4 years ago the A was working someplace (that was in the days he was working).  He met a little beagle dog ( agirl)  that had been abandoned. He said that it was for him love at first sight. He took one look at her and he was a goner.  He brought her home one night, she was such a state, thin, scared, she had an infection in her eye.  I spent $200.00 the first week getting her spayed.  He spent hundreds dealing with her eye. Those were the days he had money to give....  He always wanted to spend a thousand to get her a eye operation.  From day one that beagle, Lucky, (I named  her) absolutely worshipped him. She had eyes for no one else.  She sat at his side whenever he was home. She ran to him with such joy whenever he came to the door.  She tolerated me but she had been abandoned and abused and she wasn't about to bond with just anyone.  She lit up when he was around and had eyes only for him.

For 3 yesrs the A extolled the beagle, he claimed he loved her more than anything else in the world.  He delighted in the way she absolutely adored him. Then gradually his addiction took over.  He would be away for days at a time. He always had some long convoluted lie about it.  Of course the beagle did not come without problems, She was impossible to house train. Needless to say he blamed al lthat on me.  She was absolutely distrustful of anyone. I would put her in the yard, birng her back in and she'd pee as soon as she got back in the house. If she got off the lead when I walked her (and I was the one who always had to walk her) she wouldn't necessarily come back when she was called. I was patient and kind and I accepted she had problems.  The A would complain to everyone that I neglected the dogs I did not do enough to take care of them. I left the house a mess. Somehow the whole house became my issue.  Never mind that the bedroom which he took over as his domain was a trash heap.  Everything was always my fault, if the dogs were unhappy it was my fault, if the house was a mess it was my fault. He was totally without any kind of responsibility for anything he projected it all on me.

All the while Lucky absolutely adored and worshipped him when he came home (if he came home) her welcomes were so exuberant.  The A said he adored her. He would do anything for her. They were inseparable.

Flash foward to this year when the A through his addiciton became homeless. I left our home with a heavy heart. I had no way to take my dogs.  I really wanted to believe he would step up. He didn't. When I went to visit the dogs looked scared, they sat sullen and scared.  They didn't greet me at the door. All kinds of people were coming to house day and night, he left the door open so they could enter when they felt like it. The A had no concern at all twhat that did to the dogs.  I wept daily that I coudl not do anything. I kept an eye on the dogs, I brought them food, I cared for them. I walked them. I had no idea how to move from there.  I had faith though and I had this room and I came here and poured out my soorrow.

The A's fantasies got worse. Now he was moving to a place hudnreds of miles way. He had no place to go and he had no where to stay but he was going. He arranged an elaborate trip with his friends, which was really a party excursion. he left the dogs behind. I went to see them every day.   The A became even more irrational and mean.  He put eveyrthing in storage and then lived in the truck I bought.  He trashed it and he obsessed on and on about how he did not get to have his dream.  By then I couldn't really make out what his dreams were they were so piecemeal.

He left one day suddenly and i did not know where he was. I spent days and nights looking for them.  I could not find the A or the dogs. I knew things were tremendously difficult. I felt aboslutely heart broken. I tried legal means ot get my truck back.  I got nowhere.

The A played cat and mouse with me for weeks. Eventually I got a phone call from him he was destitute and had not fed the dog for a week.  I paid for him to come back to the area.
When I saw my dogs I was debasted. They were thin and totally withdrawn.

I then paid for (with borrowed money)  put the A up in a place where he could have the dogs. I wanted to believe he could do it.  He didn't. He put the dogs into even more trouble. He would take off and leave the dogs for days on some excuse that he was "working". He wasn't of course. Then he would take them with him and they'd be living in the truck with him for days.  They didn't seem to mind that as much but they still didn't get enough food and water.

I shelled out money left right and center. The A never had any of course despite his claims he was working.  I did not know what to do.  Everyone around me urged me to let the dogs go, put them in a shelter, leave them, take care of myself.

The A only got worse. He'd leave the dogs for days. They became withdrawn, afraid and fearful.  He destroyed the truck we had.  He withdrew even further.  He was barely coherent.  At the same time throughout it all he had this ruthless, totally self absorbed quality and he was always always always going on about how I was not doing enough for his dreams.  He blamed me for not doing enough to help him always.  I gave till I had absolutley nothing left to give.  I felt impending doom at all sides.  I worried about my dogs day and night.

Out of nowhere my current landlord said I could have a place where I could have my dogs.  The place is in a much much worse building, the room is tiny. I put most of my belongings into storage. The A brought one of my dogs over to  where I lived before I moved in one of his grand gestures.  I knew the beagle was in deep trouble on her own.

He then went on to leave her alone tied up on a hillside for days.  I was living in a place where I had no room, barely making ends meet but I couldn't turn my back on the beagle.
I told the A I would take her temporarily.  I knew in my heart it woudl probably be for ever.

By then the A had nothing.  He had no car at all.  He was on food stamps.  He was barely coherent and still on on and on about his dreams.  I had no idea how I was going to take care of two dogs but I didn't care. I would do it somehow.

Flash foward a few months and both my dogs are happy.  My labrador was at one point tearing all her fur out because she was so anxious. Now she has full fur.  She's happy.  The beagle now shows me the kind of adoration she once gave to the A. She cuddles up next to me. She bays with joy when we walk int he park each night for a couple of hours.

I have no idea how I will take care of them long term. I know I will have real super difficulty getting a rental with my credit and the eviction that the A stuck me. There are some days when I have no clue how I will move on from here.  There are alaos days when I know I absolutely could not turn my back on those dogs.  It was not their fault the A lost himself in the addiction.  I feel terribly they had to live through what they did, homelessness, craxy people over al lthe time, not being fed, being left.

I have a super hard time running home from work every single day. I rarely if ever go out because I am committed to them.  I spend my weekend walking and giving them lots of attention.  They are coming around to being happy and loving dogs rather than fearful, anxious, starved dogs.

I had so many people tell me to give up on them.  They were well meaning. They thought they were being kind.  I know that.  I know whatever I had on Christmas the present of those two loveable dogs will sustain me through the lonely times.

Thank you all for carrying me through my deapair and worry and anxiety over the past months when all felt lost and it never seemed like I would get over the tremendous hurdles in front of me.  I have two dogs who love me so absolutley and who adore me.  I know I can
carry myself through anything with this program.  I will have a happy Christmas because you all carried me through a year from hell.  And now I have beagle love.

maresie.