in town to lean on. I was terrified for him. I called his brother in another state just to inform his family that he would soon be homeless. I'll never forget the words his brother said to me. He said, "You don't need to worry about him. He will ALWAYS get what he needs. He will not be alone. He will not be homeless. He will get what he needs." Well - sure enough he did. He was (is) the MASTER manipulator and user. Some of his life he's lived in a recovery mission, some of his life he's lived with enabling women, some of his life he's lived in rehab, some of his life he's lived with his AA sponsors, some of his life he's lived in halfway houses. But he's ALWAYS had a roof over his head. They always take care of getting their needs met. I understand worry. I understand loving an alcoholic. I understand finding it hard to let go. You're light years ahead of me when it comes to setting boundaries - and I really admire that. You're able to begin breaking a cycle of enabling that you've seen in your own family. Good for you. Take a breath and realize that you're on the right track. Keep the focus on yourself and taking care of your family. Come here anytime. We're all here for you.
I love what round 3 said. This is so true, they always find a way to take care of themselves when it comes down to it even if it means they end up in jail, that's still 3 hots and a cot which is more than they usually leave us with. I remember when I first moved out over a year ago I was so sure I couldn't make it on my own. You already know you can because you have been on your own. I also remember feeling so guilty that I was making him homeless, that he had no money, etc. etc. But you know what? I am not the one who made him homeless. I moved out, he had a job and a house granted no lights or water on at the time but still a roof. He decided to take off on a cross country road trip and come back a month later. He has had opportunity after opportunity to get it right and always ends up drunk/high and in jail. It took me a while to realize that no matter what I did the end result for him is always the same. He is the only one who can get himself straight and I admire the fact that you made a decision hard as it is and stuck with it. I have a son with my A too and I don't let him see him at this point. I require that he has a home a job and sobriety and all three of those haven't happened at the same time yet. Just keep doing that next right thing even though sometimes you feel guilty, it's not your guilt to bear, he put himself there.
It is always sad to hear of yet another relationship, and especially a family one, being torn apart by this awful disease.
Don't feel bad hon. We all do our best to "help" our loved one A. Then as we grow in Al Anon we realize to help them means to leave them alone on their own path.
If he has said threatening things to you, to make you feel you and yours are in danger, I invite you to look into getting a restraining order. Trust your intuition, I believe it is always right.
You did your best to check him out. Please stop being hard on you. You come off as a very intelligent woman, who sadly got in the way of the A's disease and it started pulling you down.
We all go thru the wondering how they are, where they are....what we learn in al anon is to put the A in hp's hands. We cannot do anything anyway so we must have faith that he is to be on this path, that he will be ok.
If he does have something happen, then we deal one day at a time, as we do always, we grieve, we take care of our family. The A must be left to deal with his/her disease alone.
I am so glad you kept his car, money, shelter separate. sooo glad. this is what i tell anyone first off when they are seeing an A and thinking marriage or whatever.
Then the disease cannot make you homeless,foodless, carless, and lots of other less's!!
I been there hon and LOTS of us have and ARE. I still am driving a thirty year old pickup, window won't roll up, eats gas big time, I use it on the farm so where ever I go I have alfalfa hay on me,and mud. i am not kidding tex, I go to the doc and I get up from the table and quickly brush the hay off! lol
I live in a tiny bunkhouse on the end of my barn and rent my main house and my little rental out that is on my property.
My sitting area and laundry bath are still not insulated. sigh...
Believe me the disease can take it all.
As far as your sweet baby together, I would never admit to him it is his. Usually A's don't have enough gumption to follow thru with anything such as custody issues, visitation, paternity etc. I would protect the child at ALL costs. This is MY feeling if it were ME> I am not telling you to do it.
You can find face to face meetings where you live. There are also meetings here and a chat room.
"Getting Them Sober." by Toby Rice Drews is a godsend book I love. I always recommend it.You will get almost all your questions answered there. And a ONe DAy AT a time alanon book, and courage to change. Both invaluable...
Major hugs and I hope you come here often. love,debilyn
Thank you all for your kind words and support. I checked into a protective order, but he has never harmed me, or threatened to. I just feel threatened because his behavior has become so erradic. Luckily, I live in a fairly small town with a good police department should I need them.
He knows our son is his. We already did a paternity test when he was born, at my urging. I didn't want him to ever doubt he was his son. He will never act on it anyway because there is no court anywhere around here that would even consider him a candidate for custody.
Good news: I went to the car lot where we bought the car today. It's a mom and pop shop nearby and I wanted to be fair to them and let them know what was going on. His first payment is due in about a week. I told them that I would be willing to take over the notes on the car if he misses his payment (I put down $3000 and I don't want to see it just go up in smoke if I can avoid it). They knew I put the money down on the car, so they issued a repossession order today and will turn it over to me if they recover it. They hadn't transferred the title yet. I didn't ask how that was legal since he hasn't violated any term of his contract yet. I figured that was a question better left unasked. Since the title is still in their names, they will be notified if the car is abandoned or impounded, which means that I will then know.
Bad news: His car insurance policy is month to month and tomorrow is the payment deadline for the insurance to renew in another week.
He will never act on it anyway because there is no court anywhere around here that would even consider him a candidate for custody.