The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this site and I am still trying to find my place. I am just interested to see if anyone has ever used with their A? I have a 13yr addiction/obsession with the father of my child. This started when I was 18 years old. He went from alcohol to drugs to now IV drugs. I am also the child of both an alcoholic and drug addict. However, I have on many levels succeeded- at least in the professional sense that I finished my Master's, have a good job, got a house for my child,etc. I don't go out often, but when my A is around I will often drink to excess and use with him as well- though never needles. I find that I feel connected to him- though horribly guilt afterward. I then so worry about him dying. I am obsessed with the thought that he will overdose using needles and feel so guilty because though I haven't used needles with him, I have used drugs. I just wondered if anyone on this board had any sort of similar experience or if this is unique to me? I did post this orginally on the Adult Children's website, but found the thought that I was trying to rid myself of guilt for my A's potential death while having used with him caused one of the members to react with outrage. Maybe I will experience the same reaction here, but figured it was worth the risk.....Thanks for the opportunity to post.
We are all human, Hon. I'm sure you will find there are some here in a similar situation. You may be what some call a double dipper, qualifying for AA and Alanon both. The people on this site are incredibly understanding. I don't have much experience with your situation, but you are absolutely welcome here.
Keep coming back here.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
If you are feeling that you are in some way "encouraging" him in his addiction, I wouldn't worry about. Of course, he'll use you as an excuse if he can, but if he can't he'll find some other excuse.
If you are worried about your own drug and alcoholic use, because of how it is effecting your own life, then it's time to do something about it.
I drank and used drugs with my husband for years. When the drug use started bothering me, I quit. When the drinking started bothering me, I quit. When I was drinking, if I had anything to say about HIS drinking, he'd say "I'm not doing anything you're not doing, leave me alone". When I stopped drinking, and had anything to say about his drinking, he'd say "You're no fun anymore, I have to go out and get drunk to get away from how boring you are". In other words, no matter what I did, he's use it to justify whatever he felt like doing. In reality, his problems had very little to do with me.
You are not responsible for what he does - however, you ARE responsible for what YOU do. Take a hard look at your own actions, and if you are not happy with them, you know what to do.
Yes, I did. I did it to bond to with my father. It was something that lessened the isolation in my household. And I too tried to rationalize it. You may want to consider that there is a severe degree of dysfunction already present in your relationship if you are seeking validation from someone in cyberspace to agree with this situtation. That this question is raised at all tells me that you know that this situation is unhealthy to begin with. You may want to consider seriously looking at how this situation is destroying you and whether or not you are ready to do something about it.
I never used with my ex. Although, when I found out about the first affair, I offered to go use with him. At that point I hadn't had a drink or drug for 9 years and his drug of choice is crack. And I had a 5 week old, how's that for co-dependent? LOL! I didn't and I don't think my offer was real, I was just trying to get him to understand that I was willing to throw my life away FOR him. OMG, just writing that out is so beyond sick! So, I agree with others, he's gonna use or not....what are YOU gonna do? That is a famous line from a very wise person on this board. I have used it since I heard it. I actually say it right out loud. It's a sticky situation you're in. I have to live my life for me, it's the only way I will ever feel content. Good luck, keep posting!
Well, nobody's perfect now are they? My A also uses IV heroin. Not sure if he does right now but that's definitely his preference, that and alcohol. I never did heroin but have drank and smoked pot to the extent that I could have been called a serious pothead. I also went to school, got the degree, provide for the kids, etc. I quit all that stuff, quit smoking last month and intend to quit sugar next year which is approaching much too quickly now that I recall that...
Anyway, the point is that it doesn't matter what you did yesterday or five minutes ago, all that matters is what you want to do and quitting doing the things you don't. I am glad you recognize that the relationship with your a is more of an addiction/obsession than anything else. It took me a long time to see it for what it was and maybe that's why I push myself to quit things, just to see if I can or to prove something to myself. Whatever the reason, the action is what matters. I think you're on the right track because you recognize that you're doing this and maybe even why you do it. I quit because I am the only one here for my kids and if I died or went to jail for something so stupid and petty as a night of fun or a quick high, I would never forgive myself.
I know I am not only responsible for me but for my 3 kids as well and I'm certainly not responsible for another adult who chooses to act like a child. I think it's a slippery slope from using to kick it to becoming them.
I used and drank with my A (ex-husband) while we were dating and through the marriage. He was an IV user, and so was I. We both also drank heavily.
I was a codependent long before I picked up the alcohol and drugs.
For me, I had to address my own addictions to substances before I could even think of working on the marriage.
After I completed a 30 day in-patient rehab, I realized there was no way I could go back home to the active A for several reasons. First of all, I knew I could not maintain my own recovery while he was still drinking/using. Secondly, it was a relationship/marriage that had escalated into domestic violence where I should have been hospitalized more than once, but was afraid to go because I knew he would beat me worse when I got home.
Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, but in the end, it was one of the biggest blessings of my life.
You see, he contracted HIV shortly after I had left him, from sharing needles.
I had survivor's guilt for a long time after I left him and realized I was in recovery, while he had never made it there (and he had gone through rehab before me, but chose to go back to using/drinking).
Earlier this year he was buried at the age of 47, complications from full blown AIDS.
Today, I feel I owe it to him and all the others still out there suffering from alcoholism/addiction to remain steadfast in my own recovery.
His death had a profound impact on me, even though we had been divorced for 17 years.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
These posts have been so helpful to me. I know the relatioship is destructive and yet when I see him I seem to forget a lot of things but how I can get him to want to be with me. Sad, I know. I just left Chuck E Cheese party and he was there- looked awful. It has actually been 30 days or more since we "partied" together. I know there are things in my life I need to work on. I just suffer from the fear that my using may have encouraged him somehow or somehow means I have failed in my attempt to help him. I lost my mom to cyrossis about 6 years ago and have lots of regrets associated with that. I just play out in my mind getting the phone call that he has overdosed over and over. We dated for a very short time period when I was 18. He was my fantasy and I have spent the past 13 years trying to figure out why he doesn't want to be with me when I obviously love him more than anyone else. So pitiful I know. Thank you for shedding some light that I am not alone.
When I met the A I was in a very stressful but lucrative job. I used alcohol certaily to blunt my reality. I did not cope well at that job. I do not cope that well at any job really. I don't do that well with reality which is one of the reasons I ended up with the A I see now.
I stopped drinking but since I wasn't sober I don't know that it made that much difference. I continued to make unwise choices, I continued to be in denial. I was on a dry drunk. Certianly I didn't have a hang over. I think the A missed my drinking. He wanted to go out to bar's there is no question about that. I never wanted to drive with him when he drank. I chose not to that was a small death in our relaitonship. His driving was and is a huge issue in the relationship. He destroyed much through his driivng. I did not cope witth that either. I did not know how to cope with it. Wherever I turned there was loss and more loss.
