The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have spent much of the weekend in bed because I felt flu like. I cant say I ever really got to take care of myself around the A. If I ever was sick he always went into a huge sulk and he went out of his way to ignore me and my needs. So for me it is something of a luxury to be able to rest rest and rest. My place is not optimal but I managed to find the energy to make it better than it was. I need to do a lot of work to make it more organized but I allow myself some space around that. The A never allowed me any space, if I did not wash up he had all kinds of accusations around it. I never was allowed to be ill, have an off day, be depressed down. He was always concerned soely with his needs and concerns. Mine were always last.
The more I focus on a fourth step around that relationship the stronger I become. I see my fear of loneliness really held me back from life. In fact I was far far far more lonely with him than without him. I also was so so so fearful of economic disadvantage leaving him. In fact living with him was an absolute drain on me all the time. He took every cent I had and claimed it was all his.
Fear ruled me when I lived with the A. I feared him, I feared his disease, I feared my reaction to his disease. I lost myself somewhere in there. I lost my abilty to face reality on life's terms.
I can relate to your post a lot!! It's like I gave my power away and lost myself along the way. Words turned against me like 'it's all about you' were really backwards and all about him. Realizing it's the way things have been for him and his family for generations but so backwards to me. It took advantage of my caring ways, overused them, abused them and frustrated me that it was never enough so felt unsuccessful, lost confidence, lost self esteem.
It's so obvious to see once you can take a few steps away from the madness plus have others support you that you are right in what you see - it is madness that you live in. It is hard to stay sane when you live in insanity. What is harder is to keep believing that this is true - habits change slowly and there are still so many social drinkers that make drinking seem ok and you seem like the party pooper. You can feel like you are the one that has all the problems to everyone in your family, friends, etc. This is not a walk in the park, that's for sure!
I just found a sponser in my f2f and I am on step 1 so maybe I will get stronger in my recovery as I work the steps. Glad to see the progress you are making - fear rules me too and expresses itself with lots of anxiety from me and our kids. The 12 yr old is stressing about homework........ and maybe more he can't ID yet at his age. He went to bed and put on a relaxation CD to listen to which is nice he has learned that tool to use. But I still think it is way sad that at age 12 he even knows about relaxation cd's plus uses them. Ok, I'll go look for the roses in these thorns. But I hear ya, Marisie and hope you are feeling better after being able to rest and recover with some self TLC- well done!!
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
It sux when you wake up from that fantasy world and realize you're the one who has to be responsible! I know I have posted about that before, it's almost like a fog lifting, like brainwashing coming undone. It takes a while to realize that you're happier alone and get over all those fears you had that still linger about what MAY happen when you go. The leap is the hardest part, the rest is managable.
