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HI all- forgive me in advance for a long post. I am test driving some thoughts on y'all.
so, My A is back using- after 4 months of being AA poster child- he doesn't want to go to any meetings. just wants to stare at the tv, not talk. I can't freaking stand it. I have been going to overeaters anonymous since July. I am doing well and really accept that I am a compulsive overeater who dealt with my issues by eating-- just like my A uses pot and alcohol.
Since I am no longer using my "drug" of choice, I can't stuff down the anger and frustration I feel toward my A and his disease. I know that it is a disease. I hate the fact that he has to suffer from it. BUT if he was diabetic and didn't take his insulin or ate candy, I would be angry too. If he had high blood pressure and ate tons of salty foods and didn't take his meds, I would be on his case. We all have to make good choices. He has a brain problem. He still does not believe that the fire will burn him.
Tonight I told him that I can not and will not act as if everything is fine and normal. I have done that for 20 years with this guy. No more. I'm not threatening to leave but I am not going to make nice either. I have put on the happy face for too long. I am also telling people that are close to me what is going on. I don't think this is wrong either. When H went into treatment he told everyone (his boss, my parents, close friends), now that he is failing to stay sober- I feel I can vent to some of these people. He opened the door for dialogue and they do ask how he is doing. I am honest.
Don't get me wrong.I know I can't control what he is doing. He is the only one who can. but I am not going to make it easy for him either. Maybe its tough love. I don't know.
It is so sad-- I had a 4 month glimmer of the person I know he has inside him. I miss that sober person and I hope he comes back soon. Why a person would want to exist like he is now is crazy! thats life with addicts for you.
peace to you all- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Jeanne - that's the heartbreaking part for me - when you get a glimpse at who they are sober. My A is INCREDIBLY smart, funny, quick, gentle, and kind. When he drinks, he's just a lump. Just a lump! He's not mean or abusive (thank God) - but he's ............ well he's NOTHING. He's completely numb (and useless). And I feel like he's gone. That brings me such a lonely feeling - like "where is he?". And he's right there. I sometimes think it would have been so much easier if I had never know the sober A. Much easier to dismiss and walk away from the drinking A. Hang in there - this rollercoaster is not for the meek. I pray that you find some peace. In the meantime - sounds like you're REALLY taking care of you with OA. What a blessing!
Stick with what you feel is right for you. You are doing so well to concentrate on you by getting help with your own 'addiction' of overeating. That too is such a killer and you need support and help to keep you strong to carry on getting better. I admire you too for marking out the boundaries and not being totally intimidated as I was. Good on you, that is a healthy place to be.
My xAH was the same, I married a wonderful, gentle, thoughtful, funny person and ended up living with an abusive, physically violent, overpowering controlling gaoler and that broke me. I lost the man I fell in love with and discovered a monster within six months of our wedding, it took me twenty years to get out and I am physically and emotionally a mess but working on it day by day with this forum and family to help, as my own family rejected me over the years and all but two of my friends deserted me too.
I will keep you in my daily prayers. Strength and healing coming your way too, Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I can empathise a lot. There were times when the A would make an attempt. This summer he did the whole lets give it one more shot number. I set him up somewhere. He immediately began to unravel it. I stuck it out for a long long time.I did not move in with him though I will give myself that much. I gave him the rope and let him go with it. I have to say it was one long hard day when I said no more. There were a lot of small no more's along the way.
The A I was with did experience sobriety. He went to jail once and did the whole 12 step route. He knew some sobriety he always turned his back on it.
I can't say I blame your anger. I also know for me that my anger ate me up and swallowed me whole.The day I stopped raging was one of the days I took some actions. In some ways raging at him kept me there. At the same time it was part of the boundary making that led me away from him. I simply could not as you have decided sit by and say nothing.
The A became more devious, isolated, stubborn and more of a liar over time. He justified his lies. He only ever though of himself. There were moments when he wanted to make it a partnership otherwise he was setting me up in some way or another.
I am glad you are sharing. I had to share in safe places.This place was one of them.
I'm so sorry that it didn't last. It's so hard to go back into the madness when you've had a glimpse of what sobriety is like. I can really relate to what you are going through.
I've been through it so many times that I can't really believe that he will truly stop anymore. I am just at the place where I am doing what I have to do for me and my own health and sanity. I trust in my HP to guide me.
Friends and family who have known me before Al-Anon say that they can see a peace within me, even though my AH continues to drink. I am grateful for this board, to have a place to vent when I find I can't cope.
I will keep you in my prayers, keep sharing and take care of you.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
