The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Brief background: A bf currently living overseas, relapses over Thanksgiving. Contacts me two weeks later (this past weekend) to tell me he's getting help and realizes that he can't be in a relationship. Really needs to take care of himself. Progam. All that. This is a man I've know (off and on) for most of my life. Sweetheart with a vicious alcohol addiction. Here's where I am. (I've finally calmed down enough to get clarity on what I'm actually feeling.) I do agree that he needs to focus all of his time and energy on getting well. No question. Can't argue with that. I actually thank God that he's doing it. Check that off of my prayer list. OK. What saddens me to no end is the thought that I may never see or hear from him again. I could "lose" him in a literal sense. Like I may never find him again. He doesn't stay in contact with his family (who lives here in the states) and he doesn't really have any close friends (and I don't know any of them anyway since he moved overseas). He also is the master of hide and seek. How do I let go not knowing if I'll never ever know if he's okay again? I care about this man because I've known him SO long and before the disease and the fallout from the disease was all over his life. Anyone who meets him today (anyone with a good head on their shoulders) would probably step back from someone with so much baggage. Hence, how will he find anyone over there that truly cares about him? Truly cares? And if something were to happen to him, will I ever know? This man is part of me. And it tears me up that he may fall of the face of the earth and no-one will ever know. Does anyone have any ESH on how to love and care about someone dearly and literally let them go to the unknown? (I've been around this program for years - and I should know this. I'm also well aware that he's a grown man; and that this was his decision to go overseas; and it was his decision to cut off contact with me. I KNOW all of this - but I'm breaking at the thought of losing all contact for the rest of my life.)
For me, the biggest help in truly letting go of any fears of the future in regards to my alcoholic daughter was to live in the moment, and to have faith in my higher power, whom I chose to call God.
When I start projecting into the future, worrying about what could be, I am doing two things. I am telling my higher power I have absolutely no faith that things will work out as they should, and I am detracting from my own recovery.
When I look back over my life, all of the things I thought were the worst things possible to happen, turned out to be blessings in disguise.
Tomorrow isn't here yet, all I have is today. I can either live in the moment, or throw today away by worrying over tomorrow and what may/may not be.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
1.) Take it one day at a time. When I think I may have "lost" someone forever, I remind myself that I really can only take it one day at a time. I have no business having anything whatsoever to do with "forever", the entire past or anywhere at all in the future. This simply is not my domain, its Gods.
2.) We may say good bye to someone this morning and not see them ever again- such were the stories of the people who lost loved ones in the world trade towers in new york, for example. NONE of us knows when we will never see someone again. It could be right now. It could be 40 years from now. You do not know anything about the future, its none of your business. This is why all we can do is visualize wrapping our loved ones in the warm soft blankie of their HP.
3.) HP is the only one who can watch out, take care of or be in touch with your loved one. You may think that you can do all these things but you cannot. It is an illusion. In a way, none of us has any kind of ability to protect or take care of anyone EXCEPT OURSELVES.
4.) It is up to your HP to bring you back together, if your HP intends. You have no control over this. Its HP's will, not yours if this is going to happen or not.
Hope this helps. I have lost many wonderful people. None of it was any of my control really. HP brings people into our lives for a reason and HP takes them away, too. The more I accept this, the more serenity I feel. HP knows best, always. Not only does your loved one need to focus on themselves but you will have an engraved invitation to do the same- focus on yourself. I would strongly encourage you to do this- it is what I have done. Its one of the most difficult things in the world to do but you are worth it. hugs, J.
Detachment is tough , easier when they are thousands of miles away , letting go takes time and alot of practice .our slogan Live and Let Live works . You have your own life and he has to find his own way . Don't be suprised if he keeps turning up in your life , they tend to do that alot . you know the come here go away kind of relationship . Just keep on with your own recovery , and that thing about AA and no relationship ticks me off to no end , as if a relationship is the reason they drank in the first place. sheeeeeeesh When my husb sobered up I am grateful no one told him he couldn't be in a relationship, what are wives supposed to do dissapear for a yr ? I was not the reason he drank , so how can this be threating I used to think . I was told early on that an alcoholic dosent have a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old idea I was the old idea !!! imagine that . which translated to me that everyone has to change not just the alcoholic . and if I am serious about my own recovery I can stay out of his way and off his back while he gets his stuff together . letting go of an obsession takes time , one day at a time u can do this .
I was pointed to the Mastery of Life site in the last few months, and one of the things he suggests there is this:
In order to let go, I have to be willing for the thing I fear to happen.
I don't have to like it, and I don't have to wish it, but I have to be willing.
Just reading this for the first time tied my stomach in knots, so I suspected right away he was on to something. In my case, the thing I fear happened many years ago. I know it did, and I know there wasn't a blessed thing I could do about it, and indeed I said so many times, with much intellectual acceptance, even then. However - there is no way I was willing. On the contrary, I was kicking and screaming the whole way. So what I've done is to practice stating my willingness, out loud, as something I can't do yet. So while I have been able to say, for years, "I am a child of divorce", I am NOT able to say, "I am willing to be a child of divorce" - but I can just about manage to say out loud, "I can't actually say out loud, 'I am willing to be a child of divorce'."
I know this sounds fairly inside out and brain-rattling, but I have to tell you the first time I shared this with someone after a f2f meeting, I literally tingled all over. Somehow the act of stating my inability to state my willingness is bringing me closer to actual willingness.
