The material presented
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Thoughts are everywhere. Very difficult lately, crying all the time-almost 5 mos since A BF died . I still look at his picture and cannot believe he isn't going to walk in the door any minute. Can't believe this really happened. Depressed. I want to talk to him about this so bad, sad he cannot see how our 18 month old son is growing. Still hard to wrap my mind around how the drinking could take life. Sober for 18 mos and took only 3 weeks to destroy himself. Still learning on this board.
Feel like I am going crazy or completely broken in half, like I will never be able to emotionally recover from this. I've spoken to grief counselor twice, talk to therapist every couple weeks but I can't stop obsessing about all this. So many traumatic things replay in my mind constantly, his parents coming to door at 4am to tell me he'd been killed in wreck. Driving to wreck site that a.m. seeing the leftover plastic bags from resuscitation equipment they used on him still laying there, and his shoes. Going to see his body and him being so cold. Sitting with him and stroking his face and hair, trying so hard to pretend he was just hurt and would wake up so he/we would have 2nd chance. Placing together the timeline of when he slipped out of the house, why, what time he actually left and how I should have gone outside on porch with him when he asked me to. Seeing police report and realizing that as I was angry, thinking he was just staying out drinking and looking at apartments online, they were pronouncing him dead. It is like this nightmare that won't stop replaying.
When I'm not thinking of that, replaying whole relationship in my mind, the wonderful, the fun, the bad and ugly. Analyzing arguments we had a year ago. I do this often until I feel sick or have headache. Do it while I am trying to take care of kids and responsibilites, almost pulled out in front of a truck the other day thinking of how I could have kept him alive. I want to feel some peace at some point, though I know grieving takes time. Want to be lively and centered for my two sons, but don't really feel that way inside. Afraid I will have fake happiness for rest of life so my boys don't have a mother who seems miserable and broken. Though I am grateful I had our son out of the relationship with him and try to be thankful for the special connection we had when we wasn't drinking-I wished the other day I would never have met him so I wouldn't have to feel this pain.
I don't really know how to put this behind me, I wish I could erase it all from my memory, take a deep breath and start over. I'm 31 and feel as if my chance at happiness is over, though I know some will laugh at that. I'd already had a life familiar with loss etc; and thought this was it, this was my shot at happiness, at a family- moving out here with him and now he is gone. Makes me wonder if I don't deserve to be happy or if something is wrong with me that the only man I ever loved that intensely had so many problems and demons.
I am sorry life is so difficult for you. I try to keep things pretty simple during the holidays. I also have to remind myself daily how bad the A got. I miss some of my former life but not all of it. For everytime I miss something I try to remember how bad he got. I also remember how bad it got for me the constant feeling of impending doom.
My life is far far from easy now I do not deal with the A daily. I struggle a great deal. I come here a lot and post. I greive a lot. I try to think of how my life might be in the future and it looks easier it really does. I dreaded it when the A went out he was and sitll is a reckless driver. He totalled the truck I bought with blood sweat and tears. He drove into people. He always had an excuse. For some reason infathomable for me he has survived. I put him in HP"s hands. I do not try to reason or communicate with him anymore. I did for a long long time.
Please keep posting. There are days when I am absolutely overwhelmed.
I can't even pretend to know what to say to you. Hang on to your faith and know that healing takes time... I just wanted you to know you are loved here. Keep posting your feelings, we learn from each other.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
((((((klm4446))))))) I'm so sorry that you're going through this nightmare. What an awful thing to have to endure. You need to remember though, that you didn't cause this - and you couldn't have saved him from himself ultimately. Grieving the death of anyone you love - no matter the circumstances is difficult enough. The tragic, sudden loss of a partner is almost unbearable. If you're having trouble putting one foot in front of the other for yourself - try to do it for your children. What a blessing that you have this son - who was yours together. Honor your A by being there for his child. Your statement about wondering what is wrong with you that the only man you ever loved that intensely had so many problems and demons. I could have written that sentence myself. One true love - my whole life - and he is RIDDLED with problems and demons. Absolutely riddled with them. There's no rhyme or reason to this. HP is taking care of your A now. Those problems and demons are no more for him. May you find some peace and comfort in that. And how lucky he was to have someone in his life who loved him so completely. Few people are that fortunate. Stay strong.
I am so sorry, klm, that you are having to live through this tragedy. Grief is an emotion that all of us must handle in our own way. There are certain predictable stages of the grieving process that we all must endure before life becomes bearable again. But, in time, things will get better. Your thoughts of him will bring smiles instead of tears, and the guilt you are suffering now will gently fade away.
You can keep him alive in the eyes and mind of his child by speaking of "Daddy" often, in loving terms that he can understand. Remember with the boy the positive and happy moments so that your child will be able to carry these memories with him throughout his life even though his father is gone.
My wish for you is that you will find peace and, in time, happiness. May the spirit of this holiday season bless you.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I understand, kim, and I pray for you that time will help you move on , keeping your happy memories in perspective. I know how difficult this is for you. I know that you are getting better every day. Go ahead and share any time you like, ok? love, pw
I'd say go easy on yourself, don't expect too much. You are going through enough, you don't have to blame yourself for not taking this better, on top of it. You're taking it the way you're taking it - this is you, and it's all right.
Fake it for your kids, for now - and no, I don't believe you will have to fake it for your whole life. Joy will come again for you, when you are ready. Just be sure that you will see it, when it does come - keep your head up, listen to the birds and to your baby's laugh, see the sun shining - don't push happiness away when it does come because you feel you don't deserve it.
You could not have saved him. I believe that many A's have a sort of death wish - their unhappiness is so profound that if one thing doesn't get them, something else will. I thought my husband was saved when he got sober, but then cancer killed him. And, in a way, I think he welcomed the cancer. It's hard, it's heartbreaking, it's lots of things, but it is not my fault.
Hang in there!!! I am praying for you to find peace in your own way. I have had some major issues with my hubby and although he is still with me, I can sympathize with you about putting your game face on. I feel like sometimes I am just going through the motions day to day. I also have an 18 month old. I want to be everything I can to her but sometimes feel like I can't because I am so broken. Oh, and I know you are not the only one that has had terrible thoughts about your A. My A and I have been in a bad way for the last few months. Two times within the month, he has been taken to the hospital. Moments before each trip I am sure that some thought had gone through my head. I try not to think of those negative thoughts though because you know as well as I do that we love them with all of our heart, despite their bad choices. Don't deny yourself the right to know that and feel that within your heart. You are only human. Sending much love to you!!
My best advice is know that people out there care for you and you need to care for yourself! If you are not well it will be difficult to give back to your kids. I like the advice of taking one minute at a time. Sometimes I feel like it is a second at a time to be honest. You will get through this, even if you feel right now that you can't. Do you have family or friends around that can help you? Don't be afraid to ask.
I will be praying for you and sending love your way. Please continue to post. Your peace and happiness is out there. Cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to grieve. Hang in there!
Lookingforpeace (I'll let you know when I find it!)
I will tell you what someone told me. It will never, ever go away, you will never ever feel the same, but you will incoporate this into your life, it will become part of who you are and you will feel happiness again someday. I bet you feel moments of happiness already when you look, really pay attention, to your kids. I know it's the hardest thing in the world. I know it is. I know the flashbacks of the things you have seen, I know the anger and distraction. I know I feel like I will never really smile again. But we will, we are here, we are alive and there is a reason for that. I know this is awful, it is complicated. Not many people will understand the emotions, his death was not cut and dry, it was not "natural". That makes it harder and the process longer. What you are describing is completley natural. I know that doesn't help. But it is incredible that you are recognizing that you are on the verge of obsessing. There is a huge part of you that WANTS to get better, to get on with life. I know, me too. I want to be on the other side so that I can use the tradgeies in my life to help others. I am not there yet. I can't even give myself a timeline. All I can do is recognize when I have a good moment, and say a prayer. Some of the things I saw connected with the deaths I have experienced are like flashbacks in a movie. They hit me out of the blue and all I can seem to do is watch them over and over again in my mind. It is so good that you are comming here and letting it out. And beyond his death is the disease he had. Just keep doing what you are doing, I tell you it does get better. I can't tell you when, or how it does, but it does. Cry, scream, what happened was not fair, it was not right. But accepting it has happened was a turning point for me. You will get thru this. I promise.
I know there are no words any of us can say to ease your pain. This is something only your HP can bring you through. I will continue to pray for you and your kids.
You must not blame yourself in any way. Sometimes our A's make choices in their lives that do not make sense to a rational person, and nothing we do will change their minds.
Hold close this beautiful child you both created from your love for each other and continue to trust in your HP to comfort you. Cherish the memories you have both good and bad, and let your precious son know of his father through those memories.
Keep coming here to share we all love you and feel your pain.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I can kind of relate to the waiting for them to come thru the door.. my 25 yr old son passed away in November.. he was an A/addict... and there are times I still think of being able to talk to him and continue to work on our ammends and having a gathering with him and his kids... but reality sets in that that oportunity is over... and as I may get to meet his kids one day... it will be without him....
It will get better and easier.. just continue to work your program and talk about what is going on in your head.... that is what is working for me...
I am so sorry you are going through this. My ex was found dead in his truck while on his job. I know the pain and heartache you are feeling, all the what ifs, if onlys. There is nothing you could have done that would have prevented this from happening. You did not cause it. It is so difficult to love someone who is destroying themselves. Please know that you will get through this. I know it doesn't feel like you will be happy again, but I promise you will. It takes time. Can you get to a meeting? HP will carry you through this. I will say a prayer for you and your little ones.
