The material presented
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hi everyone...im so confused...i am new here and to alanon...just needing some feedback let me know if im totally overanalyzing things...i have all week not mentioned my ah drinking to him...which is amazing in itself i think for me! well last night he went out to the bar..i just casually said ok and he wanted to explain thats its only for a couple beers on and on and i just said ok just dont take my car take yours and i was quite proud of myself for stepping back..i have to say truly hard because we have no money..and he knows i hate the drinking and he still does it..on and on..well i think took him by surprise..so he left and i actually slept somewhat last night..i did take a valium i have to admit im not nearly at the point i cant just go to sleep and not worry..well he didnt come home..he always comes home..sometimes i wish he didnt because he is usually a complete handful but really shocked me for him not to be here when i got up..turns out he is ok stayed a friends...but anyways just running over and over in my head...did he do that on purpose to get my attention or is this just coincidence or whats going on..sometimes i feel kinda crazy and wonder if i even make any sense my head so screwed up anymore...replies appreciated am i an the right track with this or am i just plain overthinking this??
I don't think you are overthinking it. I think you are trying to react in a different way. You took an action that was different from what you usually do (decided to go to bed despite him not being home) and something different happened. That's ok. Keep doing it differently. There's nothing wrong with thinking about your life and what you want from it!
Not sure if anyone has mentioned the 3 C's to you about the drinking they are
I cannot control it I did not cause it I cannot cure it.
This disease does make you think you are crazy. We swing between not wanting to care at all to maybe caring too much. My take on the fact that he didn't come home -when he is sober I would just subtley say " would you accept that if I did it? I wouldn't even wait for the reply just go an do some jobs and let it sink in. He probably will not change his behaviour but he will realise that it hasn't gone unnoticed. Keep posting and you will get stronger every day just by reading some of the posts here. Sending hugs Luv Leo xxx
Sometimes our brains are are own worst enemy. I know mine can be. In the long run, it really doesn't matter why he did what he did. What matters is how you handled it. Perhaps you are learning to detach. That would be a good thing. Keep the focus on you and what you are doing for your recovery. You're doing good. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Piper Claus
-- Edited by Karilynn at 11:26, 2007-12-08
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My experience was - no, nothing I did really made all that much difference to his drinking, or drunken behaviour.
However, if you want to blame yourself for this, then why not look at it this way? Because you chose not to make such a big deal about him going out, he was not on the defensive, and so was able to make a better choice - not driving home while drunk.
At any rate, the result of this is that you got a night's sleep, there was no fight last night, and everyone is fine. Gotta be good, right?
You are on the right tract when you can get to sleep without the valium, sleep thru the night soundly, wake up in the morning and go on with your life whether he is next to you or in the house or the garage still in the car or out on the lawn or what or where ever. Yeah that sounds sooo impossible because I thought I was supposed to react to her and what she did and everything attached to it. I had to learn the 3c's and learn to see myself as a separate person without seeing her standing next to me like in a picture. You did find!! A past sponsor taught me that there is no answer for the question why when I am not in acceptance. I just keep coming up with whys!! Our literature has wisdom and solutions for the analyzer also. I fit in that category also until I read on some page it the ODAT (One Day AT a Time) book, "...Stop looking for answers to questions (something like that). You will get the answers in time when you are mean't to understand." That of course is a paraphase. The idea has stayed in my program for years and the practice of the idea is that I don't fool around with "why" questions or analyze beyond the simple. I do get answers in HP's time and usually when it no longer really matters other than the peace or mind and serenity that comes from HP's compassion.
Keep coming back. You are welcomed here and it sounds like you are qualified to be here. Look up the Al-Anon hotline number in your local phone book and attempt to get to face to face meetings in your area. They have among other things very experience and supportive members, lots of program literature (some of it free of charge) and usually coffee and such.
Welcome! I found this site a year ago and it has been amazing for me! Take what you like and leave the rest....but the words here are profound.
It seems you are here at the right moment.....ready to act differently, know what you need, what you want and trying to simply stick to that. Trust your gut. The overanalyzing is part of the self doubt that comes along with the insanity of addiction. Keep it simple and trust your inner voice. Try and find places where that voise is calmest and loudest...in a place of peace....listen and trust.
I just saw my ex A a week or so ago....I took an ativan to get through it....after I thought, how crazy was that? I have a choice in my life to avoid what upsets me...if he upsets me enough to need a tranqilizer....then I have the choice to not see him and not take a tranquilizer....my true drug free sense of tranquility comes from his absence and my sense of self.
I can well remember the long long nights when I waited around for the A. I always seemed to have the feeling of impending doom around him. I would center my whole life around what he did. I lost myself to that extent. I think he wanted me to center my life around him. He certainly did his fair share of sabatage to attract my attention.
When I started to learn to detach that helped. The first night I turned it over it was amazing. I had good reason to worry about the A his behavior was so out there. In the end he lost everything and then some. I obsessed about him day and night for years.
Coming here was so revelationary for me. I poured my heart out and received lots of love and encouragement. I can't say my life is wonderful now but the tools of the program really help a great deal. I know when I am in the right direction these days.
Hello Just , trying to figure out why anyone does what they do is such a waste of time , add alcohol and there is no ryhme or reason . they do what they do because they are not thinking clearly period . we have a saying here that may work for you , If you pray why worry and if you worry , why pray ? it is a hard habit to break but when l iving in obsession ( constantly trying to figure some one out ) we have no life . were too busy trying to live thiers. Keep the focus on yourself and your needs and your going to be just fine . Keep your recovery simple , Just do the opposite to what u have always done in all situations and it has to work out diff. yur example here tonite was perfect . I was told I have to learn two things , when to speak up and when to shut up , seems i always did it backwards . hehe good luck louise
We learn in Alanon that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results <sigh>. Last night you did something different. Way to go. Keep working it.
I've also recently heard "They have the drinking disease and we have the thinking disease." (ha ha). I know that's true for me. So I get to as many meetings as I can to fight my own thinking disease and leave the rest up to HP.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
