The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, I spent part of this weekend with my husband. We haven't spent much time together since the beginning of November. And I made a discovery, it is ok to love my husband.
Now that may not be huge news to some, but for me that was a huge discovery. And what I also discovered, was that it is okay to love him and not be with him.
We have been seperated for almost two months now, and Sunday he thanked me. He actually thanked me for asking him to leave. We were miserable and were making each other miserable. Now we are both still in pain, but we are healing. For the first time in a long time I actually enjoyed his company. He was everything I wanted him to be, but can not have when we are together.
He is still using but was clean the time he was with me. And it was so easy to let that go, becuase I don't have to live with it anymore. All I said was for him to take care of himself. It is his life now, and yes it still affects me and the kids, but I don't have to let it own me anymore.
We talked about how right now we aren't working as spouses and how we are much better friends. He said that when our son turns 18 (in 14 years) he wants to try again if we both haven't found someone. :) I am not sure about that, but it was nice to still feel wanted.
I can love him and hate the disease. I can appreciate him for him. I can see the many great qualitites that brilliant lovely man posseses. I just had to let him go to see it again.
I am so grateful that I was able to stand up for what I needed and wanted before I lost all feeling for him. Because at the end of the day I can tell him I love him and he can tell me he loves me, and we both know it is true.
I don't know why, but I was trying hard not to love him, but now I am just happy to have my friend back.
He is leaving tomorrow for Alaska, and won't be back for a while. And then the divorce papers. But I no longer see it as just an ending, but the beginning of the next chapter for both of us. I appreciate that in so many ways because up until a few weeks ago I wasn't sure he had another chapter left. I was scared his book was ending.
HP is in control. And I am so glad I removed myself from trying to drive his car. Now I can just sit back, love him, watch his journey, and focus on mine.
I love my husband not because I have to, but because I choose to.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Great post Mandy.... I think many of us (myself included), often tend to associate "loving = staying", and that is not always the case. One of the reasons I advocate the GTS books so much is that their main message, in a nutshell, is: "if you really love your alcoholic, then do whatever you need to do in order to get yourself better". For some of us, that is leaving, while for others, that may be staying.... Each situation is unique.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
What a wonderful post. It was an odd realization for me that I didn't have to wait until I didn't love my wife anymore to take control of my life. Cause in my case taking control of my life was an act of defiance.... and was met with bitter resistance!
She is very much defending that if I don't want to be married that we should have nothing at all to do with each other. That if I don't hate her... we should be together under same roof as husband and wife.
Thank you for the reminder that even if she insists we should no longer love each other... doesn't mean I have to do what she says... Perhaps someday we will have a relationship like yours where we can enjoy each other without qualifying everything.
Very good example of a healthy attitude, and how that can affect your life... thank you for sharing.
You know you are in my thoughts and prayers....
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
What a breath of fresh air, Mandy. Thanks SO much for your post. I get real bogged down with the love=staying thing. What a nice relationship it sounds like you have now that you've detached from him with love. Inspirational. Thanks.
What an inspiring post. I do love the exA but I cannot be with him. I am not able to have a conersation with him now but it may be there at some time. I can work on this time being alone and know that I made good choices.
What a wonderful post. I've always said I love my husband but hate his disease. It's okay to still love someone and not get caught up in the rest of thier chaos. It's hard but as you have shown, it can be done. Much love and blessings to you and your family. Happy Holidays.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Claus
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
