The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, it was a good weekend! over 60 hours sober so far! This is great news and I am excited. But I am having a hard time trusting him! Everytime he goes to buy cigarettes, or gets gas, or goes to a friends, I feel as though he cheated on me. I am catching myself looking in all his hiding places to see if he bought any. How do I ever begin to trust him again? He lied and hid his drinking from me for over 8 years. Now what???
Trust is something that eitehr will or will not come, it has to be earned. All you can do it remind yourself that there is nothing you can do about it. If he is going to drink he will, no matter how much you worry. Don't think of it as cheating on you, it is cheating on himself if he does. Keep occupied and keep hoping, and be supportive it is all you can do. I hope it works out for you both. Love jeannie
Trust is a tricky and difficult thing more me to achieve, so I fully understand your feelings. Likewise, my A hid his drinking from me until anyone with the sense of a babboon would figure it out!!! LOL!! And for me, once I allowed the trust to return, I was clouted in the head again.
I think trust is something we all have to grapple with, and, speaking for only myself, I don't know whether it is ever truly possible to gain I do wish you well.
Please, if you are not already doing so, try AlAnon meetings in your area, and keep coming back here.
I send best wishes to you and yours for Happy Holidays,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
This has been a big issue for me. My AH and I are working through it and he is trying very hard. He knows it will not come easy. He destroyed the trust for 10 years hiding and using. It will take months and even years to earn my trust back now. One thing I realised is that I had been very naive about giving trust to begin with. He never earned it the first time. I just gave it to him, even when the evidence was against it.
I am more realistic now and I am not real trusting anymore, but I don't think that's a bad thing anymore, either. I used to think people who didn't trust were suspicious all the time. Now I know there is an in between. A person doesn't have to put their head on the chopping block in order to find out if someone is trust worthy. Now I am learning how to step back and observe actions in a detached manner, then make decide if they look trustworthy SO FAR. Also I don't expect so much from people.
Your A only has 60 hours sober. Of course you don't trust him. The thing I recomend is to read up on detachment in our liturature. This skill is one of the formost that is needed for you to gain some peace of mind. It will help you to cope and grow whether he gets sober or not.
About 4+ months ago I had questions about trust and got some good answers. You could go back through my posts and read them. There are some very experienced people on this board. I took some of their experience to heart and things improved.
Just keep coming back here, and find a f2f meeting if you can. This program really does work if you work it.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I don't think it really matters if you trust him or not because he's either going to drink or he won't and either way there's nothing you can do about it. He's going to do what he's going to do regardless of you and you are going to do whatever you are going to do as well and neither of you can control what the other does. I say, just hope for the best, don't think about it, have a preset plan of what you are going to do for you and if the occasion arises, set your plan into motion. Don't rely on him for your happiness.
Trust is a hard thing for me to come by anymore. In my own life I have found that either hes going to drink or hes not going to drink, and my continuing to worry about it is a waste of my time. I also recommend that you read the pamphlet about detachment. When I began to put this into practice in my own life, I felt more at peace about everything.
The other principle that really made a difference for me was the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. This made me realize that there is really nothing that I can do that will either make him drink or not drink.
After I started with Al-Anon, my AH started to notice the changes in me. My reactions to his drinking changed drastically. He was very baffled at first, then he started to question what was going on with me. The more I changed myself, the healthier I started to feel.
I do have hope that one of these days he WILL quit for good, but I know that when he does, it will be for himself and not for me, because if it's not then it will not work.
Until then, I continue to work MY program, even though he has no program for himself, and I continue to grow stronger every day.
Keep coming back , we are all here for you.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
__________________
A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I've heard of friends, spouses and family members counting the hours also. We use to call that putting the alcoholic under a microscope, watching every movement. It's normal for now and it's hard exhausting work. I kept my alcoholic under close scrutiny and she still got out and drank and got drunk and everything else that comes along with it.
If you put as much effort into finding out about and working this marvelous recovery program you will no longer find the need to keep track of your alcoholic with your mind, body, spirit and emotions. Like it was already mentioned the alcoholic drank in spite of you from the start and will do so again if he relapses. He will do it inspite of his own health and life also. Soooo it's okay to let go of him little by little...let him go and let your HP have him and start working on your own recovery from alcoholism. He has not drank (this isn't the same as sobriety) for 60+ hours. How long has it been since you have not worried that he has and will hurt and decieve you again? How long has it been since you have compulsively thought that he is cheating again or never stopped cheating? If it's less than 60+ hours you could find him getting weller and you are getting sicker.
Look for the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and get a schedule of face to face meetings and their time schedules. You will find the number in the white pages of your telephone book or your can call the local AA central and ask them for Al-Anon meeting times and places (often at the same time and place as AA). Call the number and ask for help. Your life could depend on it. That is what I was told and I did what was suggested because my own life and sanity did depend on Al-Anon after all.
