The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Saturday morning started out very calm. Ah comes in with a Christmas tree. Rather than asking for permission or how long he was planning on staying, I said I was going to go shopping while he and the kids decorated for Christmas. I left him with pine needles all over the floor and boxes of ornaments. Off I went. Yay, for me!
I had a pretty relaxing day, really. It didn't really feel like Christmas, but I don't know if that is because it is early for me in the season or because I am just numb to it all. Got quite a bit done, and hit a lot of sales, so that felt good.
On my way over to shop, I decided to see when there would be an al-anon meeting. Well, it was for adult chidren of alcoholics and wasn't until 6:00. Technically I didn't qualify and it made for a long day, but I decided to stretch out my day and try to attend anyhow.
When ah called in the late afternoon to find out when I was coming home so he could go to a meeting, I told him that he could leave when he wanted, just to get the kids a pizza. I wouldn't be late and they would be fine (oldest is 14). This is relatively new behavior for me. In the past, I have always put his needs first.
So, it took some effort to find the meeting. It was much smaller and quieter than what I am accustomed to. Lots of silences between shares. Wouldn't ya know one of the ten people there was my ah's affair's mother. I still find it amazing that I even know who she is. I only met her once at a softball game. It took a little while before I made the connection, but I did. She did not recognize me. In the past few meetings I have been in with her, I have always sat across from her and it made me uncomfortable to have to look at her. I always leave immediately after. This time, because of the way the room was set up, we were on the same side. I made a point of sitting with a chair in between us, and a gentleman sat there.
So, the topic was on Tradition 12 and anonymity. Go figure. When she shared, she spoke of the serenity she has gained over the past few yrs in al-anon and how she has detached from her a (my ah's "friend"). The whole share time I did not have anything to say, and then suddenly, at the end, I started talking. I was the final person to share and spoke of my struggle with the role anomynity plays along with keeping secrets and enabling. I spoke in very general terms and never mentioned who my a was.
So, it come times for ending prayer. The man between us had left, so I end up holding hands with her. At the end she squeezes my hand, turns to me and asks me if I want to talk some more. Yikes! She says, "you are afraid some people are going to be hurt, right?"! She is one of those people I am trying not to hurt! I couldn't believe I was standing there looking at her in the eyes. I started crying and shaking and felt an anxiey attack coming on. I told her "no", that she really wouldn't want me to talk to her, and that I would ruin her serenity. She assured me that I wouldn't and stood close to me, very concerned. So, I started by telling her where I lived and that I knew her daughter. That opened the flood gates, and then I told her everything about my ah, her daughter, rehab, thier affair, everything! I was straight forward and did not "attack". I just stated the facts.
It was surreal. It was an encounter that I "fantasized" about many times, but in a way of revenge to my ah and his "friend". It was never something I thought I would have gone through with. It turned out to be nothing about that. We became friends, I think. She was thankful we spoke, and said she believed the whole interaction was a not a mistake; it was God. She believed it was meant to happen. I have to agree. She was never defensive. She didn't cry. She did a lot of listening and looked peaceful the whole time. She said she had to go home and call her sponsor.
She told me her d also has love/sex addictions in addition to her aism and other issues. She said her d is emotionally at a teenage level. I know that. Mostly, we just came to the agreement that our loved ones are very sick. She said she had found it interesting that her daughter had started going to AA meetings and wasinwardly thrilled when she recently said she was trying to get a sponsor, but stayed out of it. Obviously her d is going to meetings with my ah. Blech... It was one more nail in the coffin (of our marriage) for me in terms of how sick my ah really is. Isn't there something about rigorous honesty in the program? It is all so twisted.
I know that there is nothing I can do. I should feel very sad, and I do, but at the same time I feel a huge burden has been taken off of me, just talking freely like that. There was no malice, no anger. I do think it was God. It was perfectly orchestrated. Now, what is to come of it? Probably nothing, because I do not think she will jeopardize my anonymity and she knows why I have stayed silent. If she ends up saying something, oh well, for it is all going to come down eventually. She told me I needed a sponsor and apologized to me for the secrets I have had to hold and for what I have gone through. I still can't believe it happened.
It was a god lesson for me in terms of not forcing solutions and waiting for God's timing in our struggles.
Came home to lights on the tree and on the house. No decorations done. Darn! Ah was still here and going to a late night meeting. I couldn't even look at him.
I am trying to get the courage to tell him that I will not be going on our family snow trip. I want to tell him that we are not family and that he has made it clear that he deems every interaction with me as miserable so there is no reason I should (other than help with the kids). However, I also decided I will not offer to keep the little one home. He must learn to deal with real life. He is going to have to go to AA meetings while there. Not sure how this can be handled. Not my problem other than my children are directly affected. Leave the kids alone in the hotel room? In the car? Or don't go on the trip, I guess. But, I need to realize it is not my sabotage, but a result of my ah's awful choices.
So, I am going to gather my young ones and get my rear to church. I certainly need to talk to and thank my HP today....
Thanks for being here to share.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Holy Moly is right Lou! What an awsome opportunity to get out your truth! To someone who is involved also! That was certainly HP working for you, and in you. You know you have nothing to be ashamed of and even still we end up feeling guilty and ashamed over what we have gone thru. I just wish I could give you a real hug, you courage is so inspiring.
You have found that this woman is not your enemy. Really, neither is her daughter or your A - they are just sick people that you may need to protect yourself from.
You know, when telling your husband that you are not going on the trip, you don't have to get into long explanations. You can just say that you aren't going, period. "I don't feel comfortable going, you go, have a nice time". There is no law that says you have to justify your actions, especially if you would be tempted to tear a strip off of him. As long as you don't sabotage your kids' happiness, you don't owe anyone an explanation. And I wouldn't worry too much about them - if the oldest is 14, they will be fine in a hotel room for an hour.
Wowsers.......what a great day. You deattached and went shopping plus let him deal with the kids, lights etc Plus a meeting and what a meeting So glad you could talk and get all of that out Plus I was thinking how well I could relate if I ran into someone who, say had to deal with some stuff with my AH. Not only could I understand what they meant being I live with him it also would validate and provide support to me, having someone else know him that way. So you might have given your ah's friend's mom (what a mouthful) a gift sort of like that validation just like you recieved a gift from her too - miracles in progress. That is for sure.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
That was one compassionate AFG member you were speaking with. She apologized that you were carrying secrets? Gad that woman knows what giving grace is and she suggested you get a sponsor to boot! She knew how you felt and what the solutions are. I'd also say HOLY MOLY!!
You got that sponsor yet? When you get a good one you don't have to hang on to the secrets so long. Secrets are heavy and heavy stuff can lead to hernias...mind, body, spirit and emotions.
If I had had a day like you did? I would also have said that was a good day.
Wow, sounds great, I'm glad you decided against going on the trip. If he really wants to go he'll figure something out. Like you said, the oldest is 14 right? I know my A always made spir of the moment decisions and guess who scrambled to make it all fall into place? Ya you know it wasn't him!
