The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I am newly married and my H has issues with drinking. His family has a history of alcoholism. Background, we've been together 4 years and in the beginning it was liquor and beer and constant. Then he stopped drinking liquor and it was strictly beer. Then about a year ago he stopped completely because I told him I'd leave. He stopped until right after we got married. He doesn't drink druing the day, only at night. He doesn't drink every day, when he does it can be anywhere from a beer to a case.
Here's my issue. I can't stand it period. When he drinks a lot he gets angry or just passes out. Instead of spending time at home he's at his uncle's or cousin's house drinking. We're going through money issues right now and he will lie to me and say he's not bought any beer, but I know he is. If he had two dollars left to his name he would spend it on beer.
The last few weeks he's been pulling, the "I'll be home soon", and 3 hrs later smelling like beer he comes home, acts like nothing is wrong and goes to sleep.
We always talk about it and he always promises to cut back, but that turns into, I'll buy it before I get home and you'll never know.
I don't know what to do at this point other than to leave and get divorced.
hello what , perhaps before u make a life altering decission (divorce) u will consider trying our program for a few months and see how u feel then . alcoholics lie (disease) strangly enough they believe thier own lies , he goes to uncles to drink because there he is accepted just as he is and they have alcohol in common . Wives have expectations and they just can't be who we need them to be when drinking so staying away is easier . There is nothing u can do about his drinking , until he says he's had enough ,there isn't get the focus back on your life get happy right where your at until u can make an informed decission not based on anger. Alcoholics drink it's what they do unfortunatley we believe the lies over and over again that they will quit , I am sure they really believe they can when they make those promises or it's just to get us off thier backs . The holidays are comming and it's gonna get a little rough , make your plans and enjoy your family and friends , if he chooses not to come with you , go anyway I call that plan B . and remember that you are not responsible for his behavior . His drinking is not personal he is not drinking at you , he drinks because he has a problem period. Your life has been affected by someone elses drinking and you too need to recover , please give Al-Anon meetings a chance . the toll free number for info on meetings in your area is 1-888-4alanon , it's toll free , international . good luck and take care of you . Louise
Louise is absolutely right. It is not a good idea to make life altering decisions without the tools to make them work. You landed in just the right place. The people on this board have some really great experience, strength and hope to offer. Read as much as you can. Find a face2face meeting in your area. And give yourself some time. You can make sound decisions once you understand your options. The alcoholic is a sick person, but the disease affects everyone in his life. Those closest to him become sick as well, in a different way.
Get some Alanon literature. Lots of pamphlets are free at the meetings, and they will have books for sale. Learn about this disease and how you can be happy and find serenity in spite of it. I got better when I got busy. You will too.
In recovery,
-- Edited by Jen at 16:13, 2007-12-11
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
We are not really allowed to give advice here, but we are allowed to share our experiences. I was in a very similar situation to yours. In my situation I didn't know that he was drinking. I didn't figure it out until 4 months into the marriage when I found 90 hidden empty 7.5 liter bottles of gin that hadn't been there 3 months before. I knew right away I was dealing with alcoholism. I just didn't really know everything that alcoholism meant. Three months after that when I found another 90 empty 7.5 liter bottles of gin hidden in a closet, I had "the talk" with my alcoholic husband and I decided to go to al-anon. He decided to abuse me. I also decided to join the al-anon on-line chat room.
Prior to my first al-anon meeting I listed everything that I wanted in my marriage. He was not fulfilling most of the items on my list. He was bringing me a number of items that I did not want; the biggest being an addiction, a threat to my financial future, and a threat to my health.
At the al-anon face to face meeting I saw a lot of very sad, angry, hurt, frightened people. That scared me because that is not what I wanted my life to be like. During the meeting everyone was very welcoming. They told me that I had to admit that I had no control over alcohol. I thought about that. But, I decided that for me it wasn't true. I do have control over alcohol and my control was called "divorce". I said this at the meeting. This did not meet with approval. I heard a lot of arguments/excuses involving finances, fear, "love", and "illness" for not leaving the marriage.
I gave everything that everyone told me a great deal of thought. I gave my list of what I wanted in a marriage a great deal of thought. I went into the al-anon chat room. There I met a wonderful woman. She was married to an alcoholic too. She told me that an alcoholic who doesn't see a problem with his drinking, and who has no desire to change will only get worse and will not improve. She told me that I didn't have much time invested in the relationship and that if I was smart I would run as fast and as far as I could. What she said made sense to me.
For me it was easy to divorce him. I never missed him once he was gone. All of the fear of being home with him suddenly vanished. My tranquility returned. My faith in myself returned. I realized how few problems and drama I had once he was gone. I realized I was happy. I was much much happier being alone than with being with him. My friends understood why I did what I did.
You may notice that there is a lot of "I" in this post. That is because I am telling you my experience. Others may have a different experience.
It ultimately comes down to what you want for your life, how invested you are in the marriage, and what you feel strong enough to do.
Hi, I remember thinking what now, over and over and over. I would try something different, same ending. That was me. I left and now I don't have to worry about it anymore. I don't know what is right for you. I do know that nothing you can do will make him do anything. He has to choose things for himself just like you do. I never really thought is was my fault he drank I knew it was him and his problem, I just spent way too much time on the delusion that he would get better. I left a year and four months ago and he's the same but worse, I have become a completely different person though. It's about doing what's right for you whatever that may be and taking care of yourself first. Letting him do what he's going to do because you can't stop him anyway and letting him feel the consequences of his actions without any help or harm from you. You can't fix it for him, you can focus on you and doing the things that make you happy.
Whether you decide to stay with him or divorce him is your choice to make. I was in your place about 3 months ago. I was sure that divorce was the only way out. Then I found this board. I began to read the posts here and realized that I have choices.
I attended my first f2f meeting and to tell you the truth I was not impressed with the person who led the meeting, but I listened to everything that everyone there had to say and I realized that I shouldn't make a hasty decision, and I decided that I would learn all I could about this disease that had claimed my husband and my marriage.
I am becoming stonger every day, I still am in my marriage, and my husband is still drinking. And while I know this sounds incredible I am much happier with myself and my marriage than I was before I started Al-Anon. I began to notice that the more I became involved with my program, and the more changes I made within myself, the better my relationship with my husband became.
I began to practice detachment, and I found that I was no longer consumed with controling his drinking. I learned the 3 C's I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
Whatever you decide, welcome to MIP. We are always here to be your sounding board, to rejoice with you in good times, and to pray for you when needed.
Keep comimg back!!
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Thank you for all of the replies and hugs. It's nice to know I have somewhere to come to express my feelings and know that I'm not alone in this.
I would love to go to a f2f meeting, but the closest one to me is almost 2 hours away.
I love my husband and I know that I didn't cause his drinking nor can I control it. I guess what I'm struggling with the most is that even though it's not my fault, why am I not reason enough for him to control it. It's not so much the drinking itself that bothers me, it's the lying about it and spending all our money. If he want to have a drink, fine, just be honest with himself and me about it.
We've only been married for 5 months, although together for 4 years. I guess the way I look at it is, I will never have the chance to have children, because I don't want to bring them into this situation where I have to raise them for the most part on my own and explain to then why daddy isn't home or can't do anything for them.
And then the expenses, with two incomes coming in, we can't pay our bills. I feel guilty going to the grocery store and buying something because I know we don't have the money, yet he's not the least concerned, he'll buy his beer regardless. The bills are all my responsibility because he won't even open them up, let alone take the time to pay one. And if I were on my own I could afford to pay for everything and have money left over.
I guess deep down, I'd rather be alone and be at peace with myself then to married to someone who keeps me in constant worry and turmoil.
It really has nothing to do with the amount of love that he has for you. He can be filled with nothing but love and he will still need the alcohol simply because he is addicted to alcohol. By their very nature, addictions have several symptoms. One of them is an intense need for the substance. Another is a compulsion to think about and require the substance. Another is denial that the addiction/need exists. To admit it would mean to admit that you are out of control and in need of help. It would also mean taking a conscious step to deprive yourself of something you need; thus causing physical and mental discomfort.
It is the same principle as why coffee drinkers don't just jump out of bed feeling energized without their cup of coffee, or why smokers smoke even though they will tell you they want to quit, or why you eat when you are hungry.
And, in the adult world, I have never heard of love "curing" anything.
To go along with not advising, only sharing experience, your post sounded so familiar. My A had stopped drinking for 18 mos. Had bad problems with it before-stopped when we moved in together and because I was pregnant. When he started drinking again, it took only 3 weeks for him to end up dead-wrecked his car while drunk out of his mind. Our son is only 18 mos. old and will now never even remember his father. I knew my A for 8 years, had been together for 3. Also, I now worry about all the things I am reading about alcoholism having hereditary links-it makes me worry for my son. I would not give my son back for anything, but this has been so painful that I've wished at times I'd never met my A.
Still being new to the board, turned here in desperation to understand WHY. As you said, why is he out drinking when I am here for him, why am I not enough. If I was better in some way, would he be happy to come home, isn't me loving him SO much enough for him to be happy enough not to drink? Isn't our beautiful baby son enough? What Ditto said, about love not having anything to do with it. I have to believe that is true. I asked my A, about a week before he died to please stop drinking, asked why doesn't he care about losing his family if it continues, wasn't he worried about that? His words were, "I guess I think you can handle it and just because I drink doesn't mean I don't love you" These were sober words, heartfelt words and said with kindness in his voice. I hear stories of those who continue to love their active A's and wonder if that could have been me if he didn't wreck that night- but also wonder what other destruction and harm he would have brought upon our relationship, his health, another innocent driver,or our children. I have definitely been in your shoes, everything you said makes sense and I hope you can make a decision you feel good about. I know it is very difficult.
