The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know what to think or how to feel so I'll just let the swirl of thoughts out and see if I figure it out so I can get some sleep. If I can't figure it out maybe someone here can point me in one direction or another with their esh. I think it has been a run of events good, bad and dissapointing that have fogged my head up. I should let it go but I don't even know what "it" is, right now. sigh It is so not obviously bad and awful which makes me feel weak in how little I deal with but it is also so obscure that it could be more than I acknowledge. I had a therapist tell me I minimize things........I thought I was being optimistic, go figure! So I get to a point of breaking down before I even know it, which is why a couple years ago I found myself in an OP Anxiety Clinic to avoid IP therapy.
Fri nite included a small group dinner out for my AH's co worker. Lot's of drinking by others but it all seemed normal? I never get out as AH travels & eats out alot so when home, he's home period. Heard all the fun things these workers do when traveling, sad ah doesn't tell me about them yet it's hard to share fun & glitter w/the spouse who has cared for 4 kids when he's gone working hard and playing hard. I used to feel like I was the financially secure single mom when the kids were all little. The one who plunged toilets while their dad lunched in Paris. Crazy!
Also,tried to fight off the nasty emotion of jealosy for the workers who are successful and divorced. They had every other wkends off from kids and had recognition for their individual pursuits of success. I also heard how my AH recognised the co worker's potential and supported her success. I actually did work bk (before kids), did well and feel good about that and feel good about the luxury I had to stay home these past 23 years and raise my own kids. Just that stay at home moms have to have a big dose of self recognition and self esteem which is eroded in the home of an A, I guess. Plus it hurts to get little recognition as a spouse from one who gives so much to others in the name of the business.
Sat was my day to get kids upset with me, I guess. The teens want the attention of their dad and he gets that finally. They thrive on any drop of his attention and they take all the teen crap out on me as being the one who doesn't get it. Accidently burning up homework (he told me he had done) with the butane torch in the workshop is right up there with the dog ate it. But the dad took him to his fun night plans anyway. The teens have such an attitude today with me, the disciplinarian and the dad who can do not wrong, doesn't support me with making that stop. Feel a lot like no one from family to friends and sometimes even kids, understand what it is like to be me - I end up looking like the bad one, the depressed one, the problem!
I was able to note that all day the AH was withdrawn and emotionless......not drinking. Helped with driving the kids, so not drinking and checked out from me or not responding to me. End of the evening, driving done - I'm sad and drained while he is happy and having a great time, maybe after a few drinks?
Today, I am weepy, headache and sleep in late. Tried to made me feel guilty for not going to church, AH is defensive, sensitive and then progressivly nicer as the day goes by........... is this related to the number of drinks? perhaps. It's hard to know as he is a functioning A. Did get to go on a short horse & sleigh ride with AH and 1 kid which was the highlight of my wkend though the first time our annual ride was with 1 kid rather than 4 - very different. The kids at home are still crabby with me and getting along fine with dad.
I attend an al anon meeting and am reminded to find the roses in the thorns. I am so emotionally in pain that my physical body feels pain too. Tired of the rollercoaster and the merry go around.
Brought home a son from a friends after the meeting and hear how the friends parents act like teens sometimes, having fun and teasing. Reminds me that as our kids go to other homes, they see what is missing here and it makes me sad. Return home to AH with a good binge going which makes the kids like me again. Looking for stability perhaps. At least their dad waited to pass out about 10 minutes after they went to bed but doesn't hide anything as he spilled one son's milk all over him and the other put in a relaxation cd to listen to at bedtime.
The weekend can feel like being driven over by a semi truck, I am flat of all energy and emotions. But now the house is quiet so I can start to recover again. Realizing I take most of each week to recover from the weekends....... I don't know what to do but my mind is emptied and I will try to sleep. thks for hearing me and for being here to listen. No one really understands except those who live with this and then many who live like this, just join the party and don't worry about wanting or making it different. I realise tonight,why I wait to go to sleep after everyone - when AH passes out, I have to lock the doors, close the fireplace etc. I am tired.......
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
don't know what to let go of >>> Him , nothing ucan do about your husb and his behavior , but alot u can do for yourself . Often our kids are torn between two parents remember they want what u want a happy home . I have been involved in alateen for along time was shocked that often kids are more angry at us the n on drinker than the alcoholic , seems we are miserable alot and sad and dad is happy happy happy . We complain , pick fights etc kids see us as the problem , sad but true . they also expect us to fix it they just simply don't understand .. Keep going to your meetings keep the focus on yourself and your needs , set boundaries with your kids , your not there to be abused by anyone . I t is difficult when one person is still drinking we get no support when rules are ignored but u can set your own boundaries with your children . I sat my son down one day and told him I loved him but didn't like him one damn bit , he was disrespectful to me and I was tired of it , told him he would get no respect from me until he started to show me some . I took away my car , stopped the extra money I eventually got the respect i asked for . this is hard when only one person in the house is changing but it is possible . keep posting here and getting this stuff out of your head . it helps goodluck Louise
ughhhhhh just reading your post i feel your pain....my husband still drinks so i live it too...i know that feeling of the other kids have normal lives and mine dont and it sickens me sometimes..actually alot of the times...I was also a stay at home mom and really that is my identity...and when my family is such a mess i feel like such a failure...its hard to hold everything together and some days i just cant pretend we are the happy house i want it to be...also the weekend thing...ughhhhhhh my husband also a functioning drinker so the weekends its like a storm hit..and even if its quiet im still waiting..i start to worry by tues or wed what the weekend is like then i am recovering from the drama most of the next week..its horrible i know...i just started to go to alanon meetings and praying all the time...it helps me...i ask my hp to keep me strong and just let me do whats right and say the right thing...or maybe just not say anything...its what i hang on to now for strength...the meetings and this website...i have to say just last week i felt like i was drowning i couldnt take much more...i really think my hp is giving me strength now...keep asking for strength and guidence i wish i knew more to tell you but thats whats working for me right now...its really what i am holding onto for my sanity... take care :)
I can so relate to your post, I thought that I was the queen of the fog, anxious and irritable. After a while in the program I realize now that when this feeling starts in and my mind starts to whirl I need to return to step 1. I am powerless over my ah, I am powerless over his actions, I am powerless over his choices. For me to fully feel this I have to learn to accept that I do not have control. I'm not saying that this is easy, my mind always wants to rationalize. My teens used to ask me why we don't have a "normal" family, why their father does what he does. As I've worked the program, the peace of "normalcy" is appreciated, but I had to learn to set boundaries. That was not easy for me, and I think my voice was shaking as I told them to my a. But after he realized I was serious, he respected them (most of the time), when he didn't I reminded him that I wasn't going to renig on my boundaries. My ah moved out last August, I am still working on accepting his choices....and I am still meditating on the first step, but the fog is gone. Keep coming back, your right answers will come to you.
