The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend when I was in bed nursing my flu I watched a film called Owning Mahoney about a compulsive gambler starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Minnie Driver plays his girlfriend. I saw so much of me in the girlfriend. I really do not want to see it but I have to put it out there that this is my behavior. The girlfriend goes out of her way to find excuses for the gambler. When he is out of control she never sets limits, when he is at bottom she sticks around loses her job and more. Needless to say the gambler takes more than one of his so called friends down with him. When he is spending money he has stolen she buys him a coat, when he cancels her weekend and ignores her she just sticks around.
Eventually she marries him and helps him get out of the huge mess he has got himself into.
My life used to revolve entirely around the A his messes, how I coudl help him, make him feel better, reinforce how much I loved him.
At one point when the gambler is about to crash the girlfriend says that she loves him like that will make it all okay. She rushes in to take care of him rather than let him see the incredible mess he has made. I did all that. I was always reinforcing that I loved the A. These days I am not so sure I loved him but an illusion of him I made up in my mind.
I can't say I like watching films that show me how out of reality I have been. At the same time I know I live, eat and breathe denial so its good I got this movie (quite by chance).
I don't want to beat myself up as I know that the diseae progressed in me. One thing I am sure of is that people pleasing and denial were absolutely totally deadly for me. I almost died from them. I peopel pleased msyelf to near bankruptcy. My denial about the relationship with the A was huge, all encompassing and solid. I don't doubt I'd still be trying to interact with hiim if I were not here.
HP puts it in front of us when we need it and its great that yu were able to see it for what it was, a gentle reminder of how you were and where you have been. It helps us to see how far we have come. You have a lot to be proud of.
Hugs in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I felt very similair while watching an older movie with Merle Strep in it titled Morty's Room. The disfunction in that family and in that home spoke valumes of portions of my life and of my sisters. So in answer to your question, yes I've witnessed such a thing. Yes, it is odd realizing how it must look to others watching.
The funny thing is that if you were in denial you would think what a pitiful woman and would never even associate the fact that you were like that too. I remember thinking that sometimes why do they stay when he treats them like that etc. and then after being gone realize I wasn't treated much better! It was all my justification for him not reality!
