The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In recent weeks I've established relaitonships with two friends. One was a friend I met in an online group who had many many similar issues. We were in contact daily. We really liked each other. I had great hope that this relationship was going to be supportive. The other was a woman who lives in the same house I do. We went shopping together, we talked about our pets togehter, we shared a llot of daily caring and life.
IN this last few weeks both thse friends ahve undergone tremendous life stressors. My online friend has a son who has a dui. He is in jail and she is absolutely totally overinvovled with it. She has let her son come to the house and now cannot get to her computer because he is camped out in her computer room all the time. She spends every waking minute taking care of his needs.
My other friend became hopelessly overinvolved with someone who lives in the house. She has shut down completely and basically decided to stop talking to everyone. In essense she has decided to isolate herself and cut off all relations with everyone. She's left me a note explaining her decision that's about it.
I find myself incredibly angry at both of them. I think I'm angry because I see myself with the A. That is my life in essence for the last 7 years, either totally isolated and having no one or absolutely and compltely overinvolved with the A. I lived, ate and slept his problems.
I know I am feeling angry at both these friends because of what they are showing me. At the same time I'm not sure I wan tto commit to a relaitonship with another unrecovered codependent. I put effort, time and energy into both. I do not appreciate being left aside while my friends are on overwhelm. I do not have that many needs but I do need friends and neither of them are able to be a friend on any level at all at this time.
There is a part of me that is very very comfortable dealing with people who are really dysfucntional. I don't feel judged, I don't feel incompetnent, I don't feel alone. The problem is that my needs don't get met at all and these days I do value my needs for once. I am going to have to go out again and look for more support elsewhere. I need suport that's consistent and available rather than chaotic and dramafilled. I hope I can let go of these friends with love rather than anger but I'm not sure I'm willing to re-engage with either one of them as I know neither one of them is willing to look at their behavior.
I am committed to working through my feelings and not being a victim but I realy don't like to think I let all my friends down for years when I was involved with the A but the truth is I did. I can understand now why some simply gave up and left me with him. Maresie.
There is a part of me that is very very comfortable dealing with people who are really dysfucntional. I don't feel judged, I don't feel incompetnent, I don't feel alone.
How completely honest this is. I'm a little blown away by this statement. I think it's wonderful that you've gotten yourself to a place where you have enough perspective (and honesty) about who you are to not only recognize this about yourself (and my guess is that more of us are like this than not), but to actively address it and deal with it. Good for you! What an inspiration to me!!! Hang in there as you explore other ways to get YOUR needs met. Stay strong.
The first (and so far the last) relationship I was in after the A was exactly like the A. The thing is I saw it for exactly what it was. And there was a part of me that felt bad about walking away. There was a part of me that thought maybe I should just go with it, it was familiar. But the biggest part of me was SCREAMING NO!!!! NOT AGAIN!!!! So, I turned around and walked away. It wasn't as hard as it was with the A by any means. It was a lesson learned. Obviously I needed to test out my new tools in a similar situation. I detatched with love.....love for me. Maybe these friends were in your life to remind you of what you don't want to do again. Some friends are for a short time to teach us and some are for a lifetime. No harm no foul. You did what you could (who knows mabe they will seek you out, they will see your program working and want what you have). Just keep taking care of you! I know I am taking care of myself when I feel guilty...sure sign! LOL!
