The material presented
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This has been an ongoing issue for me. I honestly don't feel like I isolate myself, I just feel that people aren't friendly here. Also, that I'm too needy and don't have time for other people because of my hectic schedule.
Now this is partially true but here's my issue.
I have been in North Carolina for over 2 years now and have one person I really consider to be a friend. That seems pitiful to me. I am working 2 jobs and have 3 kids but I DO have time for other people too. Last night I went to dinner with my 1 friend and almost all our kids and we are supposed to go out on Sunday as well.
My dilemma: I have to work all day Saturday and my oldest daughter also has to go on a field trip all day the same day. So I'm lost as to what to do with my two younger kids. I have called various people who could possibly help out but again I find myself frustrated and isolated with no one to depend on. I have NO family here. Part of the problem I have with this too is that my kids don't really have any friends either, that would alleviate some of the problem because they could go to friend's houses but alas, my son has one neighbor friend and the middle child has one or two but they are all busy because of holidays.
I guess my issue is that I really feel that I just don't know how to make friends anymore. I don't know how to get to that next step beyond being an aquaintance and evolve the relationship to a friendship. I have several people I would love to have as friends but can't figure out how to take it to that level. I know I wasn't always this way, I used to have friends a long long long long time ago. Apparently so long I can't remember how I did it anymore. I feel like a social retard. I feel like there is some way I'm supposed to be behaving (not just being myself) and I never know how to act. I would love some advice on this subject.
Oh (((CG)))) I wish you could drop them off in NY for the day. I feel the same way. Although I have lived in this area all my life I have lost so many friends recently and family. I am down to one friend I can depend on. I have another friend also who has come thru for me and I really like her. She is from the program so she gets why I don't answer my phone, she understands my social retardness. She calls me anyway. She leaves me funny voicemails. And the longer she sticks around the more trust I am beginning to have in her. Because I know her from the program we already know that we are not by any strecth of the imagination perfect. That created an intimacy immediatly. When I am trying to be friends with the parents of the kids friends, I feel so inadaquet. Program people get it. I guess, for me, it is just taking time. I have some big trust issues. I have heard that it takes women at least 7 years to become close. We have to go thru at least 3 crisies on both sides before we will call another woman "best friend". So, you only have 5 more years to go! LOL! J/K but I do see that it may take us, as women, longer to develop close relationships with other women but once we do it is forever. I know it's not the same, but you have us!
First and formost... in my opinion, you are most certainly not a social retard!
I know that feeling, and have been stuck in that "I need some help and can't find anyone" mode too.
For me... it was that I was not including people in my life. I never invited them to do anything... never asked anyone for help in exchange for pizza... just walled myself off.
I found that in my case advertising was key... I started letting people know that I was going to be doing something fun next weekend. And asked if they wanted to join in... and after a while they did... and now they know I like that kind of stuff and ask me when they plan on it... It's a snowball effect.
I do know I hated that feeling... but hang in there it will get better... If you were closer to texas I would watch those kids for you... *smile* (I like corrupting my friends children... he he)
Take care of you!
Oh... PS ... hows the smoking thing going?
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Weren't you going to school too for a while. Don't beat yourself up. I dont' think it is pitiful either. Look at how much you have accomplished this year.
I don't know that I had friends before hostages maybe. I would obsess about the A for ever and then some. I had one friend in the house I live in. She obsessed and got really super inovlved with others. Her solution to deaing with that is to totally shut down. Now she speaks to one person. I can understand that. At the same time I invested some in that relationship.
I have had to surrender on the friends thing. I will probably be lonely this Christmas. There will be time when I don't have enough people. There will be people who let me down like my housemate.
Boundaries are super hard for me. I'm ms overinvolvement.
I know something good for me I will not be trying to please the A this Christmas. I am giving myself 2 years to make this transition. 2 years seems about rigth especially with the debt I have. 2 years to start over.
I think part of the difficulty in making new friends has to do with aging, too. As we age, we get pickier about who we hang with and what we do. We learn what we do not want. We get honed. For example, I am just not the type to hang with gals who love to shop at the mall all day. There is no way I can connect with that. I can do it maybe once or twice a year tops but there are lots of women who are defined by this which is just fine but I am not going to be interested or able to participate in that kind of scene. Recently I was with a bunch of gals (as part of an al-anon assembly) on a neighbor island. I had not been to this island in 15 years. Lots of them wanted to go to the mall (which has the exact same stores that we have on our island). I said no way and went with the tiny group who rented a car and drove around to just see the sights and not really shop at all. We had lunch in a cool little locally owned restaurant and slowly drove back. As we age we fall into patterns, etc. I have lived here for 3 years and only have one real friend I can count on. I do not think that is that unusual. It takes a lot of effort to cultivate and make friends and keep them.
My girlfriend (now living 4500 mi. away) talked about this same issue recently. We both have no close friends where we now live, only acquaintances. We feel "isolated and lonely" as you said, yet aren't super pro-active in making it happen or asking other women to get together socially. We talked about the dread of uncomfortable silences or awkward meetings, maybe that prevents us from pursuing more social interaction. She got her child together with another woman's child and they hung out, talked etc while the kids played. She said it was awkward at times. We were pondering on whether the key is that you have to get through so many awkward "get togethers" to cross over into a more real and comfortable friendship-no masks, walls, just the real you. I think a lot of women must be going through this. Wish I had advice, but I am in same boat as is my friend. We became friends from working together for several years, sitting next to one another 8 hrs a day, every day! So yes, what is the method for sort of speeding up a new friendship! I think I would feel better at times if I had women here that truly knew me. It does seem harder than it should be.
I know I have always been picky about my friends, even since adolecence. I need and want friends who are honest and challenge my thinking. There just don't seem to be that many out there. Or maybe thats all just an excuse for not trying harder, since I'm also not very trusting. My mother was the same way, and is also codependent from and early age. I'm thinking this has something to do with it.
I wish someone would really challenge my thinking on this, so I could get better at it.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I also feel that it gets harder to make friends as we get older. I have lived in the same city my entire 45 years of life. I have a handful of friends here. SO MANY of my friends have moved away in my life. I've gotten new friends through work. I also picked up a couple of friends along the way who were my child's friends' parents when he was young. I'm down to a couple of very, very close friends who are a long distance call away. One BEST friend who is in town, a very good friend here in town, and about 3 other friends that I'm comfortable enough to call if I need. Considering I've lived here 45 years, that's not a lot. It is hard to break that ice with new people. I'm not a shopper at all, nor am I into sitting around talking about "who's who" in town, so that leaves me out of a few circles. I've broken the ice with a couple of neighbors by suggesting that they come over for a cup of coffee or something. I also used to host neighborhood get-togethers at Christmas. Those are real ice breakers (for the entire neighborhood!) They are always fun, and a great (and legitimate) way to break the ice with neighbors. Another great way to meet people is through volunteer work. Find something that you have a passion for or makes you feel good, and work alongside others who have a similar passion. Those things have helped me establish a larger circle of acquaintences.
LOL, I think part of the problem is I don't have time for doing the work required to meet people. I go to work and come home to take care of kids or I go to work and go to work again or I have the day off, sleep in, do what I want to do and go to work. That is only one day in a blue moon tho. Usually it's work work work and then take care of kids or hang out with them. I want to expand my circle but it's hard to find people my age, or who have the ability to get out at the same times I do.
I know the work issue is right up there for me. At the same time I think I am afraid to make new friends. I am incredibly comfortable with dysfucntion. I go out there and meet people and I have a more discerning ear now. I write them off if they are overtly dysfucntional. Nevertheless there are lots of people I meet who at first appear ok and then turn out to be dysunctional on many levels. Some of my housemates being some of them.
I think sometimes I don't go out and look for support/companionship because it is such an effort.
